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Episode 1x21 - "Not Without My Daughter"

Director: Lee Shallat Chemel

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Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything...

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and the one son who had no choice...

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but to keep them all together.

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Michael was heading off to work when his son, George Michael...

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- reminded him of a yearly tradition. - Hey, don't forget me.

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- For what? - It's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

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And unless you had a daughter I don't know about, I'm your girl.

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Michael had first made this joke when George Michael was six.

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Well, she's not my daughter, but it's about as close as I'm gonna get.

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I'm a good little girl.

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It was a joke Michael was starting to grow concerned about...

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- as it had not worn well with age. - Hey, Dad.

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They're out of sanitary napkins in the ladies' washroom.

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Weird kid.

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I don't think this year's such a good idea. You know you're getting older and...

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Yeah, right. Pretty soon I'm going to have to start wearing a bra. Right, Dad?

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- All right, give me one minute. - Really, let's not this year.

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I cannot kill this joke.

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Hey, shouldn't you be getting dressed?

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- Nope. I'm going with my dad to work today. - Hey, peanut butter cup.

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This is work? Watching entertainment news?

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Well, excuse me, Michael, for not raising the perfect daughter that you did.

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I indulged this ritual for years in Boston.

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As a psychotherapist, Tobias was on the forefront of the self-esteem movement.

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There's, like, this longing, this pull.

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I mean, does that make me, you know, like some kind of...

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- Homosexual. - Maeby, please.

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She's right though. You probably are a homosexual.

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So, Maeby, this is what you're gonna do this year? You're gonna watch him watch TV?

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Behind the scenes at Entertainment Tonight.

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Oh, bless her. It's like she knew what I was going to do next.

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It's here! Girls with - Newport Beach.

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From the act I did on the beach over spring break.

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- Any magician... - Gob had done a magic show...

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where he had made the Bluth family yacht... disappear.

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It was spring break, and the act was filmed for the popular video series...

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Girls with Low Self-Esteem.

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This puts me back on top of the old magic career though.

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You're not gonna put that in. There's nudity on that.

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Maeby, why don't you go upstairs and get dressed?

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I must warn you, Michael. She doesn't respond well to strict directives.

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All right.

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- That was odd. - Not really. Kids love boundaries.

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Look at these girls. Is this what you want?

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- Oh, God, no. - 'Cause this could be where your daughter is headed.

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Oh, no, no. I don't want this for Maeby either, no.

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Oh, here it is. Here it is.

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It was a wild time on the beach.

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And if you like magic, look away.

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The only thing this guy could make fly away was the crowd.

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Douche chill.

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I can't believe they used that part.

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The one part where I screw up.

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It's not like they used the part where I made the yacht disappear.

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Sunk the yacht. Blew it up, sunk it.

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- We sure did. - We? No.

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I gave you permission to use the yacht. You blew it up.

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Yeah, well, if you give someone permission to use a tissue...

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you can't be upset if they blow their nose.

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Right? I mean, right?

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Lindsay, new outfit?

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No, I've had this for years. It's a hand-me-down from Mom.

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- Got a price tag right there. - Is there?

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Oh, I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.

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Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me.

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Fine. I bought it before we went broke, okay? I just haven't worn it yet.

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- What about the outfit yesterday? - Old Thing gave it to me.

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- Where are you getting all the money? - It's not costing you anything.

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Unless you're stealing or working, I'm pretty sure it is.

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That's right. I stole it.

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In fact, Lindsay, tired of wearing last year's fashions...

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went to an upscale department store and in a moment of desperation...

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- applied for a job. - Can I have a job application please?

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But she was ashamed ofbeing a shopgirl...

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and was relieved when Michael gave her the out.

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Well, they expect a certain amount of theft, Michael. It's built into the price.

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If I didn't take it, then people would be overpaying for nothing.

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You're telling me that you walked into a store...

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and without anyone noticing took an entire outfit?

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There's no way that you could do sleight ofhand that well.

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- I don't even think that I could do it. - Yeah, I've seen your tape.

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- Lindsay, this is appalling. - What'd you use for misdirection?

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- Misdirection? - Yeah, I mean, if you're so good at magic...

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what'd you have them looking at to divert their attention?

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I don't know... my ass.

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- My ass. You're lying. - No, I'm not.

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- You're gonna take that back. - No, I'm not.

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This has nothing to do with you. You're not my father.

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No, our father is in prison for stealing, remember?

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- Which might not be a bad place for you to get used to. - Michael...

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- I think I'm going to be okay. - Shoplifting?

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- Cool. Can you take me? - No. Hey, not cool. You know what?

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Maeby, you're gonna come with me to work today. You're gonna be my daughter.

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You're gonna have a role model in your life who is honest...

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who doesn't steal, doesn't lie and, I don't know, watch entertainment news.

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Michael, don't worry about it, okay? She's not gonna go with you.

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- Okay. - Great.

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That was odd.

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I'm going to teach you two a little something about hands-on parenting.

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Hey, Dad!

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Do you think this purse goes with this outfit?

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- Where'd my dad go? - Douche chill.

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And so Michael took his niece to Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

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You can just drop me off at the mall.

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You're gonna learn a little something about hard work.

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Hey, Maeby! Maeby!

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Okay, so you can run faster than me. But you can't make me work.

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No one's making you do anything, you know.

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It's just a chance for us to spend some time together. Learn about business.

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You know, you might find that you're good at things you didn't even know about.

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See that? Who knew you were such a good little climber?

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Now listen, let's make this fun, okay?

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We're family.

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What is better than hanging out with family? Hmm?

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Oh... It's my mother.

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- Hi. - She called you, huh?

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I guess I'm not good enough to be her husband.

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What? What's going on?

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Okay. Mother wants someone to go to my soccer game with.

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She don't want other soccer moms think that she a single mother.

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- She old school. - I liked it better when he just said annyong.

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- She old school. - I liked it better when he just said annyong.

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Hey, Mom, why can't Buster pretend to be your escort?

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- That's the way he's got it in all his cartoons. - They already know he's my son.

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I wouldn't go even if you asked. You didn't let me play soccer as a child.

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Why should I have to sit and cheer Annyong? Annyong never cheers me.

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Go, fatty.

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Stop it! He's your little brother!

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Can you not call me with these little things, please?

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The office is a mess. I still haven't replaced Kitty.

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Michael had recently fired his father's longtime assistant, Kitty.

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Did you hear that everyone? Michael Bluth is threatening me!

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- Shh, shh, shh. - It had not been a clean break.

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So, I've got a lot of work to do. Plus, it's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

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- Oh, where is George Michael? - I told him not to come.

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l-I thought it was more important to bring Maeby this...

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Damn it! Can't you just find somebody else, please, to look like your husband?

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In fact, there was someone else who looked like Lucille's husband...

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- his twin brother, Oscar. - Lucille.

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- And although she knew it was wrong to play with his heart... - Oscar, it's Lucille.

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she really didn't want to go to the soccer game alone.

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I need you.

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And back at the model home...

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three of the Bluth men struggled with their manliness.

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You know, I make jokes about being a daughter for my dad.

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I know I'm a man. It's his insecurity, not mine.

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There's no security at that store. That's how she was able to shoplift.

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They probably don't have a regular security guard.

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Well, of course I could get a job as a security guard.

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I mean, if I have to have a job to impress my daughter.

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If she needs something that butch.

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Yeah. I can hang out with my uncles. Three men. What's butcher than that?

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- I'm going to the mall. - Me too.

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Yeah, maybe a new pair of shoes will cheer me up.

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And now I'm filling out an expense report...

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so I can sleep well at night knowing that I have been honest.

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You're not asleep.

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- I was. - You were not.

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I would like to see if you could go one day without telling a lie.

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just one whole day without being like your mom.

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- What's in it for me if I do? - You'll win my respect.

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- Good night. - And 50 bucks.

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Fine. I'll do it if you do it.

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- That-a-girl. This is gonna be fun. - I win.

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- We're looking for Michael Bluth? - That's me.

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- I'm Michael Bluth. - I'm Officer Taylor. That is Officer Carter.

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Our daughters, Tammy and Moni... Oh, God, where... where did they go?

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- I'm on it. - How can I help you?

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Well, we're here investigating the disappearance of Kitty Sanchez.

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Apparently, you're the last person to see her... alive.

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Or around town or whatever.

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I don't know anything about that. I do know that, uh...

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she was my secretary, uh, but she left.

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Or l-I fired her.

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Did you ever threaten her?

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No, no. God, no. Of course not.

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Michael Bluth is threatening me!

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I did. I threatened her at a restaurant.

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- But, you know... it's a restaurant, so... - Yep.

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Certainly she's been seen since then?

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Not alive.

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Or dead or whatever.

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We'd love to speak with you down at the station.

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Sure. Uh, you know, l-l-I'm happy to cooperate.

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But I really don't know anything more than you know.

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I certainly didn't... didn't kill her and drop her in a back bay.

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- Boy, I hope that's not what happened to her. - I'm sure it isn't.

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Please send Officer Davis and Little Hanna to the back bay.

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So you killed Kitty, huh?

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No, I didn't kill Kitty.

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But I will go down to the station and answer those nice men's questions.

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You know why? Because I have no secrets to hide. Because I'm an honest man.

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And apparently a fun one.

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Let's go see what's going on in the back room.

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Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?

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No. I will not kiss her.

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Hey, hey, guys, what are you doing? It's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

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- Yeah, that's my Caitlin. - Okay.

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There is work to be done. Can we get back to it? Thank you.

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Oh, and has anybody, uh, seen or heard from Kitty lately?

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I think that's her right behind you there.

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- Oh, my God. That is Kitty. - And that's the boat that Uncle Gob blew up.

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Hey, now you have something to tell them at the station.

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Tobias sought out a security position at the nearby mall.

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I do know stage combat if the partner is willing and a bit more petite than I.

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But I have a daughter to impress and I need this job.

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Well, it's gonna be a couple of days before we can get you a gun license...

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so you'll have to use mine.

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Wow!

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Meanwhile, Gob had taken George Michael on a mysterious errand.

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What are we getting? Is it something for a magic trick?

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- In a way. - That's cool.

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You know, it's so great to be hanging out with you.

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There are certain things that I can talk to you about that I can't really with my dad.

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Like, uh, were-were you ever awkward around girls?

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What do you mean? Like if there were three of us and I didn't know where to start?

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No, I think I did pretty well.

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Not a lot of complaints, if you know what I mean.

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At least not from the girl.

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- You're saying I should just be myself? - And he had to drive her home.

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So I think I did pretty good. Pretty damn good.

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- Hey, guy. - Yes, sir?

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How many mice will $13 buy?

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And at the prison, George Sr. had a surprise visit.

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I just wanted to check in and make sure you're aware...

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that your ban on organized sports in this family has been violated.

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Ban on organized sports?

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You know, how you wouldn't let me sign up for anything when I was a kid.

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Is that what you've been thinking all these years? No, no.

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You were... You were just a turd out there, you know?

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You couldn't kick and you couldn't run. You know, you were just a-a turd.

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Prison has destroyed the way you talk.

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If that's what it takes to impress these guys around here, then they are not your friends.

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Anyway, Annyong's playing soccer, but I guess I should just ignore it.

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Look the other way as Mom and Uncle Oscar and Annyong have the perfect little family...

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait. Oscar? My brother Oscar?

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- Oscar's been coming around? - No touching!

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No touching. No touching.

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You listen to me. You've got to take care of this Oscar situation.

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You get him out of there, all right?

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You make him wish that he'd never shown that ludicrous head of hair...

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and that nice face of his.

12:22 - 12:24

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- I will do it, Dad. - Good. Put her there.

12:24 - 12:27

S1E21: 748625

- No touching! - Oh!

12:27 - 12:29

S1E21: 749916

- No touching! - Oh!

12:29 - 12:30

S1E21: 751958

Her self-esteem is through the roof.

12:30 - 12:33

S1E21: 754875

And Michael arrived at the police station with Maeby.

12:33 - 12:36

S1E21: 757333

I got here as quickly as I could.

12:36 - 12:38

S1E21: 759125

- I didn't know you had a daughter? - I don't.

12:38 - 12:40

S1E21: 761083

I thought you wanted me to call you Daddy?

12:40 - 12:42

S1E21: 763916

Why don't you wait for Daddy in the car?

12:42 - 12:45

S1E21: 767500

- All right. What do we have here? - Gob sunk the yacht.

12:45 - 12:49

S1E21: 770750

The last time Kitty was seen, she was getting onto it. It's on tape.

12:49 - 12:52

S1E21: 774000

- Ooh! Did you see this? - Yep.

12:52 - 12:55

S1E21: 778125

Ooh! Chills. Why do I keep getting these bruises?

12:55 - 13:00

S1E21: 781833

- Barry! - Okay. Until we get all the facts...

13:00 - 13:02

S1E21: 784250

don't say anything that can incriminate you.

13:03 - 13:05

S1E21: 786916

Or me. Just try to keep me out of this.

13:05 - 13:08

S1E21: 790125

- Lie. Both of you. - No, what are you talk... We don't lie in this family.

13:08 - 13:11

S1E21: 793541

- Maeby, why don't you get a soda? - Okay.

13:11 - 13:15

S1E21: 797416

If I lie in front of her, it costs me 50 bucks. I do think that we should lie.

13:15 - 13:19

S1E21: 801833

Meanwhile, Lindsay was at work...

13:20 - 13:22

S1E21: 803958

and starting to getjealous that her daughter was at work with Michael.

13:22 - 13:25

S1E21: 807000

Hello, Michael. I know you think I'm such a horrible mother...

13:25 - 13:28

S1E21: 809666

but I was just seeing how my daughter was doing at work.

13:28 - 13:30

S1E21: 813125

Uh, she's, um, she's making lots of friends already.

13:30 - 13:35

S1E21: 816666

- Can you help me there, please? - It was at this moment...

13:35 - 13:37

S1E21: 819416

that Gob and George Michael arrived at the store.

13:38 - 13:40

S1E21: 822375

Say what you will about America... 13 bucks stills gets you a hell of a lot of mice.

13:40 - 13:43

S1E21: 824958

Who said anything bad about America?

13:44 - 13:45

S1E21: 827875

No. Well, I meant... So what are the mice for?

13:46 - 13:49

S1E21: 830583

Oh. No, that's just for misdirection.

13:49 - 13:51

S1E21: 833500

We'll see who the sleight-of-hand artist is in this family.

13:51 - 13:55

S1E21: 836875

Okay, now when I yell "Mice!" I want you to open this box...

13:55 - 13:58

S1E21: 840000

- and I'm gonna start stuffing some shirts down your pants. - Shirts?

13:58 - 14:01

S1E21: 843083

- Gob, are we shoplifting? - Mice!

14:01 - 14:04

S1E21: 845708

Mice! Call security!

14:04 - 14:06

S1E21: 848916

- Michael, I'm not as bad an influence as you think I am. - Well, you're not a great one.

14:06 - 14:10

S1E21: 852000

You're a criminal, Lindsay. What kind of message does that send?

14:11 - 14:12

S1E21: 854416

Bluth. We're ready to question you now.

14:13 - 14:15

S1E21: 856916

That's what I am, Michael. I'm a shoplifter!

14:15 - 14:17

S1E21: 859041

I've got a whole bag of clothes I shoplifted.

14:18 - 14:19

S1E21: 861666

But Tobias was now a guard.

14:20 - 14:23

S1E21: 864333

And a surprisingly catlike one.

14:23 - 14:25

S1E21: 867958

- Wow. I guess we didn't need the mice. - Freeze...

14:25 - 14:30

S1E21: 874583

While the rest of the Bluths were in police custody...

14:33 - 14:35

S1E21: 876791

Lucille was with her brother-in-law.

14:35 - 14:37

S1E21: 880000

I am blown away that you... that you called me and that we're-we're together.

14:37 - 14:42

S1E21: 883625

And my camper made it all the way up here.

14:42 - 14:44

S1E21: 886000

Do you think it's safe over there? Because I only have a hanger for a lock.

14:44 - 14:47

S1E21: 889166

What are they gonna take, the one can of Comet you've got in there?

14:47 - 14:51

S1E21: 893333

Oh, your tongue is as sharp as your body is still taut.

14:51 - 14:55

S1E21: 896666

What are you doing?

14:55 - 14:57

S1E21: 900041

Oscar, this is a children's soccer game, not Woodstock.

14:57 - 15:02

S1E21: 904416

That was another era, huh? The music and the pot.

15:02 - 15:06

S1E21: 908541

Will you excuse me? I need to go to my camper for just a quick sec.

15:06 - 15:10

S1E21: 916583

Open.

15:16 - 15:17

S1E21: 922375

- Hey, Uncle. - Hey, Buster.

15:20 - 15:25

S1E21: 929500

No, no, no.

15:28 - 15:30

S1E21: 932958

- No, no, no. - No, no, no.

15:30 - 15:33

S1E21: 935333

No! No! No! I came here to say something.

15:33 - 15:37

S1E21: 938791

You do not belong here. My mother's been spoken for.

15:37 - 15:40

S1E21: 940958

You know, I may never have played organized sports, but I am a man.

15:40 - 15:45

S1E21: 947333

- Buster. - And I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

15:45 - 15:48

S1E21: 951583

Okay. But, uh, I never meant to break up your family.

15:50 - 15:53

S1E21: 956291

Your mom called me for a reason. And I don't think she's happy.

15:53 - 15:57

S1E21: 959458

No, she's happy. She's just mean all the time.

15:57 - 16:01

S1E21: 968041

Uh, no, no, no, Uncle, let me get you. I'm a man. Move.

16:06 - 16:09

S1E21: 974583

Michael submitted to the detective's questions.

16:13 - 16:16

S1E21: 977583

You haven't seen any evidence of Ms. Sanchez or where she might have gone?

16:16 - 16:18

S1E21: 980541

I have, uh, no idea. None.

16:19 - 16:21

S1E21: 983375

Are you willing to take a polygraph to that effect?

16:22 - 16:24

S1E21: 989125

- Are you nuts? - Not without a better lawyer.

16:27 - 16:31

S1E21: 992541

You're holding out on us!

16:31 - 16:33

S1E21: 994875

Fantastic. Now Emma's awake.

16:33 - 16:35

S1E21: 997791

- You know what? Let me take care of this. - Please.

16:35 - 16:39

S1E21: 1005375

Kitty had evidence against your father, and you didn't want that to come out.

16:43 - 16:47

S1E21: 1008458

But now you've got bigger problems, my friend. So why don't we make a deal?

16:47 - 16:49

S1E21: 1011458

I give you evidence against my father, and you pretend that I didn't kill Kitty?

16:49 - 16:53

S1E21: 1014250

I mean, l-I didn't kill Kitty.

16:53 - 16:55

S1E21: 1019125

Hello. Oh, hey, George Michael.

16:57 - 17:00

S1E21: 1022000

Uh, I'm sorry. In your pants?

17:00 - 17:03

S1E21: 1025958

I'll be right there. Um, my son has an emergency.

17:03 - 17:08

S1E21: 1030375

You know, there's a Grover book... I Can't Hold It In.

17:08 - 17:12

S1E21: 1033750

Worked for us.

17:12 - 17:15

S1E21: 1037708

Buster emerged from Oscar's trailer with a newfound sense of manliness...

17:15 - 17:19

S1E21: 1041416

and then received a serendipitous gift.

17:20 - 17:22

S1E21: 1045916

Kick it back!

17:24 - 17:27

S1E21: 1049666

- If you can kick, fatty. - I'm a man.

17:27 - 17:31

S1E21: 1061750

What are you doing? Get off the field!

17:40 - 17:43

S1E21: 1064666

Are you crazy?

17:43 - 17:45

S1E21: 1084125

And Buster realized he may havejust scared away a man...

18:02 - 18:05

S1E21: 1087791

who supported him in the way he'd always hoped his own father would.

18:05 - 18:09

S1E21: 1098666

And Michael headed over to the mall.

18:17 - 18:19

S1E21: 1101416

- So what the hell is this? - Hey, Dad, I didn't know we were shoplifting, okay?

18:19 - 18:23

S1E21: 1104666

Shoplifting? What's the matter with you, Gob?

18:23 - 18:25

S1E21: 1107208

What's the matter with me? She's the shoplifter!

18:26 - 18:28

S1E21: 1109791

- I wasn't shoplifting, you twit. - Yes, thanks to me.

18:28 - 18:31

S1E21: 1112500

No. I work here.

18:31 - 18:33

S1E21: 1115750

At least I used to. They fired me because they thought I was helping this idiot shoplift.

18:33 - 18:37

S1E21: 1119083

Also, they said I wasn't a very good salesgirl.

18:37 - 18:40

S1E21: 1122125

You can't be serious?

18:40 - 18:43

S1E21: 1124708

A salesgirl.

18:43 - 18:45

S1E21: 1127041

I knew it! I knew you couldn't pull it off.

18:45 - 18:48

S1E21: 1129666

There's only one magician in this family and that is me.

18:48 - 18:51

S1E21: 1132708

And you got caught by a 13-year-old girl.

18:51 - 18:54

S1E21: 1135875

You know, this is why I'm constantly asking you to stay away from my son.

18:54 - 18:57

S1E21: 1138416

Yeah, well, it's not like you were there to spend any time with me, Dad.

18:57 - 18:59

S1E21: 1140541

Because I'm not daughter enough for you.

18:59 - 19:01

S1E21: 1143916

George Michael, um, I'm always there for you, okay?

19:01 - 19:06

S1E21: 1147791

It's just you're getting a little too manly for Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

19:06 - 19:09

S1E21: 1151791

- Dad, that's what makes it funny. - I also wanted to give Maeby a good role model for a change.

19:09 - 19:14

S1E21: 1156041

Yeah, well, I guess, you looking out for her is probably something she could use.

19:14 - 19:18

S1E21: 1158916

Where is Maeby?

19:18 - 19:20

S1E21: 1161625

Michael realized he had to get to the police station...

19:20 - 19:22

S1E21: 1165083

before they got ahold of Maeby, to whom he'd promised $50 to tell the truth.

19:23 - 19:27

S1E21: 1168291

I've put a bounty on my own head.

19:27 - 19:29

S1E21: 1171500

But Maeby's instincts to lie returned.

19:29 - 19:33

S1E21: 1174541

Hey, you can't go in there.

19:33 - 19:35

S1E21: 1176916

No, it's okay. I'm Detective Fellows's daughter.

19:35 - 19:38

S1E21: 1180416

Oh. Oh, sorry. It's four-three-five. And that opens any door in the building.

19:38 - 19:42

S1E21: 1183625

Great. Thanks.

19:42 - 19:44

S1E21: 1192250

And it was there that Maeby discovered the key to Michael's freedom.

19:50 - 19:54

S1E21: 1195333

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

19:54 - 19:56

S1E21: 1197458

Maeby. What-What-What'd she say?

19:56 - 19:58

S1E21: 1200000

I said there's a tape of Kitty getting on the boat and that you guys blew it up.

19:58 - 20:01

S1E21: 1202916

I told them the truth, like you told me.

20:01 - 20:04

S1E21: 1205333

That-a-girl.

20:04 - 20:06

S1E21: 1208125

That's right. That's, uh, that's the truth. That's everything that we know.

20:06 - 20:09

S1E21: 1212416

You're free to go.

20:11 - 20:13

S1E21: 1217416

Great. Here we go.

20:16 - 20:18

S1E21: 1223666

- What the hell just happened? - Relax. They got nothing on you.

20:22 - 20:25

S1E21: 1226791

They're bluffing. Kitty's alive. I just saw her in the back room.

20:25 - 20:28

S1E21: 1229625

They just wanted to get you scared, so you'd testify against Pop-Pop.

20:28 - 20:31

S1E21: 1233375

Unbelievable. Oh, that's great.

20:32 - 20:34

S1E21: 1235750

You just told them the truth; they let us walk.

20:34 - 20:37

S1E21: 1239000

- I guess I owe you 50 bucks, huh? - Yeah. I'd save your money.

20:37 - 20:40

S1E21: 1242000

Kitty's got a lot of evidence, and she thinks that you tried to kill her.

20:40 - 20:43

S1E21: 1244916

So you're probably going to need a better attorney.

20:43 - 20:46

S1E21: 1250375

Lo siento.

20:48 - 20:51

S1E21: 1253458

I hate Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

20:51 - 20:55

S1E21: 1256708

On the next Arrested Development.

20:55 - 20:58

S1E21: 1260500

Tobias loses his securityjob trying to solve the store's mice problem.

20:58 - 21:02

S1E21: 1265625

Lindsay, now without a job, goes with her initial instinct.

21:02 - 21:08

S1E21: 1269375

Mom, we're gonna be late for practice!

21:08 - 21:10

S1E21: 1271875

- And Annyong exacts his revenge. - Where is everybody?

21:10 - 21:13

S1E21: 1274416

Heads up, fatty!

21:13 - 21:15