Episode 3x6 - "The Ocean Walker"
Director: Paul Feig
Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything...
00:01 - 00:03
and the one son who had no choice...
00:04 - 00:06
but to keep them all together.
00:06 - 00:08
It's Arrested Development.
00:14 - 00:15
Michael was sharing some very important news with his parents.
00:18 - 00:22
I am getting married.
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Who the hell to?
00:24 - 00:26
Who do you think? Rita.
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- Her? - Why?
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First, she needs a green card to stay in the country.
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- There it is. - She needs a green card to stay in the country...
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because, secondly, we're really crazy about each other.
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- You hardly know her. - I know all the important stuff.
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She was in the Olympics.
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- She's sweet, smart, beautiful. She's special. - She was special.
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- Are houses hard to make? - Actually, the hardest part is finding the land.
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But she wasn't smart.
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Instead of making houses, maybe you should make land...
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- For Rita had only mentally progressed... - on the ocean.
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To the level of a first-grader.
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There's no land on the ocean.
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Michael might have noticed her disability...
01:06 - 01:09
if it had not been masked by her English accent.
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- You're brilliant. - Yeah, she wasn't.
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She's a really good person. Everything else is gonna be little surprises along the way.
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With the exception of that one big one.
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- The wedding is in one month. - Oh.
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- A month! - Now, look.
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Just because a woman gets pregnant, it doesn't mean you have to marry her.
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Too many lives have been ruined because some cheap waitress at a HoJo...
01:31 - 01:33
said she used an IUD.
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- It was Stuckey's. - But I believed you.
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She's not pregnant. We haven't even slept together.
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This is funny.
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- He's gay! - Where's your hand?
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I'm having my high school ring put on it, and my hook is stuck in the stair car.
01:47 - 01:50
Oh.
01:55 - 01:57
- Do you think getting married will solve your sex problem? - No, we don't have a problem.
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- We just haven't had the right opportunity yet. - Lindsay said Rita slept over.
02:01 - 02:05
Yes, but I gave her the bedroom because I didn't want her to feel pressured.
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Actually, it was Michael who felt a little pressured.
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I like to keep the light on.
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That way, I can see if you have a monster.
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Night-night. Can you shut the door on your way out?
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I can't believe you're not supporting this.
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Because it is obvious what she's after.
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- Our money. - Oh, God! Our money.
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- Let's all remind ourselves we don't have any money. - She's already gotten our money!
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Let's not forget she's the one that gave us the idea for that ocean-top town called Bluthton.
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Big deal. I had that same basic idea years ago.
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I thought you'd be happy. I should've known better.
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Michael, be careful. People just see what they want to see.
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If she loved you, she'd show it.
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Michael was worried.
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His mother may have been making sense.
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So he returned home to talk to Rita.
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- Here comes the bride! - What are you doing in a wheelchair?
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No, no. It's a dolly... to help videotape your nuptials.
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I don't think I need any footage of my nuptials.
03:05 - 03:08
Tobias, are you sure that this dolly isn't related to your recent health problems?
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Okay, so my legs and my left arm occasionally "go to sleep."
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And you want to call it a health problem.
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- Oop. - Hey. Hey, hey!
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I can get up myself.
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- Here we go. - Let me get in the dolly.
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No, thank you. I don't need your help.
03:26 - 03:27
It does seem like you've been having a lot of trouble since the hair transplants.
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- Maybe you should see a "bubaman." - A bubaman?
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Like they say "go up box" instead of “elevator."
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Like when they say "poofter" to mean "tourist."
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- Boy, that Rita's a smarty. - True, but it's not like anybody appreciates it.
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- Mom and Dad do not like Rita. - Are they crazy? She's amazing.
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I saw her last night. She helped me with this project I was doing.
03:48 - 03:51
Maeby was struggling with a screenplay...
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in her secret life as a film executive.
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- Is that a story? - Not yet. It doesn't have an ending.
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He's in LA. She's in Japan. How do I get these two characters together?
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- Maybe they could walk. - Across the ocean?
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- If it's not too deep. - No. Deep is good.
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People are gonna say, "What the hell just happened? I'd better say I like it."
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- 'Cause nobody wants to seem stupid. - I like it.
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The Ocean Walker. Holy crap. That's gonna look good on a hat.
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And Michael caught up with his brother.
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I need a favor. As you know, I'm gettin' married in a month.
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- Say no more. - Great. Are you sure that you know what...
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- Yep, yep, yep. Got it. - Super. Just so that we're both clear...
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You want me to do a magic show at the wedding. I'm on it.
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I'm so glad we pushed through that. No magic.
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Why, because of the one little screw-up last time?
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- Put her out! Put her out! - Tracey! On fire! Roll!
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Thank God we already did the pictures.
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Which reminds me that Rita shouldn't wear any hair spray at this thing.
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- I just want you to be my witness. - You want me to...
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be your best man?
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It's just a signature I need on the license.
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My son's not old enough. It's... It's no big deal.
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I will not take this sacred duty lightly.
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I am gonna get you the single healthiest call girl that this town has ever seen.
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This is why I'm calling it a witness and not a best man.
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All you gotta do is watch.
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I'm not gonna spend this kind of money and not watch.
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This may have been a bad choice.
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Hey, hello. Look at you two... Tweedledee, Tweedledum.
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Michael didn't mean it in that way.
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How could he? He didn't even know.
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We had the best time. She's got such an amazing fashion sense.
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- You guys got these jackets on inside-out? - That way, you see the label.
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That's what you're paying for, right? It's a great statement on fashion.
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- Plus it doesn't tickle your neck.
05:34 - 05:37
Michael took Lindsay aside to share his concerns.
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Lindsay, when did you first realize that you and Tobias...
05:42 - 05:45
had no chance at a physical relationship?
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Oh, my God. Do you think we have no chance at a physical relationship?
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So, just now. See, Rita and I have not been physical yet, and...
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You don't think she's doing this just for a green card, do you?
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No. She's not that kind of person. You just haven't been alone with her.
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Ask her to stay over at a hotel with you tonight.
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- She's gonna know what that means. - That is not a bad idea.
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Don't... Don't do that.
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And Gob began to prepare a magic trick for Michael's wedding.
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Takes his queen...
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and showers her with diamonds!
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Clubs. Club sauce.
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He covers her with club sauce.
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That'll be my line if that happens.
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Is that a magic trick? I love magic.
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I don't appreciate the dry British humor.
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Please do a magic trick for me.
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Well, I shouldn't. I'd hate to be blamed...
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for setting another one of Michael's brides... on fire!
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Oh. Lighter fluid, like Uncle Trevor uses.
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But wherever did it come from?
06:47 - 06:50
Okay, I've gotta get you into an illusion at the wedding.
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- How long can you hold your breath? - Oh, long. One time, 20 minutes.
06:53 - 06:56
Actually, her record was 20 seconds.
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You can stop it. It's okay. I'm gonna take your word for it.
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Now I just need to find a trick that puts you out of oxygen for 20 minutes.
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Sorry? Did I hear the word "trick"? And it smells a lot like lighter fluid in here.
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I did say no tricks, Gob, and I mean it.
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What if I find a trick that has her float to the altar or something?
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No, no. Love for her to walk and not to drown...
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or fly through the air or catch on fire.
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- Is she allergic to cat fur? - Uh, no tigers.
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Great.
07:23 - 07:24
So, uh, Rita, um...
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I was wondering if maybe you and I...
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might head down to a hotel?
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- Maybe some alone time. - Oh, yes.
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- Yeah? - Maybe our rooms could touch.
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I... I was hoping maybe for more than just our rooms to touch.
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I was thinking maybe we could be...
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in the same room, be in the same bed.
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I see what you mean... a real sleepover.
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- Well, maybe. - Okay.
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- Really? - Maybe I should go home and get my things.
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I do kinda miss my jammies.
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I think they're gonna have a lot of that stuff there.
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And my tiny teddy.
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Good. Yes, get that.
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And so George Michael drove Rita to Wee Britain.
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It's nice to be with someone young.
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We can listen to young people's music for a change.
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Great. Yeah, please.
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That's when he first grew concerned.
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And Rita packed for her sleepover.
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Do you have any idea what a sleepover is? 'Cause it's not just sleep.
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I know what it is, Trevor. I've seen your secret magazine.
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I want to have grown-up fun... spoon and figgy pudding...
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rabbit down dum, druggeries hollow.
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And I want to have pop-pop.
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The very fact that you call it that tells me you're not ready.
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And for your information, that's a cricket magazine.
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Whether you like it or not, you're still a child in many ways.
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I got a problem with you having sexual relations with that man.
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- So do I. - It's not your fault your parents were cousins.
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But here we are, and I've been charged with taking care of you, and I'm bloody well gonna do it.
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Well, Michael will be my cousin soon enough, 'cause we're getting married.
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- Married? - Married!
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- Totally out of the question! - Married, married, married!
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All right, that does it. You're not going anywhere.
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- I'm puttin' the invisible locks on the door. - That's not fair.
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- Lock, lock. - It's not fair!
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- It's just not fair! - Lock, lock.
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I gotta find a new hiding place for that magazine.
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And Michael was waiting at the hotel.
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Hey, Dad. Just wanted to let you know...
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that I'm at a hotel with my wife-to-be.
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- And we're very, very much in love. - Put her on.
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- Michael briefly considered faking the voice. - I...
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- She's in the shower. - I'll wait.
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Let's wait.
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Don't you want me to just call you back or...
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No. I got nowhere to go. I'm under house arrest.
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Let's watch something together.
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Wow. That Blossom grew up, huh?
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Say, how's that shower comin'?
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- All right, look, she's not in the shower. - Really?
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She said that she'd meet me at the hotel.
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- I called you a little prematurely, but she is coming. - Really?
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Uh! Hey, put Rita on.
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That's when Michael finally accepted...
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that Rita wasn't coming...
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and that local calls were 2.95 a minute.
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- Come on! - That's where they get you.
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Michael drove to Wee Britain to call off the wedding...
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that he now realized was not based on love.
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- Who is it? - It's Michael, Rita. Can I come in?
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What? He locked the door? You can't unlock this door?
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They're invisible. Trevor's the only one who can see them.
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I've got an idea. Go next to the window. I'm gonna climb up.
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- Be careful. - I will.
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And so Michael set about rescuing the beautiful...
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sweet, mentally challenged woman he'd fallen in love with...
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without realizing she was mentally challenged.
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- Yea, Michael! Yea! - Who undid the locks?
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- Come on out. - Trevor's back.
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- Come on. Hop on. - What?
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- Hop on. - Huh?
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- Ready? - Oh! Oh!
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Whee! Oh!
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Hey! Stop that! The both of ya come back!
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- You can't stop us. - Nothing can stop us now.
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Nothing in the world of man nor beast nor time can...
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!@%$ all!
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Reunited with Rita, Michael told his parents he'd be getting married tomorrow.
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- We're getting married tomorrow. - God help her if she tries to rename Bluthton.
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I'll sink it first. I swear, I'll sink the whole damn thing.
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They're goin' through with it... tomorrow.
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But George and Lucille had a surprise visitor.
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All right! Where the hell is Rita?
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- I'm her uncle. - Let the handouts begin.
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There's not gonna be any handouts, and she is not gonna marry your son.
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- You're against this marriage too. - Well, of course I am.
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Rita's not capable of makin' a decision like that.
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You are not gonna get Rita's millions just because she's mentally challenged.
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- Millions? - Millions?
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- Mentally challenged? - Shh! It's not polite.
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She owns all of Wee Britain and also the Wee Britain in Cleveland.
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'Course, we're probably gonna lose all that...
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if her ridiculous idea for Sea Britain goes through.
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We are not after her money.
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And I don't think Michael even knows about her... condition.
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It's funny how Americans don't pick up on that.
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I think it's 'cause of her accent and the plastic surgery she's been able to afford.
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We wouldn't have this trouble if they'd met last year.
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I gotta put a stop to this. I'm gonna search every bloody hotel in town.
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Oh! Legoland. I think they said...
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- they were going to Legoland. - They did say Legoland.
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I didn't hear anything about Legoland.
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He doesn't know what he's talking about.
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We think he may be mentally challenged.
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- Huh? - All right then.
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We have got 24 hours to get them married...
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before Michael figures out what she really is.
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This is the first time in two years you sound like George Bluth.
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Later that night, Michael was at the hotel with his bride-to-be.
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- Rita, I've been really looking forward to this. - Me too.
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I want to have sexual relations.
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The mere fact that you call it that tells me that you are ready.
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- That's why I brought this. - Oh!
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You go ahead and whip out that tiny teddy...
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and then we're gonna think up a fun safe word.
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George Michael, I did not know that you were...
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Um, go ahead and talk out here.
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Just got back from the "bumpaddle" courts.
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Tomorrow, I'm teachin' her baseball.
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- It might take a while. - Sorry?
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Listen, Dad, th-this is... hard...
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This is hard for me to say.
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I was videotaping Rita. Let's just say it would be cute if it was someone much younger.
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I'm sorry. Maybe I should get another tape. They're not expensive.
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That's the plastic fruit, Dad.
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It's very convincing fruit. Okay?
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And... She's goin' back in for another?
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You know, they don't even have bananas in England. Okay, Son?
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Now, I know this is hard for you...
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Now she's goin' into the grapes.
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Yeah. She really liked those.
15:03 - 15:05
I'm sorry.
15:05 - 15:07
I think she might be... retar-retarded.
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I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
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Say hello to my tiny teddy.
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Tiny Teddy? Oh!
15:25 - 15:28
And that's when it dawned on Michael.
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- Oh, you teach kids, huh? - I like to think they teach me.
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That way I can see if you have a monster.
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Be careful.
15:40 - 15:42
I have made a huge mistake.
15:51 - 15:53
Michael had just been shown...
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that his fiancée might be mentally challenged.
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- So, - But he needed proof. - are you ready for lie-down kisses with me?
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Maybe we oughta just talk a little bit.
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I mean, what the heck? For instance, you've never told me...
16:09 - 16:11
how many houses there are in the British Parliament.
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- Seven. - Are there?
16:14 - 16:16
- The answer is three. - Does sound about right.
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Three is the correct answer.
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- Rita... Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Come on. Let's have our fun!
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Rita corny Michael.
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So Michael used a line that was just as corny.
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You know, I think that we should wait...
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until after we're married.
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Married! Married, married, married!
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Okay! Night-night!
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And Michael felt he deserved a $15 thing of candy beans.
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The next morning, however, as Michael prepared to let Rita down gently...
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- he was met with another surprise. - Surprise!
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- What's this? - We're throwing you a wedding.
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- Oh, how lovely! - On us.
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Everything you see. Show him the waffle bar, Larry.
17:07 - 17:09
- It's over there. - And check out banner, Michael.
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I'm gonna go set up.
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I was just gonna talk to Rita about all of this.
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Rita, I think that we should, um, wait a little while.
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Wait? Why? I don't wanna wait.
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I want to get married and have sexual relations like you promised.
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Where did you get this firecracker? I love her, Michael.
17:31 - 17:35
So do I. I wanna kiss my new daughter-in-law.
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- Hey, not on our time, Larry. - Right on the lips.
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- No, no. Please, take it easy. - I'm gonna get my dress from the... from the room.
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Yes. I'll help you put it on inside-out.
17:44 - 17:46
Let's... Let's not all get, um...
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Mom, what's goin' on? I thought you guys were against all this.
17:49 - 17:52
Well, we feel that you know best...
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and who are we to interfere, and you love this girl.
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And the rest will just be little happy surprises...
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- along the way, like you said. - Yeah.
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With the exception of the retard thing.
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- Oh, God. - Tell me you didn't just say that.
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You knew?
18:10 - 18:12
You knew, yet you still wanted me to go through with this.
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What can I say? I'm crazy about the little dullard.
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Oh, my God. She's rich.
18:19 - 18:21
This is a new low, even for you, Mom.
18:21 - 18:24
What is wrong with you?
18:26 - 18:28
Larry, go to a mirror.
18:28 - 18:30
- You're fired. - You're fired. What?
18:33 - 18:35
It's over. And this is how you tell me... in the middle of a wedding?
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You shouldn't have said anything. You shouldn't have said anything.
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You were right. Now what am I gonna do?
18:41 - 18:43
I've been thinking. Every society has their own rules about this stuff.
18:43 - 18:47
For instance, in some states, it's legal to marry your own cousin.
18:47 - 18:50
California's blocked it twice, but only because they tacked it onto an estate law thing.
18:50 - 18:54
- We had the signatures. - You're 16, and you know all that.
18:54 - 18:56
She's 30 and a half. She probably can't list the seven houses of Parliament.
18:56 - 18:59
- There's three. - Now I gotta break her heart.
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Doesn't she have to leave the country if you don't marry her?
19:02 - 19:04
Yeah, I guess I can keep my promise about that, huh?
19:04 - 19:08
There wouldn't be any real intimacy...
19:08 - 19:10
and it would be the strongest marriage in the family.
19:10 - 19:13
But as much as I'd like to, you can't ignore the fact that she is mentally disabled.
19:13 - 19:17
Oh, my God.
19:17 - 19:19
I'm wearing an inside-out bridesmaid's dress.
19:22 - 19:24
- You'd better catch her, Dad. - Not gonna be easy. She's an Olympic silver...
19:24 - 19:28
I just figured that one out.
19:30 - 19:32
Okay. Well, I have to go stop production on The Ocean Walker.
19:32 - 19:37
- You found out. - Took me long enough.
19:39 - 19:43
Maybe you're not smart either. I didn't know until they told me.
19:43 - 19:49
No. I'm just a narcissist who was too self-involved to see the truth.
19:49 - 19:52
That makes no sense to me.
19:52 - 19:54
Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.
19:54 - 19:57
You know, the truth is... is that I did just see what I wanted to see.
19:57 - 20:01
Rita, you're so beautiful, and you're so sweet.
20:01 - 20:04
And you deserve to find somebody a lot more like you.
20:04 - 20:08
I don't think that either one of us would be happy.
20:08 - 20:12
So, it's bye-bye to Rita then?
20:12 - 20:14
Unless you really want to stay in America.
20:14 - 20:16
- I wanted to be with you. - Hoy! Rita!
20:16 - 20:20
Time to go now. Back to England, love.
20:20 - 20:23
Oh, Michael, will you come visit me lots?
20:24 - 20:27
That's gonna be difficult, Rita. You're gonna be across an ocean.
20:27 - 20:30
- Well, you can always walk. - Not on the water.
20:30 - 20:33
Oh, Michael, you're such a grown-up.
20:33 - 20:36
Hey! He-Hey!
20:43 - 20:45
Hang on a sec. That's part of your trick, right?
20:49 - 20:52
No. That's not my trick, Michael.
20:52 - 20:55
On the next Arrested Development.
21:00 - 21:02
It's my illusion!
21:02 - 21:05
Michael relives a wedding nightmare.
21:05 - 21:07
- Help! Put him out! - My hair! My beautiful hair!
21:07 - 21:10
- Push him in the pool! - Why am I not going underwater?
21:10 - 21:13
Dear God! Why am I not going underwater?
21:13 - 21:16