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Episode 2x2 - "The One Where They Build a House"

Director: Patty Jenkins

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Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything...

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and the one son who had no choice...

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but to keep them all together.

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Michael Bluth was at home working on a plan to save the company.

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How's this for a business model? We make the company look like it's in the black...

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by starting construction on the phase two development.

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I know what you're thinking, we're not in the black.

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How're we gonna build 30 houses without any money? We don't. We build one-

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then we have a huge ribbon-cutting ceremony while raising funds for the others.

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Michael's father always unveiled his construction projects...

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with a highly publicized ribbon-cutting ceremony.

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He even did so for the prison he built...

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and, somewhat ironically, would later occupy.

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The only difference is this time I get to cut the ribbon. What do you think?

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There's a cream with real diamonds in it.

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I can actually smear diamonds on my face, and it's only $400 a tub.

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That's like, what, like a million diamonds for $400?

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- Mm. - A million- diamonds.

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- Okay. - Is she on you about that diamond cream?

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My husband's jealous because since we decided to have an open marriage...

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I've been doing a little better than he has.

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It is not a competition, Lindsay.

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We are doing this to save our marriage.

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But I should be telling you that I have been meeting my fair share of groupies.

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Or should I say "Bluepies"?

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Tobias had recently auditioned as an understudy...

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for the silent performance art trio, the Blue Man Group.

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He had yet to hear back from them.

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You guys really think you have the guts to go through with this "seeing other people" thing?

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In fact, neither Lindsay nor Tobias did have the guts to go through with it.

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- I already have. - I have too.

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Can I buy you a drink?

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No. - Lindsay, because she'd lost her self-confidence.

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I'd like to buy you a drink. Where's she going?

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Who are you gonna bring to this ribbon-cutting dance?

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It's not a dance, and you don't need a date. Although, George Michael...

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I'd love for you to come with me when I cut the ribbon at the new house.

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Oh, wow. Hey, can I bring Ann?

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Who?

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Ann. You know, she's- she's the girl I'm kinda hanging out with.

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- I haven't met Ann. - Yes, you have.

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- Michael had met Ann. - You let her in.

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See, that's her right over there.

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- Oh, Ann. Yes, yes, yes, yes. - Yeah.

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I know Ann. Hey, you! She's got a little hard-boiled egg going there.

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Oh, it's so cute. She sometimes takes a little pack of mayonnaise...

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and she'll squirt it in her mouth, and then she'll take an egg...

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and kind of- mmm.

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She calls it a mayonn-egg.

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- Are you okay? - I don't feel so good.

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You know, I kind of wanna buy her a diamond.

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- Her? - Ann.

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I know I can't afford it, but Aunt Lindsay was telling me about this diamond cream.

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George Michael, um, I'm sure that Egg is a very nice person. I just don't want you spending-

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- It's Ann. Her na- - all your money getting her all glittered up for Easter.

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You know? More importantly, I want us to do this together.

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Kinda like a father-son sort of thing, you know?

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And since Pop-Pop is no longer president, we get to do it.

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- I thought Gob was president. - Yeah, and I don't have any problem with that.

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In fact, since Michael's father escaped from prison...

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his brother Gob had been made president, albeit in name only.

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Which is why Michael was surprised when he got to work the next day.

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- You're still in my office. - Gosh, Michael, I am kind of the president.

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And I have no problem with that. But it is just a title, remember?

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Just doing this to appease the stockholders, while they scrutinize me for Dad's crimes.

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Hey, Dad may have illegally built some homes in Iraq, which is kinda not cool.

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I know, but that's why I've got a business model...

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that I think is going to restore the image of our company.

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We're going to build a second model home.

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That's great. Can I announce it to the board?

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Gee, it is my business model.

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If you had a business model, then by all means, go in there and do your little dance.

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Tell you what we're gonna do. Rock, paper, scissors for it.

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- No, no, I'm not interested in doing- - One, two, three.

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- Paper covers rock. - It is a rock though. It should beat everything.

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There's not a lot of logic to it. It's like on a boat with "Women and children first."

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Why should they-which, before I forget, I'm buying a company boat.

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Sorry?

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That morning, Gob had gone to a boat show, where he saw something he wanted.

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- Hello. - Hi.

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- What a beauty. - Thank you.

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- I meant you. - Well.

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Gob flirted with her for a while, and finally asked for her number.

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- Let's get some digits. - I'm sorry. I don't give it out without a firm offer.

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Oh, I'll make you a firm offer.

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Unfortunately, she wasn't flirting.

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And here again, please.

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- The Seaward. - You're not getting a boat.

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- One, two, three. - No, not gonna do it.

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- Paper covers rock. - Fine. But rock sinks boat.

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- Michael? - Mom, I'm right in the middle of something.

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- Get rid of the Seaward. - I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

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It's about your Uncle Oscar. I want him to move in with you.

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You're not kicking him out already, are you?

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Michael's uncle had recently moved into Lucille's apartment...

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- and he didn't. - That's what makes it so hot.

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Mother?

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Mother!

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- I heard zoo noises. - It's nothing. Go back to bed.

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So, everybody's still up, huh?

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It's not fair to Buster. He's a nervous wreck right now.

05:29 - 05:31

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He's going into the army, for God's sake.

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You volunteered him.

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I knew you were going to throw that in my face.

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Don't worry about it, okay? They're never gonna take him anyway.

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At that moment, Buster was taking his physical at the recruitment center.

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I don't have a hole in my heart. I've never opened my eyes underwater.

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My- Reproductive organ...

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is shaped like- a lobster tail...

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but without its shell, hmm?

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Oh, I guess I have the panic attacks under control.

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Oh, and I'm legally blind at night.

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But Buster had miscalculated the army's current need for personnel.

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Okay, then, let's get you fitted for a uniform.

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What? What?

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Hey, why don't you volunteer Oscar? That would solve both of your problems.

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He'd never cut his hair.

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That hair.

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Listen, Oscar's your problem. I'm taking care of everything else in this family...

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including starting construction on a second model home.

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We're having a ribbon-cutting ceremony.

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We can't have a ribbon-cutting without your father, and he's God knows where.

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George Sr. Was in Mexico...

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with his escape accomplice and ex-secretary, Kitty.

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I keep eating so many eggs. It must be my unconscious desire to have a baby.

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Oh, my God. Can you even imagine how cute the combination of the two of us would be?

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I mean, we're all out of "prophylacticos" anyway.

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Somebody used the last two on his feet to walk across the bathroom floor.

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But he was growing tired of their confined intimacy.

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- I've made a huge mistake. - Hey, it's me.

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- Dad? - Yeah. Listen, I gotta make this quick.

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You're the only one who can save the family, but you gotta keep the company strong...

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because I'm gonna need some of that money later.

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I will, Dad. It's funny, after all these years of...

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- you making fun of me for the magic shows and- - Gob!

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Oh, for God's- I called to talk to Michael, you horse's-

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- Gob was hurt. - Bye, Pop.

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Hey, whoa, whoa, was that Dad?

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Yeah, I had to, uh, jump off.

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You just had Dad on the phone? Where was he?

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No way to tell, really. Portugal.

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- Down South America way. - Well, did he wanna talk to me?

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No, he wanted to talk to the president.

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- I have no problem with that. - Michael was also hurt.

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And George Sr. Was brutally hurt...

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when he was mistaken for his twin brother Oscar.

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Marijuana? No, no.

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That's my brother. "Brothero. Brothero."

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That night, Lindsay headed to the club...

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to try again to meet someone.

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Soon, having struck out again, she spotted a man who looked interesting.

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He had the lean look, effortless hair...

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and dressed-down manner of a movie star.

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- Buy me a drink? - I think the bar's closing.

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I know a place.

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It was at that point that Lindsay had a startling revelation.

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Uh, uh, uh, you get out. Get out. Get out. Out, out, out!

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- No homeless in here! - Homeless? You're homeless?

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You're gross. Oh, God.

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They're taking me in the army. They didn't think there was enough wrong with me.

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Well, did they check everything?

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Yes. They even touched my Charlie Browns. You lied to me.

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- You said I wasn't fit to serve. - Okay, hold on.

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Let's calm down, people.

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Um, I think I know a little bit about avoiding combat duty.

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Now which pinkie do you use less?

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Are you nuts? Do you know what I went through to have this boy?

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Oh, I know where the boy came from.

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Wait. Why were you in the pantry?

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And Lucille realized it was time to end...

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whatever it was she had with Oscar.

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So, I believe it's a good plan.

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The next day, Michael was ready to wow the board with his new business model.

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As I told my brother, the president...

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if we start construction on a second model home...

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we can be cutting this ribbon within two months.

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I said, "That's why you're no longer president."

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Two weeks. Let's do it in two weeks. Hey!

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I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can we stop the music?

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I'm not as optimistic that we can get that done.

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Gob, I think we both agree that we would do things your way...

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if you had a business model.

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Do you have a business model, Gob?

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I am so happy that you asked me that, Michael...

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because I just happen to have a business model right here.

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Solid as a rock

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Meet Starla, the new Bluth Company business model...

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for our phase two campaign.

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Solid as a rock.

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We'll see you at the ribbon-cutting in two weeks...

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if my brother doesn't screw it up first.

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- Hey!

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Gob had committed Michael to building a model home in two weeks.

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We can't build a house in two weeks. Also, I'm not sure how "Solid as a Rock"...

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helps people forget the fact that we built houses in Iraq.

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- I love that. - But you probably know best because you're president.

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We don't have to build a real house, Michael.

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Like you said, it's all for appearances anyway. We throw up a couple of walls.

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- We build a fake one. - What are you talking about?

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Nothing on the inside.

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I'll never get a crew to build it. They'd lose their licenses.

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Then you build it yourself, damn it!

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Hey, there she is, my little business model.

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Sorry about that "build it yourself' crap.

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I might take her to the ribbon-cutting.

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- You end up finding a date yet? - No.

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As Michael grew frustrated by his relationship with Gob...

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Lucille tried to end hers with Oscar.

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- I want you out of the house. - Oh, I want you everywhere.

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Oscar, no. I can't have this in my life anymore. I'm a married woman.

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Lucille, you wanna leave? I won't chase after you.

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But before you do, ask yourself, "Where's your husband?"

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Because I am here. I am real. I am flesh and blood.

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And hair.

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Oh, God, that hair.

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What will people say?

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They'll say, "Those people are in love."

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That night, the evening news report said something very different.

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The surprising home video at 10:00.

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And Michael prepared to build a house.

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Two weeks? But what if my date's not available?

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I'm trying to get a last-minute crew together. Your inability to get a man interested...

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- is not at the top of my list. - Oh, I've got a man interested, Michael.

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- What's wrong with him? - There's nothing wrong with him.

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He is homeless.

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Well, I didn't know he was homeless at the time.

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- It was humiliating. - Is this about Gangy's homeless guy?

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- Gangy's homeless guy? - Yeah, it's all over the news.

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Gangy gave C.P.R. To a homeless guy on the beach.

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I've got someone for your crew, Michael. My boyfriend, the homeless guy.

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I wonder if he even has an apartment or-

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- Hello. - Did you see the news?

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Your Uncle Oscar forced himself on me at the beach today...

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- and I didn't have my horn. - Of course.

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It was Uncle Oscar. Mom, you're not having an affair with him, are you?

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You're building a house? I want you to give it to him.

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- It's not a real house. - Perfect. He's not a real man.

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And George Sr. Made his case to the Mexican police.

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My God, I was beaten up here. I'm telling you. I'm George. I'm not Oscar. I'm George.

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- The Cornballer. - Ssí. The Cornballer.

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George Sr. Had marketed a device called the Cornballer in Mexico...

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after the severe burns it caused led to it being banned in the U.S.

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- Why, did you have one? - Ssí.

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Lindsay, meanwhile, was having trouble finding her homeless man.

13:21 - 13:24

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- He looked like a movie star. - The man looked like a movie star because he was a movie star.

13:24 - 13:28

S2E02: 810708

His name was Tom Jane, and he was making two movies for a major studio.

13:28 - 13:32

S2E02: 816875

which he got to do in exchange for making...

13:35 - 13:38

S2E02: 820541

a rigidly, formulaic popcorn movie.

13:38 - 13:41

S2E02: 822583

- He was living on the streets, researching his role. - Hey, homeless guy.

13:41 - 13:43

S2E02: 825291

- Hey. - I'm not proud of the way...

13:43 - 13:46

S2E02: 827833

I was so grossed out when I found out you were gross before.

13:46 - 13:49

S2E02: 830250

You really thought I was gross, huh?

13:49 - 13:51

S2E02: 833291

Well, at first, I thought you were kind of hot, but I hadn't looked closely enough.

13:51 - 13:55

S2E02: 836791

Listen, I have a construction job for you.

13:55 - 13:58

S2E02: 840583

And if you clean yourself up, who knows? You might actually get a date out of this.

13:58 - 14:02

S2E02: 846166

- Okay. - See ya.

14:04 - 14:08

S2E02: 854750

Okay, we've all made some sacrifices to be here, but we all want the same thing.

14:12 - 14:16

S2E02: 858375

- I wanna live here. - I wanna buy Ann some diamond dust.

14:16 - 14:19

S2E02: 861708

I'm just hoping to get mildly injured, so I can get out of the army.

14:20 - 14:23

S2E02: 864666

Bottom line is we've got two weeks to build a house.

14:23 - 14:25

S2E02: 867250

It doesn't have to be good. It just has to look good.

14:25 - 14:28

S2E02: 869166

I just want my kids back.

14:28 - 14:30

S2E02: 873458

And so, the guys went to work.

14:32 - 14:34

S2E02: 881083

Things didn't go smoothly at first.

14:39 - 14:42

S2E02: 885333

Buster looked for ways to hurt himself.

14:44 - 14:46

S2E02: 893833

But soon the project came together- when Gob stopped by.

14:51 - 14:56

S2E02: 898625

Now we're building a house.

14:57 - 14:59

S2E02: 901375

- Yeah, I'm pretty proud- - So, what do you think? Did I do this or what?

14:59 - 15:03

S2E02: 904125

Seems like your brother did it.

15:03 - 15:05

S2E02: 906166

My brother does what I tell him to do. I'm the president.

15:05 - 15:07

S2E02: 908791

Where's your "P"?

15:07 - 15:09

S2E02: 911375

What? Oh, no, not again.

15:10 - 15:12

S2E02: 913833

I got it.

15:12 - 15:14

S2E02: 916625

Hey, sorry for the "my brother does what I tell him to do" crap...

15:14 - 15:18

S2E02: 919458

but I want this to be perfect for when I cut the ribbon tomorrow.

15:18 - 15:20

S2E02: 921750

You're cutting the ribbon?

15:20 - 15:22

S2E02: 923958

I kinda thought that since I built it...

15:22 - 15:25

S2E02: 926375

- I might go ahead and give it a- - Yeah, okay.

15:25 - 15:27

S2E02: 928750

Can you imagine how that would look to the board?

15:27 - 15:30

S2E02: 932291

The construction worker cutting the ribbon. No, no, that's a job for the president.

15:30 - 15:34

S2E02: 935833

Michael had a problem with that.

15:34 - 15:37

S2E02: 938416

- Gob had taken away something Michael always wanted. - You got the "P."

15:37 - 15:39

S2E02: 941583

Now it was Michael's turn to take something from Gob- Starla.

15:39 - 15:43

S2E02: 945791

And later, Michael set about his plan.

15:43 - 15:47

S2E02: 949125

Gob, do you have Starla's phone number?

15:48 - 15:49

S2E02: 951291

I got a few business things I'd like to go over with the business model.

15:50 - 15:52

S2E02: 954750

Guess who was just over her? Don't, I'll tell you- me.

15:52 - 15:56

S2E02: 958583

- Hmm? - L- the business model.

15:56 - 15:59

S2E02: 960541

Actually, theyjust made out.

15:59 - 16:01

S2E02: 963458

Yeah, she had all kinds of orgasms.

16:01 - 16:04

S2E02: 966541

Imagine that. I finally nailed somebody that you weren't after.

16:04 - 16:07

S2E02: 967458

That's it. I've worked too hard and too long for you to keep getting all the credit.

16:07 - 16:11

S2E02: 975208

whether we're all pretending that you're president or not.

16:13 - 16:16

S2E02: 977458

Yeah, sure. I just wanted-

16:16 - 16:18

S2E02: 980625

- You just wanted what? - I just wanted you to be impressed with me.

16:18 - 16:22

S2E02: 985291

Dad never was. Never said a nice thing about me.

16:22 - 16:26

S2E02: 988791

He called you the other day. He didn't even wanna talk to me.

16:26 - 16:29

S2E02: 991333

Of course he did! He never wants to talk to me. He never has.

16:29 - 16:33

S2E02: 999791

- Cut the ribbon. - Really?

16:39 - 16:41

S2E02: 1002000

- Yeah. How about that? - Michael.

16:41 - 16:42

S2E02: 1004083

I have no problem with it.

16:42 - 16:44

S2E02: 1007000

- All right? Take it easy. Come on. - Thank you.

16:45 - 16:48

S2E02: 1012791

The next day, the Bluth family prepared to unveil phase two.

16:50 - 16:54

S2E02: 1015958

Have you seen your Uncle Gob around?

16:54 - 16:57

S2E02: 1018666

No. And I can't find that diamond dust that Aunt Lindsay bought for me.

16:57 - 17:00

S2E02: 1021833

Oh, well, your Aunt Lindsay has probably taken it. She's just a taker.

17:00 - 17:03

S2E02: 1025000

This is your chance, huh? With the big ribbon-cutters after all these years?

17:03 - 17:06

S2E02: 1027583

Well, actually, I figured, give Gob a chance, you know?

17:06 - 17:08

S2E02: 1029958

The guy doesn't get a whole lot of attention in this family.

17:08 - 17:11

S2E02: 1034083

Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the Bluth Company, Gob Bluth.

17:11 - 17:16

S2E02: 1040750

My brother wasn't optimistic it could be done.

17:19 - 17:21

S2E02: 1044125

But I didn't take "wasn't optimistic it could be done"...

17:22 - 17:26

S2E02: 1047208

for an answer.

17:26 - 17:28

S2E02: 1052333

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you phase two of the Bluth Company.

17:30 - 17:34

S2E02: 1056291

A house truly solid as a rock.

17:34 - 17:38

S2E02: 1063666

But as it turns out...

17:42 - 17:44

S2E02: 1067166

Michael was right to not be optimistic it could be done.

17:44 - 17:49

S2E02: 1073458

And Buster saw the chance to get injured enough...

17:51 - 17:55

S2E02: 1076708

to keep him out of the army.

17:55 - 17:57

S2E02: 1081583

But instead...

17:59 - 18:03

S2E02: 1084916

- got a glimpse inside. - I can't look at that.

18:03 - 18:06

S2E02: 1087166

Unfortunately, Tobias had to.

18:06 - 18:08

S2E02: 1090000

I got the wrong homeless man. I am sorry. I was looking for Lindsay.

18:08 - 18:11

S2E02: 1093916

You lied to me. You both lied to me. I'm goin'to war.

18:11 - 18:15

S2E02: 1097708

- Buster, you can't! - Yes, I can.

18:16 - 18:19

S2E02: 1100708

I don't agree with your dirty doings here...

18:19 - 18:21

S2E02: 1103375

but I will defend with my life your right to do it.

18:22 - 18:24

S2E02: 1107625

You planned this all along, didn't you, Michael?

18:26 - 18:28

S2E02: 1110166

- No, I didn't. I had no crew. I had no time. - You set me up.

18:28 - 18:31

S2E02: 1113291

Gob charged at Michael with the scissors...

18:31 - 18:34

S2E02: 1116208

but Michael, as he always did, picked rock-

18:34 - 18:37

S2E02: 1118875

- You wanted to make me look foolish! - Put down the scissors.

18:37 - 18:40

S2E02: 1121500

- Put 'em down. - Foolish with scissors!

18:40 - 18:42

S2E02: 1124125

Which beat scissors.

18:42 - 18:45

S2E02: 1129208

Unfortunately, the whole incident was covered by the paper.

18:47 - 18:50

S2E02: 1131208

Nobody looks good in this.

18:50 - 18:52

S2E02: 1134083

- Especially that little dude. - That's Ann.

18:52 - 18:55

S2E02: 1136875

- Who's- - It doesn't matter. Listen.

18:55 - 18:57

S2E02: 1139833

You know I didn't set you up, okay? I think the only reason you and I always fight...

18:57 - 19:01

S2E02: 1142833

is that since we were little kids, Dad's always played us off each other.

19:01 - 19:04

S2E02: 1145500

Dad always said that was your fault.

19:04 - 19:06

S2E02: 1147916

Anyway, what we oughta do is make a decision right now...

19:06 - 19:08

S2E02: 1150166

not to let Dad get in the middle of our relationship anymore.

19:09 - 19:11

S2E02: 1152416

- He's not even in town, and we're fighting. - We're grown men.

19:11 - 19:13

S2E02: 1155541

- Yeah, let's just move on. - Look at me. I'm the president of a company now.

19:13 - 19:17

S2E02: 1158916

Oh, that's Dad's line. I bet he saw the paper.

19:17 - 19:20

S2E02: 1161958

Listen, if you want my respect, you won't answer that, okay?

19:20 - 19:23

S2E02: 1164375

It's just gonna cause more problems.

19:23 - 19:25

S2E02: 1169833

Hello? They hung up.

19:27 - 19:31

S2E02: 1173125

They hung up on me. Hiya, guys.

19:32 - 19:34

S2E02: 1175541

I couldn't get the money. I don't know what happened.

19:34 - 19:36

S2E02: 1177625

- I'm impressed you hung up. - Did I hang up?

19:36 - 19:38

S2E02: 1179833

- I meant to hit speaker. - Oh.

19:38 - 19:40

S2E02: 1182208

- You gotta hit the line first. - I'm hitting both at the same time.

19:41 - 19:43

S2E02: 1184500

- These are the lines. There's a line here. - But she said-

19:43 - 19:45

S2E02: 1186583

- It's line and then- - Hey.

19:45 - 19:47

S2E02: 1189083

I don't wanna wait until Dad's dead for us to get along.

19:47 - 19:50

S2E02: 1191875

But it was too late...

19:50 - 19:53

S2E02: 1197291

within the hour.

19:56 - 19:58

S2E02: 1199791

- From now on, we support each other. - We start with a clean slate.

19:58 - 20:01

S2E02: 1202708

- Yeah. - We almost did it though, didn't we?

20:01 - 20:04

S2E02: 1205833

We almost pulled it off.

20:04 - 20:07

S2E02: 1208458

- No, it wasn't even close. - Yeah, a lot of people got hurt.

20:07 - 20:09

S2E02: 1211125

- This was very, very bad. - Not great. Not great.

20:09 - 20:12

S2E02: 1214333

On the next Arrested Development.

20:12 - 20:15

S2E02: 1217250

Lindsay finds out the true identity ofher homeless man.

20:15 - 20:18

S2E02: 1221208

Look. You're a really nice chick, but I'm not homeless.

20:19 - 20:23

S2E02: 1224208

I'm Tom Jane.

20:23 - 20:25

S2E02: 1226333

And even though Lindsay doesn't know who that is...

20:25 - 20:27

S2E02: 1228708

hearing that he isn't homeless is good enough for her.

20:27 - 20:29

S2E02: 1231791

- Buy me a drink? - You're really sweet, but, no.

20:29 - 20:34

S2E02: 1235333

I'm Tom Jane.

20:34 - 20:36

S2E02: 1237625

And Lindsay, crushed and alone...

20:36 - 20:38

S2E02: 1240333

for the first time misses her husband.

20:38 - 20:41

S2E02: 1244500

Tobias.

20:41 - 20:46

S2E02: 1248708

Lindsay, I'm-

20:47 - 20:50

S2E02: 1251625

Is that George Michael's diamond cream?

20:50 - 20:52

S2E02: 1254333

Oh, yes, well, I ran out of blue, and I couldn't find anything else.

20:52 - 20:56

S2E02: 1257916

I think my nipples are bleeding though. I don't know if you're supposed to use quite this much.

20:56 - 20:59

S2E02: 1263208

- That guy's a jerk. - No, I am.

21:01 - 21:04

S2E02: 1266291

No, no, I am.

21:04 - 21:08

S2E02: 1269333

Because I think I need to go to the hospital right away...

21:08 - 21:10

S2E02: 1272791

and see if I can't get some of this diamond dust vacuumed from out of my lungs.

21:10 - 21:14

S2E02: 1276000

This way.

21:15 - 21:16