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Episode 1x16 - "Altar Egos"

Director: Jay Chandrasekhar

S1E16: 3250

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything...

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and the one son who had no choice...

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but to keep them all together.

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The local colleges are on spring break...

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and things are heating up in Newport Beach.

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George Michael was off from school for two weeks...

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and was enjoying spending time with his uncle.

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I'm intercepting some telepathic energy...

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that's telling me it's the eight of diamonds.

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That's amazingly close.

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Gee, I got it wrong. Well.

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I guess you won the shirt off my back.

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- Okay, that's amazing. - It's the queen of diamonds.

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No, no, no. I had... But if that had been the actual card...

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I'm pretty sure I'd be almost too blown away.

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You know, it's a new trick, so I'm still kind of tweaking my nipples...

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- The presentation was great. - Hey. Whoa!

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What's going on here, huh? George Michael, you should get to school.

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No, we're off for two weeks. Gob's teaching me some new tricks.

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Spring break! It's my favorite holiday.

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Nothing gets me more excited.

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I can see that. You might wanna button that shirt up.

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No, I'm good. Anyway, listen, Michael.

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I need the yacht.

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I kind of made a commitment.

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One year earlier, Gob had appeared...

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on a youth-oriented music network...

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Newport Beach."

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Now that I've gotten your attention...

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I'd like to announce that one year from today...

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I shall make that beautiful yacht disappear.

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Wow. He's amazing.

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He hasn't done it, and you're holding a four of spades in your hand.

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I don't care. I'm loving the ride, you know?

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- How are you gonna do it? - Well, you've got two weeks off.

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Maybe we'll meet a couple young coeds along the way.

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- How young is too young for you? - That's not gonna happen, okay?

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There's not gonna be any coeds. There certainly isn't gonna be any magic.

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It is a path to a lonely life where people mock you.

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- And you don't even realize it. - Michael, I'm a magi...

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I see what you did.

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You're not dressed yet? I thought you were working for me today at the office.

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You guys stay open during spring break?

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We're not Orthodox. But don't worry about it.

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Kitty's coming back, and it's just in time.

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Although she's caused nothing but problems since she's worked for me.

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Kitty, isn't that your phone?

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No, I'm on the phone with your dad. That one's your line.

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Kitty, these are not the files I asked for.

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Oh, then I don't know what I shredded.

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Have you had a chance to type up that report yet?

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- No, I have been Googling your father. - So I've heard.

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She's been out for two weeks with this chest thing...

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but she's had no problems cashing the checks I've been sending her.

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Speaking of which, have we gotten anything from Nana?

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Buster got a perforated heart and Gob got that receding hairline...

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but you and I pretty much dodged the bullet.

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No, I meant in the mail. She usually sends checks for Maeby's birthday.

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There's been cash coming in? Have you been holding out on me?

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No. No, I've been investing it.

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- Better at spending it. - Okay, I tell you what.

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I'll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60/40.

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- 55/55. - Deal.

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Sounds like you guys are getting more than you think.

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We should go now before your dad gets back.

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- No need going halfsies with him too. - Right.

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In fact, Tobias had gone to prison...

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to research the role of Frightened Inmate #2 for a film.

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This came at a bad time for George Sr...

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I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.

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But didn't you come here to research the nature of fear?

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I can't think of a better teacher than White Power Bill.

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He's like a master's course unto himself.

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So you think I'm a coward.

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There's only one man I've ever called "coward".

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That's Brian Doyle-Murray.

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No.

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What I'm calling you...

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is a television actor.

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Ouch.

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And so, Tobias remained in prison...

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as Lindsay and Maeby arrived at Nana's.

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Remember, she's a very old woman.

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We're going to get in, get the cash and get out.

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Is this who I think it is?

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Nana!

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Unfortunately, the woman who now lived there was not their Nana.

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A fact that took Lindsay and Maeby an hour and a half to ascertain.

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Go! Go! It's not her! Drop the photo album!

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- We're not in the photo album! - Drop the pie!

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And Michael arrived at work to find Kitty.

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Hey, Kitty, how are you feeling?

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Much better. Man, I was really stuffed up there!

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Up here, Michael. Up here.

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Why'd you have to get sick now? What was the rush?

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In fact, it was the previous year's spring break...

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that was responsible for Kitty's rush...

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when the makers of the popular video series...

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Girls With Low Self-Esteem, chose not to include her.

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Okay, we got all the good stuffhere.

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Let's just say I'm looking forward to a more successful spring break.

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- "Break"? You were just out. - That was my sick leave.

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- This is vacation. - No, you're not going on vacation.

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Oh, yes, I absolutely am!

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If you need me, I will be at Senor Tadpoles...

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- having a margarita made in my mouth. - No, no. Hey.

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Kitty, there will be no margarita in your mouth.

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Oh, yes, there absolutely will be a margarita in my mouth!

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Spring break!

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- Up here, Michael. Up here. - Put the shirt back down and keep on moving.

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You're fired.

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I work for your father. You don't have the hiring and firing power.

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I absolutely do, and you're fired.

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I don't think your father is gonna be very happy about this.

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But take a good look, 'cause it's the last time!

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That's the seventh nipple I've seen today.

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And Michael was called to the prison.

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What are you doing firing Kitty? You can't fire Kitty.

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- First of all, you don't have hiring and firing power. - I do.

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- And I had to. She's crazy. - That's why you don't fire her.

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You don't fire crazy. You never fire crazy.

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Dad, she's incompetent. She's completely unprofessional.

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Look, she just came back from sick leave, uh, with these...

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Oh, my God, you paid for those, didn't you?

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You got carried away. Hell, I've been so corrupted by my power...

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that I even enjoyed firing my own twin brother.

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You should have seen his face when he was begging me not to.

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Well, he's my twin brother. I can show you.

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It was funny. But, you know...

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Kitty had access to all kinds of information.

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God knows what she poked her nose into.

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There's enough evidence on this boat to put me away.

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The only real thing I have...

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Oh, God, there's nothing to hold on to down there.

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- You're like a boy. - What's wrong with you?

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All these books are cooked!

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- I'm sorry. I gotta do my job. - And I gotta get out of prison.

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Next time someone threatens me, I may not have a son-in-law to offer.

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I can't come in here all the t... "Offer"?

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I may not have a son-in-law to offer me counseling.

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You know, he should have stayed a shrink. He's very gifted, you know.

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In fact, Tobias had even produced a videotape...

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but its brief success was due to its misleading name.

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Once this was discovered, all but 10 of the videos were returned.

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Hire Kitty back, okay? For the company. No, no.

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For me, Michael.

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- It is kind of a funny face. - Oh, come on, now.

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There's just absolutely no purse that will go with this outfit.

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You've got a little pocket there, Annyong.

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Annyong.

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That's not getting old.

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- Where's Nana? - I sent her on a wonderful cruise.

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You just missed a wonderful call from her.

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She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw.

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She gained 10 pounds... there's so much food on that boat.

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She's up to 74!

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It's wonderful, just wonderful.

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In fact, Lucille's mother had been dead for six months.

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She tried pesto for the first time.

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Can you believe that?

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Ninety-two years old, and she never tried pesto.

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Lucille feared that the family would come after the inheritance if they found out.

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Was she on the phone, Annyong?

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Annyong.

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Emery board.

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Isn't he great? And he goes with everything.

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Meanwhile, Gob was adjusting to a new companion ofhis own.

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That's not the end of the trick. There's a big surprise coming.

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Take your T-shirt off, please.

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What? Oh, you changed the trick. It's a different trick.

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If I roll up this T-shirt, put it in this hat...

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Gob! Hey, George Michael.

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Hang on. We're in the middle of something.

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If you'll be so kind as to expose your breast, please.

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No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, what the hell are you doing?

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Dad, it's misdirection. You're supposed to keep your eye on the shirt in the hat.

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Get downstairs right now. Come on.

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- Buddy, what are you doing here? - I'm dying to see how he makes this yacht disappear.

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He's not going to make the yacht disappear. I told him that.

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It's driving me crazy. It's like a mind puzzle, an awesome mind puzzle.

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Michael looked at his son and saw...

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that he truly was inspired by his uncle...

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that perhaps the boy actually admired him.

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I gotta get you out of here. You're gonna come work with me at the office.

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Go wait in the stair car.

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Hey, I want you to explain something to me. I'm out looking for Kitty...

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and I find my son in the middle of a Girls With Low Self-Esteem video.

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Don't worry. He's gonna be covered with a blue dot. He approached me.

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And as for Kitty, I think you're crazy to have fired her.

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Who knows what kind of information she has?

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He's my brother, and he's never even said "Good job."

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I just want him to love me, you know?

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Wow, you get really girlie after, huh?

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Yeah, she definitely knows way too much. Well, go get her. It's the holidays.

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- I'm sure she's down at Senor Tadpoles. - Right.

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Having a cocktail made in her mouth. All right.

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I'm gonna go take care of that. In the meantime, stay away from my son.

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Wow, Michael, I'm really hurt.

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It's family. What's more important than family, Michael?

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- This yacht? - Of course not, Gob.

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You'd make the deal? Because I'd sign off on that right now.

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I stay away from your son,: you let me use the yacht.

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The holidays really brings out the best in you.

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Well...

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Meanwhile, Tobias found his experience as a therapist...

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was helping him deal with his new cell mate.

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Yes, but where does the hate come from, Bill?

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- What causes it? - TheJews, I guess.

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Sure. But I think you need to look deeper.

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I think these are issues of self-esteem.

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I know what it's like. I know how it feels...

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who doesn't respect you.

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"Anyhoo," we have very little time...

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before this, uh, 4:00 pounding you promised me.

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that I think you hate White Power Bill.

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- I hate you! - You hate White Power Bill.

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- I hate the government! - You hate White Power Bill.

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I hate my father! - Recreation. All prisoners, one hour.

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Go get 'em.

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I hate White Power Bill.

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I got a prisoner down! Prisoner down!

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- You killed him. - Well, l...

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Like Dorothy. The Wicked Witch is dead.

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All hail Dorothy!

11:45 - 11:48

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And at an elegant restaurant, Michael asked Kitty to come back.

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Who are you asking back, Michael? Me? Or these?

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I want you all back. I want the whole gang. Okay? Please, Kitty?

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I'm trying real hard here, you know.

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Can we just make believe that none of this ever happened and just start fresh?

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Michael, of course I'll come back.

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'Cause I never really left...

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because we both know that you can't fire people.

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No, I did fire you, and now I'm hiring you back.

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You don't have authority over me.

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- They don't have nachos here. - You know what? Why don't we forget it?

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Because I've been trying to be very, very generous to you...

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and you don't respect me, so I'm firing you, okay?

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- You are fired. - All right, Michael.

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But I know where things are and you don't...

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and you are asking for a whole world of trouble.

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If you're threatening me, you're gonna be very sorry.

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- Are you threatening me? - Yeah, that's a threat. I'm threatening you.

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Did you hear that everyone? Michael Bluth is threatening me!

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I've gotta get out of here. I'm a part of the story.

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I can't be a part of the story. I can't be a part of the story.

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Say good-bye to your company, Michael.

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- And say good-bye to these. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

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'Cause it's the last time.

12:59 - 13:01

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A woman shows all during a fracas at a local restaurant, sources say.

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George Michael was working harder than ever over his spring break...

13:13 - 13:16

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filling in for the now twice-fired Kitty.

13:17 - 13:19

S1E16: 800708

Look at us working together. You get the hang of this...

13:19 - 13:22

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and this could be your summer.

13:22 - 13:24

S1E16: 805625

I don't know, Dad. I really wanted to see Gob's magic show and...

13:24 - 13:26

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No, you don't. Isn't this much more fun, working with your Dad?

13:26 - 13:30

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- It's just, there was some other... - You gonna get that?

13:30 - 13:32

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- Thanks, Laura. - Good afternoon. Bluth Company.

13:34 - 13:36

S1E16: 819625

Talk you off? Talk you off what, Pop-Pop?

13:36 - 13:40

S1E16: 822708

George Michael. I thought you were, um...

13:41 - 13:44

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When's that voice gonna drop? Where's Kitty?

13:44 - 13:47

S1E16: 829250

I think Dad fired her again. He wants to talk to you.

13:47 - 13:50

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I don't wanna talk to him. I made my decision, and that's that.

13:50 - 13:54

S1E16: 836208

Oh, you heard? Yeah. All right.

13:54 - 13:58

S1E16: 844625

- What did he say? - If I clean it up, it's not really a sentence.

14:01 - 14:05

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And so, George Sr. made another call.

14:05 - 14:08

S1E16: 850541

Kitty's on the loose. I need you to make something disappear for me.

14:08 - 14:12

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just some books in that cooler marked "Maddas."

14:12 - 14:15

S1E16: 856958

- Great. - George Sr. hung up...

14:15 - 14:18

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confident that his problems would finally be taken care of.

14:18 - 14:21

S1E16: 862333

Hey, LittleJustice.

14:21 - 14:23

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You, uh, painted your shoes red.

14:23 - 14:26

S1E16: 868791

Call me the Tin Man. I'm a Friend of Dorothy's now.

14:26 - 14:29

S1E16: 871500

- And she wants to see you. - And back at the office...

14:29 - 14:33

S1E16: 875208

Lindsay arrived with her daughter and her mounting suspicions.

14:33 - 14:37

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Mom says she sent Nana on a cruise.

14:37 - 14:39

S1E16: 881000

You're still on this? How much was in those birthday cards?

14:40 - 14:41

S1E16: 883333

It's not about the money, Michael. It's about Nana.

14:42 - 14:44

S1E16: 886250

I think Mom sent her to a nursing home...

14:44 - 14:46

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some gray, windowless room... against her will.

14:46 - 14:49

S1E16: 891500

- So what was it like out there today? - Nice. Sunny.

14:49 - 14:53

S1E16: 894291

Wow.

14:53 - 14:55

S1E16: 896916

So, how do you think Gob's gonna make this yacht disappear?

14:55 - 14:57

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Well, I'll be working here, so I guess I'll never know.

14:57 - 15:00

S1E16: 901708

The only real way to find out how it's done...

15:00 - 15:02

S1E16: 903833

is to sneak on the boat while he does it.

15:02 - 15:04

S1E16: 906791

But if he makes it disappear, won't everyone see me standing there?

15:04 - 15:07

S1E16: 912208

Let's just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was.

15:07 - 15:13

S1E16: 916458

Anyways, if it was me, that's what I would do.

15:15 - 15:17

S1E16: 918250

I wanna check out Mom's financial activity.

15:17 - 15:19

S1E16: 920916

Call her banks, maybe run a hospital search.

15:19 - 15:21

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It's gonna mean a lot of hard work, but I'll put somebody on it.

15:22 - 15:24

S1E16: 925750

George Michael.

15:24 - 15:27

S1E16: 928458

Where is George Michael?

15:27 - 15:29

S1E16: 930708

In fact, at Maeby's suggestion...

15:29 - 15:31

S1E16: 933083

George Michael was off to visit his Uncle Gob.

15:31 - 15:34

S1E16: 935458

Hi, Uncle Gob. I came by to see...

15:34 - 15:36

S1E16: 937541

if you need any help with your magic show.

15:36 - 15:38

S1E16: 940291

- Great. - I think it's so great that you're doing this.

15:38 - 15:41

S1E16: 943791

- I'm prepping right now. - How'd you get my Dad's permission?

15:42 - 15:45

S1E16: 946541

Suddenly, Gob remembered the promise he had made...

15:45 - 15:47

S1E16: 948500

to stay away from Michael's son.

15:47 - 15:49

S1E16: 950833

None of your damn business. Get the hell out of here.

15:49 - 15:52

S1E16: 953166

- What? - You don't have the magic in you!

15:52 - 15:54

S1E16: 955208

You never did! You don't have it here!

15:54 - 15:56

S1E16: 959416

So take a look. It's the last time you're gonna see these.

15:57 - 16:00

S1E16: 964375

- Sorry, kid, more than you'll ever... - What?

16:03 - 16:05

S1E16: 967875

Beat it! - As Gob was forced to send away someone he loved...

16:05 - 16:10

S1E16: 971583

- You'll be missed. - George Sr. was forced to visit...

16:10 - 16:12

S1E16: 974875

someone he had once tried to shove out of a moving car.

16:13 - 16:16

S1E16: 979583

- Welcome. - You're Dorothy?

16:18 - 16:20

S1E16: 982625

I thought the two of us could talk, man-on-man.

16:21 - 16:24

S1E16: 986958

I'm afraid I'm serious.

16:25 - 16:28

S1E16: 989541

I bought you.

16:28 - 16:30

S1E16: 993708

- Remember to let it steep for five minutes. - Oh, dear God.

16:32 - 16:35

S1E16: 996166

I've been in this family for 16 years...

16:35 - 16:37

S1E16: 998458

and I don't think we've ever had a conversation.

16:37 - 16:39

S1E16: 1000458

- I'm not gonna discuss this. - You hate me.

16:39 - 16:41

S1E16: 1003250

Yeah, I do hate you. You took my daughter...

16:42 - 16:44

S1E16: 1005958

my precious little girl... and moved her away...

16:44 - 16:47

S1E16: 1008916

and now I'm here, and I am afraid I will never get her back.

16:47 - 16:50

S1E16: 1012250

Afraid. You're afraid.

16:50 - 16:53

S1E16: 1014791

Fear has turned into hate.

16:53 - 16:55

S1E16: 1017541

So Frightened Inmate #2 isn't frightened at all.

16:55 - 16:59

S1E16: 1021416

He's angry. He's a crabby old coot...

16:59 - 17:03

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just like everyone.

17:05 - 17:07

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Get your... hands off of me.

17:07 - 17:09

S1E16: 1031708

Shh. Don't be scared.

17:10 - 17:12

S1E16: 1041958

And on the beach, the show was beginning.

17:20 - 17:23

S1E16: 1052083

Any magician can make the queen of diamonds disappear...

17:29 - 17:34

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but what about a whole boat?

17:34 - 17:37

S1E16: 1082916

Mom, have you seen George Michael?

18:01 - 18:04

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We just got here. I couldn't find my keys.

18:04 - 18:07

S1E16: 1088250

- I can never find anything in here. - We love you!

18:07 - 18:09

S1E16: 1093125

Where once there was a yacht, now there is naught!

18:10 - 18:15

S1E16: 1108833

- All right. So how'd you do it? - Michael, a magician never reveals his...

18:26 - 18:31

S1E16: 1112333

I sunk it! I sunk the yacht!

18:31 - 18:33

S1E16: 1115541

At least I think I sunk it. I mean, I blew it up, and I don't see it anywhere.

18:33 - 18:37

S1E16: 1118791

My heart was in my throat when that curtain came down and...

18:37 - 18:40

S1E16: 1120625

- You sank the yacht? - Shh!

18:40 - 18:41

S1E16: 1121500

- You sank the yacht? - Shh!

18:41 - 18:42

S1E16: 1123916

- You sunk a $700,000 yacht? - $900,000 worth of insurance on it.

18:42 - 18:45

S1E16: 1127541

And got rid of the evidence. How about a "good job"?

18:45 - 18:49

S1E16: 1131125

Seeing a window of opportunity, Lucille made a startling announcement.

18:49 - 18:52

S1E16: 1134208

- Nana was on that yacht! - What?

18:52 - 18:55

S1E16: 1136875

- You killed Nana! - She's lying!

18:55 - 18:58

S1E16: 1139333

Nana wasn't on that yacht. She's fine.

18:58 - 19:00

S1E16: 1141916

She's been dead for six months. - Lindsay had learned this information...

19:00 - 19:03

S1E16: 1144750

- For about six months. - when she spoke to the family's personal banker.

19:03 - 19:06

S1E16: 1147458

Later, fearing that Lindsay was onto her...

19:06 - 19:08

S1E16: 1149750

Lucille went to the bank herself.

19:08 - 19:10

S1E16: 1152583

There must be somewhere I can put this money where it can't be touched.

19:10 - 19:14

S1E16: 1155083

I suppose you could keep it in your purse.

19:14 - 19:16

S1E16: 1158166

Very funny, but I'm not carrying a purse.

19:16 - 19:19

S1E16: 1160625

Where's the money, Mom? I want the money.

19:19 - 19:21

S1E16: 1163583

You can't have it. It's in a trust fund for Annyong.

19:21 - 19:25

S1E16: 1166333

- Annyong. - No one can touch it but me...

19:25 - 19:27

S1E16: 1168583

and I retain control of it until he's 18.

19:27 - 19:30

S1E16: 1171250

I don't know what's more offensive... the fact you didn't tell us...

19:30 - 19:32

S1E16: 1174500

about our grandmother's death or that you sunk a $ 700,000 yacht!

19:32 - 19:36

S1E16: 1178083

Stop lecturing me. I just lost my mother.

19:36 - 19:39

S1E16: 1180708

I'm so glad George Michael wasn't here to see any of this.

19:39 - 19:41

S1E16: 1183125

Maeby, where is George Michael?

19:41 - 19:44

S1E16: 1186875

Um, well, if he's not here, I'd just have to say he's probably on the yacht.

19:44 - 19:49

S1E16: 1190291

On the yacht?

19:49 - 19:51

S1E16: 1192541

In fact, George Michael had boarded the yacht.

19:51 - 19:53

S1E16: 1195708

But when he saw the evidence of Gob's lifestyle...

19:53 - 19:57

S1E16: 1199166

he realized that this perhaps was not the life he wanted.

19:57 - 20:00

S1E16: 1202125

While Kitty went in search of retribution...

20:00 - 20:03

S1E16: 1204750

in the form of the files in the cooler.

20:03 - 20:06

S1E16: 1207791

George Michael's a good kid. I'm sure he's at the office.

20:06 - 20:09

S1E16: 1210458

Right. I told him to stay away from you.

20:09 - 20:11

S1E16: 1213291

- I told you to stay away from him! - I tried. I told him to get out.

20:11 - 20:15

S1E16: 1216166

Bluth Company. George Michael speaking, not Kitty.

20:15 - 20:17

S1E16: 1218708

- Thank God you're there. - I don't need a real spring break.

20:17 - 20:20

S1E16: 1222666

I really think I am much better off here alone in this office.

20:20 - 20:24

S1E16: 1225875

Michael realized what he had done to his son...

20:24 - 20:27

S1E16: 1228666

so he came up with a solution.

20:27 - 20:29

S1E16: 1230875

- You're fired. - Really?

20:29 - 20:31

S1E16: 1233291

Can you fire people?

20:32 - 20:34

S1E16: 1235500

Yeah. Go have a spring break.

20:34 - 20:36

S1E16: 1237541

Thanks, Dad.

20:36 - 20:38

S1E16: 1239958

Are you sure you're gonna be okay without Kitty?

20:39 - 20:40

S1E16: 1242125

Don't you worry. She'll turn up.

20:40 - 20:43

S1E16: 1252125

On the next Arrested Development.

20:50 - 20:53

S1E16: 1255000

Lupe makes a startling discovery.

20:53 - 20:56

S1E16: 1259125

Oh, so that makes Annyong 18.

20:56 - 21:00

S1E16: 1261750

And Michael finds himself in the middle of the search...

21:00 - 21:02

S1E16: 1263833

for a missing Kitty.

21:03 - 21:05

S1E16: 1267541

that you threatened Kitty the last time she was seen.

21:06 - 21:08

S1E16: 1269875

How does anybody even remember this?

21:08 - 21:11

S1E16: 1273375

- She showed her knobs in the steakhouse, sir. - She...

21:11 - 21:15