Episode 3x4 - "Notapusy"
Director: Lev L. Spiro
Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything...
00:01 - 00:04
and the one son who had no choice...
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but to keep them all together.
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It's Arrested Development.
00:14 - 00:15
Michael was heading to work when he saw something he had never seen before lunch...
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his twin sister Lindsay.
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- You're up? - Yeah. I work for our attorney now.
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Bob Loblaw. Of course. What is he thinking?
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- I mean, how's it going? - Lousy.
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You know, I only took this nanny job so he'd give me a free divorce...
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and then marry me so I'd never have to work again.
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But all he seems to care about is that daughter of his.
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I got my horse to canter today. First time.
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I've always wanted to make love on a horse.
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And tomorrow, we're gonna work without a lunge line.
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That's so funny, because I can put my leg behind my head.
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I mean, come on. I'm the nanny.
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Of course. Who wouldn't wanna snog the nanny?
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"Snog." Is that another one of your new "Britishisms"?
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It was. Michael had recently fallen bum over noggin...
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for a beautiful English woman called Rita.
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Did I say snog again? Bloody hell.
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You wanna win over Bob, you gotta win over the kid. Here's what you do.
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You find something that you're good at and you share it with her.
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While you're at it, share it with us too, huh? And try not to act so desperate.
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Oh, my God. Did I miss a call?
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This is Rita. Just wanted to say hi.
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I'm on my way to the train station. Bye-bye.
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She's leaving. I gotta get over there.
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- Michael raced to the station... - God, is that how I look?
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Where Rita was being given her ticket.
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Here's your ticket and your instructions. Call me if you get in over your head.
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Hey, hi there, Rita. Hey! Michael.
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Hi. Where are you going, and how long you going for?
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You're right. You-You... Do not answer that.
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- You know, I'm not getting clingy. - Why are you breathing like that?
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I wasn't hurrying to come stop you.
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I was out on... for my daily, uh... Do you run at all?
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Oh, yes. I was in the Olympics once.
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And a silver medal, yes. And you came in second.
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Now I'm very embarrassed to be out of breath in front of you.
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But you take my breath away.
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Oh, Michael.
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You're such a!@%$#.
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Michael was stunned.
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He assumed Rita was using the word !@%$# in the American sense...
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In fact, Rita meant it in the British sense...
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meaning "sweet” or "gentle," as in "pussycat."
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The Jerries aren't so bad. They're just being led by a rotten apple.
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Oh, Reggie. Fighting for your country, you're such a pussy.
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When I miss your lips, I'll put a @%$ in my mouth and think of you.
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That also had a different meaning over there.
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Michael returned home...
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hoping to take solace in his son's company.
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I was thinking you and I should maybe go play a little catch.
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Maybe go for a run. Do some guy stuff.
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- But we're not good at that stuff. - Yes, I am. We... both are.
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Michael and his son had never been...
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a very successful athletic team.
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In fact, the only thing George Michael really liked...
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was hanging motionless from the monkey bars...
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which the president's counsel on fitness ranks as...
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"slightly easier than the slide."
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Anyway, I was just thinking that maybe we should emphasize athletics...
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a little bit more in this family.
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I'm gonna start us off with a protein drink, okay?
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Still doing that, huh?
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Well, l-I do think we should go for a run, huh? Some real guy stuff.
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I'm supposed to go fabric shopping with Ann today.
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I think we can go butcher.
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Uh, uh, no. We're-We're making a gown.
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- She's gonna be in a beauty pageant. - Yeah. Who's Ann?
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My-My girlfriend. She's... You've met her so many times. You've met her and met her.
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I know who Annabelle is. Who's the Ann that's in the beauty pageant?
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That's her. Her name isn't Annabelle. That's Ann.
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No, I know that her name is not Annabelle. I just...
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That's how I remember her name, 'cause her body's kind of shaped like a...
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She's the belle of the ball. What is she doin' in the beauty pageant?
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She's... Is she running the lights or something?
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She's in it. She's a-a contestant.
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- Sort of like an inner beauty pageant. - Ah! There it is.
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- Is it like a Christian thing? - Well, it's half.
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It's at the state fair, which this year's gonna be a church and state fair.
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It seems the state had run out of money...
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and was going to cancel the fair...
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until it was resurrected by this man...
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who agreed to cover the fair's costs...
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if it included a church presence.
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I got some news for you. There's no such thing as an inner beauty pageant.
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They’re just gonna pick the chick with the best T and A.
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As a child, Maeby had been entered...
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into a number of progressive pageants...
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that claimed to celebrate beauty in all its forms.
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But the winners still tended to have it going on in the conventional sense.
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Remember how badly you used to want to win?
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- No, I remember how badly you used to want me to win. - We should have...
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- I don't know where that hair of yours came from. - Shameless Plugs on Placentia.
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Looks pretty good, huh? And they're not licensed, which means big savings.
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That's been happening a lot lately.
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- You know what? This is the perfect thing to do. - No, Mom, I'm not gonna do it.
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No, no, not you. Bob's daughter Hope.
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If I can get Hope this crown...
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maybe her father might just wanna crown me, if you know what I mean.
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I'm guessing have sex, but that's meeting you more than halfway.
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Tobias, wanna clean up that mirror? And the vase?
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Perhaps if I could coach a certain young lady to victory in this pageant...
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I can gain back the respect of my wife.
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- I'll show them a little T and A. - You can't make me do it, Dad.
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- Tobias and Ann. - My Ann?
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No, I don't... I don't think we need any help.
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Oh, George Michael, she's a girl.
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I need to teach her how to be a woman. Within her lies a queen.
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Let me out that queen.
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I think you just did.
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- Michael. - Gob.
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Let me get that for you. Um...
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So a young neighborhood tough by the name of Steve Holt's gonna be here any minute.
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- Your son. - According to him.
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- And a DNA test. - I heard the jury's still out on science.
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Anyway, he wants to go to the fair.
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But I don't wanna hurt his feelings, so I need you to do it.
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Just tell him that I'm out of town on one of my trips.
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- I'm not gonna lie to your son. - Come on. I lie to yours all the time.
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Michael, I'm not ready to be a dad.
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Plus, I'm gonna be very busy this week being a judge for the pageant.
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Gob had been a pageant judge for years.
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- You can't believe what it does for your sex life. - I don't wanna hear it.
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I don't wanna say it. First place chick is hot but has an attitude.
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Doesn't date magicians. Second place is someone weird usually...
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like a Chinese girl or a geologist.
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But third place, although a little bit plain, has super low self-esteem.
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So I step in and, uh, lay her crown upon my sweet head.
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Have I missed this euphemism?
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- Steve Holt! - I should go.
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He's hiding from me, isn't he?
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You know, you gotta stop saying your name all the time.
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It's just they have this father-son triathlon, and I just wanted him to do it with me.
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- Mmm. - Stupid, huh?
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- That's a pretty tough race. - Only for a wimp, a wuss.
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- A!@%$#. - And Steve didn't mean pussycat.
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Uh, Steve, how'd you like to do that triathlon with me?
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- Are you serious? - Yeah.
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- Uncle Mike! - Steve Holt!
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Both men felt good about themselves.
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- Uncle Mike! - Steve Holt!
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But Gob didn't share their enthusiasm.
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So this is how Michael gets rid of my son... by stealing him.
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Well, I'll just have to steal something of his...
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like, say, his bicycle, as a... placeholder.
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Michael was trying to prove his manliness with Steve Holt.
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Rita. Hey, it's Michael. Just wanted to let you know...
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that I'm running a triathlon at the fair, and if you're back in town...
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Oh, I can't believe I chose this moment to call you.
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Meanwhile, at the Church and State Fair...
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Maeby was trying to enroll in the pageant... sort of.
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Your situation poses a problem. Let me talk to our chairman.
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- Hey, what are you doing, Maeby? - It's Surely.
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I'm just here to prove that all these pageants care about is looks.
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Just watch. Surely's inner beauty will get trumped by her outer icky.
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- What happened to your nose? - It's part of the disguise.
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Isn't it cool? The same one Nicole Kidman wore in The Hours.
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It had been purchased for her at a charity auction she'd attended as a studio executive...
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- $10,000. - by Jamie Kennedy.
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You're such a dear.
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But I'm not putting you in my remake of A Thoroughly Polite Dustup.
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Miss Wolfbeak...
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although it costs quite a bit to put in a ramp for you, we got approval.
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You're in.
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As Maeby found herself stuck in a beauty pageant...
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Lucille was meeting with attorney Bob Loblaw...
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about getting her son out of the army.
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I mean, my God. He's already lost a hand. If he loses a leg...
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how will we ever get him out of the apartment?
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Well, the army does have a “one in, one out" program...
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where the inductee is relieved of duty once he enlists someone to take his place.
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So I'm supposed to find some poor, innocent soul and hook him?
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Well, that's not going to help sign anyone. Where's your hand?
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It got stuck in the prize hole again.
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I told you not to play that stupid game anymore.
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- Ow. There goes number three. - I wasn't playing it.
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I was just trying to get my other one back.
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Hi. Sorry, sorry. I totally forgot about this... meeting.
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What's going on?
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Your father's gotten a lot of bad press because of the escape attempts.
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- Volunteer for something. - I'll do anything to get out of this!@%$#% apartment.
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You'll do anything to get out of !@%$#% in this apartment.
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- Ah, you're drunk. - Yeah, Mom, can you just...
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And, Dad... You know, why do we even need the surrogate?
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- Dad's in the apartment... - Don't come in here. Don't come in here.
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Don't come in here. I said not to come in.
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- Would you get out here please? - I'm watching the game. - I said not to come in!
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- I did not spend money on a surrogate so you can just... - I lost him.
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I think you've got your hands full trying to make this guy look good.
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There's a "Startled Straight" program at the fair...
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which involves you speaking with at-risk male youth...
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to scare them away from criminal behavior.
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Okay. I can do that. I'm gonna need some big, blown-up photos of your mother.
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I think they're talking about your time in prison, Dad.
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Oh. Okay. Why not?
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I mean, uh, if I don't win this thing, I'm gonna be back there anyway.
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"At risk male youth." That spells "army."
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And that's when Buster discovered a recruiting pool...
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the government had been fishing for years.
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- I may head down there too. - Yeah, I don't know, Dad.
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"Startled Straight." I'm not so sure you're the guy for that.
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But I'll look into it while I'm down at the fair signing up for a triathlon.
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Triathlon? Do you know how hard a triathlon is?
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People lose control of every bodily function. Didn't you ever see that video?
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It's like your mother on New Year's Eve.
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Actually, Lucille went down faster.
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You're not even in shape. You're gonna fall apart in front of everybody.
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- You're kind of scaring me, Dad. - You see?
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Perfect for this "Startled Straight" thing.
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Tobias was getting Ann ready...
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for the talent portion of the pageant.
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I think we need something with a little more spectacle in the act.
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Something that will make you look small and pretty in comparison.
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- A camel. - You know, she has a really lovely singing voice.
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I'll sing to the camel.
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Yes. We can Google some disco songs with the word "hump" in them.
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- Cute. - No, that sounds a bit racy.
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Okay. He may be afraid of sex, but you're not going to win without it.
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- No, I'm not afraid of sex. - Oh, good.
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Go have sex with this girl right now. Do it. Go.
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Get in there, have some sex with her right now.
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I didn't think so. Ann, you need to decide...
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whether you want a man or a boy.
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- I know how I'd answer. - Give us some room, George Michael.
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- I can't breathe. - Okay, now you're upsetting the talent. Out!
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Michael, meanwhile, had begun training for the triathlon...
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to keep from humiliating himself in front of Rita.
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Don't ask, "Can I?" Ask, "I can!"
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You can control your bladder when you're dead.
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No blood, no oil. There's no "I" in win!
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Michael returned confident in his manliness...
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when he ran into his son, who was questioning his own.
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How is that pageant going?
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- It turns out Ann doesn't want me around during it. - Really?
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Well, now you and me can go to that fair together tomorrow after all.
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- Yeah? - Yeah, and maybe do some man stuff like you said.
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Actually, I've already signed up for the father-son triathlon.
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Oh. Okay, great. Yeah. I did wanna do that with you.
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I mean, I've already promised Steve Holt.
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- You know, he's older. It's more manly. - You don't think I'm manly?
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No, no, it's just, uh...
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Darn that Annabelle! She ruins everything.
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But the next morning, Michael awoke...
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to discover every muscle in his body was exacting revenge.
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- Oil? - And so was his brother Gob.
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Hey, does anyone know why my handlebars are in my bed?
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The Church and State Fair was in full swing.
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And Lindsay watched with pride as Hope Loblaw...
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Did an original number that Lindsay herself had written.
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And now, please welcome Annabelle Veal...
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performing "We Three Kings" with a camel tow.
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Michael arrived at the fair sore from overtraining.
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Can't really go that high. I'm in a lot of pain here.
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Yeah, you know, I figured you'd be that way.
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So, uh, Coach gave me these. They're, uh, pills filled with oxygen.
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- Yeah? - And they keep you from being incontinent.
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Have one. They're called oxy-incontinent.
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Steve didn't have that quite right.
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But Michael thought Rita might be coming, and he was desperate to impress her.
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Meanwhile, Maeby was trying to get knocked out of the pageant.
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Pope impersonator, Church. How has God influenced your life?
14:26 - 14:30
About just as much as Big Bird and the Keebler elves.
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Well, my faith would have been shaken if he had taken my legs too.
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Uh, Gob Bluth, State.
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I was betrayed by my brother Michael.
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Who's your favorite family member and why?
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Definitely not my shallow, materialistic mother, who only cares about looks.
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I think we all feel that way about our mothers. And we all have legs.
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Meanwhile, George Sr. arrived at the Startled Straight tent.
15:02 - 15:05
I'll be waiting out here with my enlistment forms.
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So go in there and scare them right into my open arm!
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But as it turns out, the fair had two Startled Straight tents...
15:11 - 15:16
and George Sr. Had wandered into the church-sponsored one...
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You wanna be some guy's girlfriend?
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Intended to scare gay young men into a heterosexual lifestyle.
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You wanna have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night...
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- start messing with your junk? - Is he ugly?
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No, it's pitch-black. You don't... You don't see him.
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It never stops, guys...
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and everybody acts like it's no big deal.
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Is there a cover charge?
15:39 - 15:42
And the inner beauty pageant was down to the final three.
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Will it be the beautiful Hope Loblaw...
15:45 - 15:48
the stalwart Annabelle Veal...
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or the justifiably bitter Surely Wolfbeak?
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It became clear that Surely was going to win.
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I'm sorry. This is wrong.
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And that's when Maeby displayed some real inner beauty.
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One of these girls deserves to win.
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She can stand!
16:08 - 16:10
- Maeby? - That's how I know her.
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- Let us pray. - Oh, for God's sake.
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Praise the Lord!
16:17 - 16:19
And Michael, now feeling a little woozy...
16:20 - 16:22
arrived to see the triathlon course...
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which consisted of several tricycles, five inflatable pools...
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- What the hell is this? - and fathers and sons being manacled together.
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Don't let it psyche you out. Did that oxy-incontinent set in yet?
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You knew this is what the race was?
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Kind of. I mean, they change it every year so you can't replicate it on your lawn.
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Why did you let me train so hard?
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- I just thought you wanted to hang out and do guy stuff. - This isn't guy stuff.
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I don't know why I thought that you'd wanna do this. This is stupid, huh?
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No, Steve, Steve. You're not going anywhere.
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- You'll do it with me? - We're chained together.
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But, you know, Rita's not here yet, and what the hell. Let's go win this thing.
16:57 - 17:01
- Let's win this thing! - What the hell.
17:01 - 17:03
- What the hell! - Let's win this thing. Let's go ahead and start up.
17:03 - 17:06
And after the pageant, George Michael went to congratulate Ann.
17:06 - 17:10
Congratulations on coming in third. That's amazing.
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And I heard you're the first camel act to ever crack the top 10 too...
17:13 - 17:15
so that's, like, a record.
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And I'm a bit relieved, because, um, I was...
17:17 - 17:21
I thought maybe if you came in first, you would have outgrown me.
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- Outgrown you. - Mm-hmm.
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That is the term I've been looking for.
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It seems Gob was right...
17:28 - 17:30
about what happens to third place contestants.
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I met a man.
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George Michael was devastated.
17:34 - 17:37
It seemed he'd lost his girl and his father because he wasn't man enough.
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And he was faced with a choice.
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Michael and Steve Holt finished their triathlon in first place.
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Of course, they were way older.
18:05 - 18:07
Believe it or not, that took about everything I got.
18:07 - 18:09
I don't know what was in that pill, but I do not feel so great.
18:09 - 18:11
- It's gonna get a little worse before it gets any better. - Really?
18:11 - 18:13
- We won! - Okay.
18:13 - 18:15
- Hey, possible nephew. - Oh, hey.
18:15 - 18:16
Michael, your son's signing up for the army.
18:16 - 18:18
What? You signed him up for the army?
18:18 - 18:20
Oh, my God, you're right. If he goes in, I can get out.
18:20 - 18:22
- I've gotta get my name on his form. - Hang on! Hey!
18:22 - 18:24
I gotta get there. I gotta stop this.
18:25 - 18:27
Hey, you gotta do this with me. Come on.
18:27 - 18:29
And that's when Rita noticed Michael.
18:29 - 18:32
Wait for me. Wait for me.
18:32 - 18:35
- Michael? - Hey.
18:35 - 18:37
- Could you not finish? - No, no. First place.
18:37 - 18:40
First place, I swear. But I'm sorry, I gotta go do something.
18:40 - 18:42
- Wait, I'm dizzy. - Uncle Mike, come on.
18:42 - 18:44
- I'll-I'll take you. - No, no, no, no. Steve, Steve...
18:44 - 18:47
Let's go. Come on. Come on.
18:47 - 18:49
And meanwhile, George Sr...
18:49 - 18:51
hadn't succeeded in startling anyone but himself.
18:51 - 18:55
I mean, there's nothing to do all day except lift weights and fold laundry...
18:55 - 19:00
get thrown into a cage with a bunch of sweaty men.
19:00 - 19:03
Excuse me. I can't go back.
19:03 - 19:07
- I can't go back. - I'm glad he won't be there. He's ugly.
19:07 - 19:10
George Sr. Came across a U.S. Army combat Humvee...
19:10 - 19:14
and the pope mobile...
19:14 - 19:16
and he decided to escape in the bulletproof one.
19:16 - 19:19
Come on. I can't go back!
19:21 - 19:24
- And Michael caught up with George Michael... - What are you doing?
19:24 - 19:27
Who was three rungs away from being in the army.
19:28 - 19:30
I'm becoming a man, Dad. Isn't that what everybody wants?
19:30 - 19:32
Of course not. Gob, can you get us out of these chains, please?
19:32 - 19:35
Oh, so you steal my son, and now you need me to save yours.
19:35 - 19:38
- All right, one key coming up. - He's a magician.
19:38 - 19:42
Yeah. We-We need you to sign this form.
19:42 - 19:44
No, it's good, Dad.
19:44 - 19:45
There's all sorts of benefits, and it's like a family.
19:46 - 19:48
But it's also an army of one, and it's no place for wimps.
19:48 - 19:52
You have a family, okay? And I'm the wimp, not you.
19:52 - 19:56
Because I could not take you being away in the army, all right?
19:56 - 20:00
I love you.
20:00 - 20:03
- That did it. - He's not signing up.
20:04 - 20:08
That's too bad. I was this close to gettin' out.
20:08 - 20:10
Hey, I think I'm gonna go get one of those corn dog crosses.
20:11 - 20:13
- With all the "crucifixins"? All right. - Thanks, Dad.
20:13 - 20:16
- Was that your son? - Yes, Rita.
20:23 - 20:26
Yeah. The most important person in the world to me.
20:26 - 20:29
You really are quite a man, Michael.
20:29 - 20:32
- Do you really think so? - Oh, yes.
20:33 - 20:34
You're a complete and utter!@%$#.
20:35 - 20:38
I can't believe we had to bleep that.
20:42 - 20:45
It would have been such a nice moment.
20:45 - 20:47
On the next Arrested Development.
20:48 - 20:50
Buster signs Steve Holt up for the army.
20:50 - 20:53
No, no, you can't. You can't. I'm finally ready to be a father to you.
20:53 - 20:57
- I know that now. - I don't go in for another two years.
20:57 - 21:00
Well, as your father, can I sign something?
21:00 - 21:04
And George Sr. Finds out...
21:04 - 21:06
- that a fake pope mobile... - I'll see you in hell!
21:06 - 21:08
...can't stop real bullets.
21:11 - 21:13
Thank God I wasn't in the Humvee.
21:13 - 21:16