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Episode 3x6 - "The Ocean Walker"

Director: Paul Feig

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Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything...

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and the one son who had no choice...

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but to keep them all together.

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It's Arrested Development.

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Michael was sharing some very important news with his parents.

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I am getting married.

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Who the hell to?

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Who do you think? Rita.

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- Her? - Why?

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First, she needs a green card to stay in the country.

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- There it is. - She needs a green card to stay in the country...

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because, secondly, we're really crazy about each other.

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- You hardly know her. - I know all the important stuff.

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She was in the Olympics.

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- She's sweet, smart, beautiful. She's special. - She was special.

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- Are houses hard to make? - Actually, the hardest part is finding the land.

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But she wasn't smart.

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Instead of making houses, maybe you should make land...

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- For Rita had only mentally progressed... - on the ocean.

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To the level of a first-grader.

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There's no land on the ocean.

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Michael might have noticed her disability...

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if it had not been masked by her English accent.

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- You're brilliant. - Yeah, she wasn't.

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She's a really good person. Everything else is gonna be little surprises along the way.

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With the exception of that one big one.

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- The wedding is in one month. - Oh.

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- A month! - Now, look.

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Just because a woman gets pregnant, it doesn't mean you have to marry her.

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Too many lives have been ruined because some cheap waitress at a HoJo...

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said she used an IUD.

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- It was Stuckey's. - But I believed you.

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She's not pregnant. We haven't even slept together.

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This is funny.

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- He's gay! - Where's your hand?

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I'm having my high school ring put on it, and my hook is stuck in the stair car.

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Oh.

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- Do you think getting married will solve your sex problem? - No, we don't have a problem.

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- We just haven't had the right opportunity yet. - Lindsay said Rita slept over.

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Yes, but I gave her the bedroom because I didn't want her to feel pressured.

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Actually, it was Michael who felt a little pressured.

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I like to keep the light on.

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That way, I can see if you have a monster.

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Night-night. Can you shut the door on your way out?

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I can't believe you're not supporting this.

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Because it is obvious what she's after.

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- Our money. - Oh, God! Our money.

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- Let's all remind ourselves we don't have any money. - She's already gotten our money!

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Let's not forget she's the one that gave us the idea for that ocean-top town called Bluthton.

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Big deal. I had that same basic idea years ago.

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I thought you'd be happy. I should've known better.

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Michael, be careful. People just see what they want to see.

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If she loved you, she'd show it.

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Michael was worried.

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His mother may have been making sense.

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So he returned home to talk to Rita.

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- Here comes the bride! - What are you doing in a wheelchair?

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No, no. It's a dolly... to help videotape your nuptials.

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I don't think I need any footage of my nuptials.

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Tobias, are you sure that this dolly isn't related to your recent health problems?

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Okay, so my legs and my left arm occasionally "go to sleep."

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And you want to call it a health problem.

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- Oop. - Hey. Hey, hey!

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I can get up myself.

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- Here we go. - Let me get in the dolly.

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No, thank you. I don't need your help.

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It does seem like you've been having a lot of trouble since the hair transplants.

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- Maybe you should see a "bubaman." - A bubaman?

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Like they say "go up box" instead of “elevator."

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Like when they say "poofter" to mean "tourist."

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- Boy, that Rita's a smarty. - True, but it's not like anybody appreciates it.

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- Mom and Dad do not like Rita. - Are they crazy? She's amazing.

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I saw her last night. She helped me with this project I was doing.

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Maeby was struggling with a screenplay...

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in her secret life as a film executive.

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- Is that a story? - Not yet. It doesn't have an ending.

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He's in LA. She's in Japan. How do I get these two characters together?

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- Maybe they could walk. - Across the ocean?

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- If it's not too deep. - No. Deep is good.

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People are gonna say, "What the hell just happened? I'd better say I like it."

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- 'Cause nobody wants to seem stupid. - I like it.

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The Ocean Walker. Holy crap. That's gonna look good on a hat.

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And Michael caught up with his brother.

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I need a favor. As you know, I'm gettin' married in a month.

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- Say no more. - Great. Are you sure that you know what...

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- Yep, yep, yep. Got it. - Super. Just so that we're both clear...

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You want me to do a magic show at the wedding. I'm on it.

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I'm so glad we pushed through that. No magic.

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Why, because of the one little screw-up last time?

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- Put her out! Put her out! - Tracey! On fire! Roll!

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Thank God we already did the pictures.

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Which reminds me that Rita shouldn't wear any hair spray at this thing.

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- I just want you to be my witness. - You want me to...

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be your best man?

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It's just a signature I need on the license.

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My son's not old enough. It's... It's no big deal.

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I will not take this sacred duty lightly.

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I am gonna get you the single healthiest call girl that this town has ever seen.

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This is why I'm calling it a witness and not a best man.

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All you gotta do is watch.

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I'm not gonna spend this kind of money and not watch.

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This may have been a bad choice.

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Hey, hello. Look at you two... Tweedledee, Tweedledum.

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Michael didn't mean it in that way.

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How could he? He didn't even know.

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We had the best time. She's got such an amazing fashion sense.

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- You guys got these jackets on inside-out? - That way, you see the label.

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That's what you're paying for, right? It's a great statement on fashion.

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- Plus it doesn't tickle your neck.

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Michael took Lindsay aside to share his concerns.

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Lindsay, when did you first realize that you and Tobias...

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had no chance at a physical relationship?

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Oh, my God. Do you think we have no chance at a physical relationship?

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So, just now. See, Rita and I have not been physical yet, and...

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You don't think she's doing this just for a green card, do you?

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No. She's not that kind of person. You just haven't been alone with her.

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Ask her to stay over at a hotel with you tonight.

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- She's gonna know what that means. - That is not a bad idea.

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Don't... Don't do that.

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And Gob began to prepare a magic trick for Michael's wedding.

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Takes his queen...

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and showers her with diamonds!

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Clubs. Club sauce.

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He covers her with club sauce.

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That'll be my line if that happens.

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Is that a magic trick? I love magic.

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I don't appreciate the dry British humor.

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Please do a magic trick for me.

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Well, I shouldn't. I'd hate to be blamed...

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for setting another one of Michael's brides... on fire!

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Oh. Lighter fluid, like Uncle Trevor uses.

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But wherever did it come from?

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Okay, I've gotta get you into an illusion at the wedding.

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- How long can you hold your breath? - Oh, long. One time, 20 minutes.

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Actually, her record was 20 seconds.

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You can stop it. It's okay. I'm gonna take your word for it.

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Now I just need to find a trick that puts you out of oxygen for 20 minutes.

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Sorry? Did I hear the word "trick"? And it smells a lot like lighter fluid in here.

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I did say no tricks, Gob, and I mean it.

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What if I find a trick that has her float to the altar or something?

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No, no. Love for her to walk and not to drown...

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or fly through the air or catch on fire.

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- Is she allergic to cat fur? - Uh, no tigers.

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Great.

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So, uh, Rita, um...

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I was wondering if maybe you and I...

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might head down to a hotel?

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- Maybe some alone time. - Oh, yes.

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- Yeah? - Maybe our rooms could touch.

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I... I was hoping maybe for more than just our rooms to touch.

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I was thinking maybe we could be...

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in the same room, be in the same bed.

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I see what you mean... a real sleepover.

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- Well, maybe. - Okay.

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- Really? - Maybe I should go home and get my things.

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I do kinda miss my jammies.

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I think they're gonna have a lot of that stuff there.

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And my tiny teddy.

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Good. Yes, get that.

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And so George Michael drove Rita to Wee Britain.

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It's nice to be with someone young.

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We can listen to young people's music for a change.

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Great. Yeah, please.

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That's when he first grew concerned.

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And Rita packed for her sleepover.

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Do you have any idea what a sleepover is? 'Cause it's not just sleep.

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I know what it is, Trevor. I've seen your secret magazine.

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I want to have grown-up fun... spoon and figgy pudding...

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rabbit down dum, druggeries hollow.

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And I want to have pop-pop.

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The very fact that you call it that tells me you're not ready.

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And for your information, that's a cricket magazine.

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Whether you like it or not, you're still a child in many ways.

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I got a problem with you having sexual relations with that man.

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- So do I. - It's not your fault your parents were cousins.

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But here we are, and I've been charged with taking care of you, and I'm bloody well gonna do it.

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Well, Michael will be my cousin soon enough, 'cause we're getting married.

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- Married? - Married!

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- Totally out of the question! - Married, married, married!

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All right, that does it. You're not going anywhere.

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- I'm puttin' the invisible locks on the door. - That's not fair.

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- Lock, lock. - It's not fair!

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- It's just not fair! - Lock, lock.

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I gotta find a new hiding place for that magazine.

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And Michael was waiting at the hotel.

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Hey, Dad. Just wanted to let you know...

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that I'm at a hotel with my wife-to-be.

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- And we're very, very much in love. - Put her on.

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- Michael briefly considered faking the voice. - I...

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- She's in the shower. - I'll wait.

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Let's wait.

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Don't you want me to just call you back or...

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No. I got nowhere to go. I'm under house arrest.

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Let's watch something together.

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Wow. That Blossom grew up, huh?

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Say, how's that shower comin'?

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- All right, look, she's not in the shower. - Really?

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She said that she'd meet me at the hotel.

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- I called you a little prematurely, but she is coming. - Really?

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Uh! Hey, put Rita on.

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That's when Michael finally accepted...

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that Rita wasn't coming...

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and that local calls were 2.95 a minute.

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- Come on! - That's where they get you.

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Michael drove to Wee Britain to call off the wedding...

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that he now realized was not based on love.

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- Who is it? - It's Michael, Rita. Can I come in?

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What? He locked the door? You can't unlock this door?

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They're invisible. Trevor's the only one who can see them.

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I've got an idea. Go next to the window. I'm gonna climb up.

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- Be careful. - I will.

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And so Michael set about rescuing the beautiful...

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sweet, mentally challenged woman he'd fallen in love with...

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without realizing she was mentally challenged.

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- Yea, Michael! Yea! - Who undid the locks?

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- Come on out. - Trevor's back.

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- Come on. Hop on. - What?

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- Hop on. - Huh?

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- Ready? - Oh! Oh!

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Whee! Oh!

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Hey! Stop that! The both of ya come back!

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- You can't stop us. - Nothing can stop us now.

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Nothing in the world of man nor beast nor time can...

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!@%$ all!

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Reunited with Rita, Michael told his parents he'd be getting married tomorrow.

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- We're getting married tomorrow. - God help her if she tries to rename Bluthton.

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I'll sink it first. I swear, I'll sink the whole damn thing.

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They're goin' through with it... tomorrow.

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But George and Lucille had a surprise visitor.

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All right! Where the hell is Rita?

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- I'm her uncle. - Let the handouts begin.

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There's not gonna be any handouts, and she is not gonna marry your son.

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- You're against this marriage too. - Well, of course I am.

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Rita's not capable of makin' a decision like that.

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You are not gonna get Rita's millions just because she's mentally challenged.

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- Millions? - Millions?

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- Mentally challenged? - Shh! It's not polite.

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She owns all of Wee Britain and also the Wee Britain in Cleveland.

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'Course, we're probably gonna lose all that...

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if her ridiculous idea for Sea Britain goes through.

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We are not after her money.

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And I don't think Michael even knows about her... condition.

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It's funny how Americans don't pick up on that.

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I think it's 'cause of her accent and the plastic surgery she's been able to afford.

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We wouldn't have this trouble if they'd met last year.

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I gotta put a stop to this. I'm gonna search every bloody hotel in town.

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Oh! Legoland. I think they said...

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- they were going to Legoland. - They did say Legoland.

13:18 - 13:20

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I didn't hear anything about Legoland.

13:20 - 13:22

S3E06: 803833

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

13:22 - 13:25

S3E06: 806541

We think he may be mentally challenged.

13:25 - 13:27

S3E06: 809041

- Huh? - All right then.

13:27 - 13:29

S3E06: 811625

We have got 24 hours to get them married...

13:30 - 13:33

S3E06: 815083

before Michael figures out what she really is.

13:33 - 13:36

S3E06: 819291

This is the first time in two years you sound like George Bluth.

13:36 - 13:41

S3E06: 826333

Later that night, Michael was at the hotel with his bride-to-be.

13:43 - 13:48

S3E06: 830416

- Rita, I've been really looking forward to this. - Me too.

13:48 - 13:52

S3E06: 834333

I want to have sexual relations.

13:52 - 13:56

S3E06: 838000

The mere fact that you call it that tells me that you are ready.

13:56 - 13:59

S3E06: 840916

- That's why I brought this. - Oh!

13:59 - 14:02

S3E06: 843458

You go ahead and whip out that tiny teddy...

14:02 - 14:04

S3E06: 846208

and then we're gonna think up a fun safe word.

14:04 - 14:07

S3E06: 849166

George Michael, I did not know that you were...

14:07 - 14:10

S3E06: 853583

Um, go ahead and talk out here.

14:11 - 14:15

S3E06: 856416

Just got back from the "bumpaddle" courts.

14:15 - 14:17

S3E06: 858500

Tomorrow, I'm teachin' her baseball.

14:17 - 14:19

S3E06: 860416

- It might take a while. - Sorry?

14:19 - 14:21

S3E06: 862833

Listen, Dad, th-this is... hard...

14:21 - 14:23

S3E06: 865416

This is hard for me to say.

14:23 - 14:26

S3E06: 869000

I was videotaping Rita. Let's just say it would be cute if it was someone much younger.

14:26 - 14:31

S3E06: 874958

I'm sorry. Maybe I should get another tape. They're not expensive.

14:33 - 14:36

S3E06: 881291

That's the plastic fruit, Dad.

14:40 - 14:42

S3E06: 885166

It's very convincing fruit. Okay?

14:43 - 14:46

S3E06: 888583

And... She's goin' back in for another?

14:46 - 14:50

S3E06: 894083

You know, they don't even have bananas in England. Okay, Son?

14:50 - 14:54

S3E06: 895833

Now, I know this is hard for you...

14:54 - 14:57

S3E06: 902416

Now she's goin' into the grapes.

15:01 - 15:03

S3E06: 904458

Yeah. She really liked those.

15:03 - 15:05

S3E06: 907250

I'm sorry.

15:05 - 15:07

S3E06: 910541

I think she might be... retar-retarded.

15:08 - 15:11

S3E06: 916166

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

15:14 - 15:16

S3E06: 923333

Say hello to my tiny teddy.

15:21 - 15:24

S3E06: 926791

Tiny Teddy? Oh!

15:25 - 15:28

S3E06: 929333

And that's when it dawned on Michael.

15:28 - 15:30

S3E06: 932083

- Oh, you teach kids, huh? - I like to think they teach me.

15:30 - 15:33

S3E06: 935875

That way I can see if you have a monster.

15:34 - 15:37

S3E06: 941166

Be careful.

15:40 - 15:42

S3E06: 951625

I have made a huge mistake.

15:51 - 15:53

S3E06: 960416

Michael had just been shown...

15:59 - 16:01

S3E06: 962750

that his fiancée might be mentally challenged.

16:01 - 16:03

S3E06: 965166

- So, - But he needed proof. - are you ready for lie-down kisses with me?

16:03 - 16:06

S3E06: 967750

Maybe we oughta just talk a little bit.

16:06 - 16:08

S3E06: 970500

I mean, what the heck? For instance, you've never told me...

16:09 - 16:11

S3E06: 973333

how many houses there are in the British Parliament.

16:12 - 16:14

S3E06: 975833

- Seven. - Are there?

16:14 - 16:16

S3E06: 978500

- The answer is three. - Does sound about right.

16:17 - 16:19

S3E06: 980916

Three is the correct answer.

16:19 - 16:21

S3E06: 983458

- Rita... Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Come on. Let's have our fun!

16:22 - 16:24

S3E06: 986666

Rita corny Michael.

16:24 - 16:28

S3E06: 990041

So Michael used a line that was just as corny.

16:28 - 16:31

S3E06: 992833

You know, I think that we should wait...

16:31 - 16:34

S3E06: 995416

until after we're married.

16:34 - 16:36

S3E06: 1000166

Married! Married, married, married!

16:38 - 16:41

S3E06: 1002833

Okay! Night-night!

16:41 - 16:43

S3E06: 1006458

And Michael felt he deserved a $15 thing of candy beans.

16:44 - 16:48

S3E06: 1015666

The next morning, however, as Michael prepared to let Rita down gently...

16:54 - 16:57

S3E06: 1018958

- he was met with another surprise. - Surprise!

16:57 - 17:00

S3E06: 1021625

- What's this? - We're throwing you a wedding.

17:00 - 17:02

S3E06: 1025083

- Oh, how lovely! - On us.

17:03 - 17:07

S3E06: 1028791

Everything you see. Show him the waffle bar, Larry.

17:07 - 17:09

S3E06: 1031500

- It's over there. - And check out banner, Michael.

17:10 - 17:12

S3E06: 1034333

I'm gonna go set up.

17:12 - 17:15

S3E06: 1037083

I was just gonna talk to Rita about all of this.

17:15 - 17:18

S3E06: 1040875

Rita, I think that we should, um, wait a little while.

17:18 - 17:23

S3E06: 1044416

Wait? Why? I don't wanna wait.

17:23 - 17:25

S3E06: 1048708

I want to get married and have sexual relations like you promised.

17:25 - 17:31

S3E06: 1053416

Where did you get this firecracker? I love her, Michael.

17:31 - 17:35

S3E06: 1056625

So do I. I wanna kiss my new daughter-in-law.

17:35 - 17:37

S3E06: 1059291

- Hey, not on our time, Larry. - Right on the lips.

17:37 - 17:40

S3E06: 1062583

- No, no. Please, take it easy. - I'm gonna get my dress from the... from the room.

17:40 - 17:44

S3E06: 1065625

Yes. I'll help you put it on inside-out.

17:44 - 17:46

S3E06: 1068250

Let's... Let's not all get, um...

17:46 - 17:49

S3E06: 1071166

Mom, what's goin' on? I thought you guys were against all this.

17:49 - 17:52

S3E06: 1073625

Well, we feel that you know best...

17:52 - 17:54

S3E06: 1076041

and who are we to interfere, and you love this girl.

17:54 - 17:57

S3E06: 1079166

And the rest will just be little happy surprises...

17:57 - 18:00

S3E06: 1082333

- along the way, like you said. - Yeah.

18:00 - 18:03

S3E06: 1085375

With the exception of the retard thing.

18:03 - 18:06

S3E06: 1088875

- Oh, God. - Tell me you didn't just say that.

18:06 - 18:10

S3E06: 1091875

You knew?

18:10 - 18:12

S3E06: 1094583

You knew, yet you still wanted me to go through with this.

18:13 - 18:15

S3E06: 1097375

What can I say? I'm crazy about the little dullard.

18:15 - 18:19

S3E06: 1100291

Oh, my God. She's rich.

18:19 - 18:21

S3E06: 1102833

This is a new low, even for you, Mom.

18:21 - 18:24

S3E06: 1107791

What is wrong with you?

18:26 - 18:28

S3E06: 1109791

Larry, go to a mirror.

18:28 - 18:30

S3E06: 1114333

- You're fired. - You're fired. What?

18:33 - 18:35

S3E06: 1117500

It's over. And this is how you tell me... in the middle of a wedding?

18:35 - 18:39

S3E06: 1120458

You shouldn't have said anything. You shouldn't have said anything.

18:39 - 18:41

S3E06: 1122541

You were right. Now what am I gonna do?

18:41 - 18:43

S3E06: 1125416

I've been thinking. Every society has their own rules about this stuff.

18:43 - 18:47

S3E06: 1128791

For instance, in some states, it's legal to marry your own cousin.

18:47 - 18:50

S3E06: 1132166

California's blocked it twice, but only because they tacked it onto an estate law thing.

18:50 - 18:54

S3E06: 1135416

- We had the signatures. - You're 16, and you know all that.

18:54 - 18:56

S3E06: 1138166

She's 30 and a half. She probably can't list the seven houses of Parliament.

18:56 - 18:59

S3E06: 1141000

- There's three. - Now I gotta break her heart.

18:59 - 19:02

S3E06: 1143458

Doesn't she have to leave the country if you don't marry her?

19:02 - 19:04

S3E06: 1146541

Yeah, I guess I can keep my promise about that, huh?

19:04 - 19:08

S3E06: 1149291

There wouldn't be any real intimacy...

19:08 - 19:10

S3E06: 1151875

and it would be the strongest marriage in the family.

19:10 - 19:13

S3E06: 1155583

But as much as I'd like to, you can't ignore the fact that she is mentally disabled.

19:13 - 19:17

S3E06: 1158958

Oh, my God.

19:17 - 19:19

S3E06: 1163375

I'm wearing an inside-out bridesmaid's dress.

19:22 - 19:24

S3E06: 1166333

- You'd better catch her, Dad. - Not gonna be easy. She's an Olympic silver...

19:24 - 19:28

S3E06: 1171333

I just figured that one out.

19:30 - 19:32

S3E06: 1174833

Okay. Well, I have to go stop production on The Ocean Walker.

19:32 - 19:37

S3E06: 1181416

- You found out. - Took me long enough.

19:39 - 19:43

S3E06: 1186208

Maybe you're not smart either. I didn't know until they told me.

19:43 - 19:49

S3E06: 1190708

No. I'm just a narcissist who was too self-involved to see the truth.

19:49 - 19:52

S3E06: 1193291

That makes no sense to me.

19:52 - 19:54

S3E06: 1195666

Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

19:54 - 19:57

S3E06: 1199333

You know, the truth is... is that I did just see what I wanted to see.

19:57 - 20:01

S3E06: 1202833

Rita, you're so beautiful, and you're so sweet.

20:01 - 20:04

S3E06: 1206791

And you deserve to find somebody a lot more like you.

20:04 - 20:08

S3E06: 1210458

I don't think that either one of us would be happy.

20:08 - 20:12

S3E06: 1213208

So, it's bye-bye to Rita then?

20:12 - 20:14

S3E06: 1215541

Unless you really want to stay in America.

20:14 - 20:16

S3E06: 1218750

- I wanted to be with you. - Hoy! Rita!

20:16 - 20:20

S3E06: 1222416

Time to go now. Back to England, love.

20:20 - 20:23

S3E06: 1225625

Oh, Michael, will you come visit me lots?

20:24 - 20:27

S3E06: 1228958

That's gonna be difficult, Rita. You're gonna be across an ocean.

20:27 - 20:30

S3E06: 1232041

- Well, you can always walk. - Not on the water.

20:30 - 20:33

S3E06: 1235041

Oh, Michael, you're such a grown-up.

20:33 - 20:36

S3E06: 1244625

Hey! He-Hey!

20:43 - 20:45

S3E06: 1250875

Hang on a sec. That's part of your trick, right?

20:49 - 20:52

S3E06: 1254125

No. That's not my trick, Michael.

20:52 - 20:55

S3E06: 1261416

On the next Arrested Development.

21:00 - 21:02

S3E06: 1263958

It's my illusion!

21:02 - 21:05

S3E06: 1266416

Michael relives a wedding nightmare.

21:05 - 21:07

S3E06: 1268791

- Help! Put him out! - My hair! My beautiful hair!

21:07 - 21:10

S3E06: 1271791

- Push him in the pool! - Why am I not going underwater?

21:10 - 21:13

S3E06: 1275791

Dear God! Why am I not going underwater?

21:13 - 21:16