Episode 1x14 - "Shock and Aww"
Director: Joe Russo
Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything...
00:01 - 00:04
and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
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It's Arrested Development.
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Michael was sharing his bed for the first time in years.
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Unfortunately, it was with his younger brother, Buster.
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Buster. Buster.
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Hey-Hey. Whoa, whoa. Buster!
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Hey, Brother.
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I don't think us sleeping together is working out.
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- Yeah, I miss Mom. - I can tell.
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- Hey, good morning. What are you doing? - It's my ethics essay.
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I'm supposed to write 200 words on the morality of war...
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whether a preemptive strike is ever justified.
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Absolutely. It's preemptive, you know, happens before something else. So...
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if you can predict aggression and you wanna squash it...
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I don't know why you're not typing? This is all good.
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I'm not sure if my ethics teacher would love if I cheated on my essay.
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Well, you just passed my ethics test.
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In fact, George Michael had developed a hopeless crush...
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on his ethics teacher, a woman named Beth Baerly.
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Even minor crimes are punishable...
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by brutally chopping off the offender's hand.
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Mmm. No ring.
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- Can't wait to meet her at Parent-Teacher Night. - Oh yeah. Dad, hey, Dad...
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- try to remember everything she says about me, all right? - Okay.
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Michael.
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I need you to do something about my son.
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I totally agree, Mom. Buster goes home, we flip the mattress...
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- this never happened. - Not Buster. Read this.
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The S.E.C. was onto us.
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Your father thought it would make us look charitable.
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He must have forged my signature.
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Well, maybe I'll get a son who will...
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finish his cottage cheese!
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You've got to get me out of this.
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I'll call Social Services, but you must take Buster back.
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- Okay. - Great.
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But I'm not taking care of him either.
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I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore.
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Yeah, that udder's been dry for a while now, hasn't it?
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Kind of?
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- Hello. - Michael.
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I've got a couple of girls here.
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A couple of fun girls...
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- I thought I'd bring you in on. - Oh, I don't know, Gob.
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Come on, Michael. So we had a little disagreement.
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Recently, Gob had discovered that Michael...
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was interested in his now ex-girlfriend, Marta.
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I'm offering you an olive branch here.
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Yeah-Yeah. No. l-I know, and l-I appreciate that. It's just...
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Besides, when was the last time you slept with someone?
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- Buster. - What time and where?
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Meanwhile, Lindsay was helping George Michael with his homework.
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- Oh, come on, let's do something. It's just a stupid essay. - No, I can't.
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I don't want to let down Ms. Baerly. She's nice, you know.
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- And she's interesting... - And pretty?
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Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this.
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I guess there's just some things you can't really say to your dad.
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Ah. Sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.
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Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father...
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so he could fill the role ofhis mother.
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There's nothing wrong with that.
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Although, I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
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- You're my aunt. - That doesn't matter.
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Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role.
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And, someday, you're gonna find the right woman to fill that role.
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But until then, I'll be right across the hall.
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Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
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Yikes. - Meanwhile, Gob was waiting for Michael to show up.
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- Oh, there he is. Michael. - Yes.
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This is Shannon, the girl I've been telling you all about.
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Yes. Girl, indeed... young girl.
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- That's a young, young, young, girl. - Yeah, well, she's 18.
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So, it's like... Oh, and this is...
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- your date, Nazh... - galia.
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- Hello, my God! - Well, Shannon wouldn't go out without a chaperone...
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- Right. - and so she's your date.
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It was clear that Gob wasn't offering an olive branch at all...
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and, in fact, was still harboring some resentment over Marta.
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Oh... "Nagarma," you've got a mustache. - Hey!
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- I mean, you've got milk on your mustache. - Oh.
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- I mean, you've got a milk mustache. - Yeah.
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It's adorable. You look like one of those "Got Milk" models.
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But Gob mistook Michael's basic human decency for romantic interest...
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and felt a competitive urge to step in.
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Because, you know, it's beyond adorable... and e-exotic.
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- I find you very attractive. - Really?
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And George Sr. was about to get a surprise visitor.
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Mr. Bluth? I'm Cindi Lightballoon.
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I've studied all your teachings, and I've purchased every tape.
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And I watch 'em over and over.
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George Sr. had recently marketed a line of self-help tapes...
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touting his newly discovered spirituality.
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I've also lost four pounds on your low-carb Bluth Banana Jail Bars.
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I've come to learn at your feet.
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That's a good place to start.
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And Michael, free ofhis double date, met Lindsay at Parent-Teacher Night.
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Hey, Linds, is it my imagination...
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or does this rape room have the same floor plan as our kitchen?
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Did you meet Ms. Baerly yet, the ethics teacher? 'Cause I just did.
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No, not yet. Look, these are our cabinets.
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Yeah. Well, I think she's perfect for you.
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- For me? Really? - Mm-hmm.
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Thanks, but no. I've already been set up once today by a sibling...
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and I don't think you people know my type.
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Hey, look. It's not coming from me. It's-It's George Michael.
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He told me. I think he wants a mother.
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Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother.
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You'd think that would turn him off to the entire concept.
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Besides, I'm not gonna rush out and marry somebody just because you think my son would like it.
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Welcome. I'm Ms. Baerly, the ethics teacher.
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My goal is to teach your children about the preciousness oflife...
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that can be lost by the mindless pulling of a trigger.
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Mmm. No ring.
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And so Michael got to know his son's ethics teacher.
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Ethics... right and wrong.
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How can one thing can be right and another one be wrong?
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I mean, which is which, you know?
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I guess that's the "Rrrr" of it.
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You know, so frustrating.
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I don't know. I mean, they just threw this class at me after Mr. Daniels had a stroke.
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I had him, Mr. Daniels. How is he?
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- Oh, he, you know, had a stroke. - Oh.
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- Thought you were joking. - No, I was just laughing 'cause you were laughing.
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- Right. No. Yeah. Gosh. Hmm. - Yeah.
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- "Rrrr!" - "Rrrr!"
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- But, you know, l-l... I really am antiwar and antiviolence. - Uh-huh.
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- And I think I'm an ethical person. - Right.
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Here's an ethical question.
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Can-Can a parent take a teacher out for a drink? Or...
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I don't know. Uh, do you have a wife?
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- Yeah. But she's dead. - Oh.
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Have you ever been married?
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Yeah, she died.
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Ohh. God, why are we laughing?
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I don't... Well, it's the Mr. Daniels stroke thing...
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all over again.
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- Let's go get that drink. - Yeah, it could only help.
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- Rrrr! - Rrr!
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George Sr. was dealing with his own admirer.
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Oh, I've already told you so many of my sins.
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Maybe you could tell me some of yours.
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Uh, well, there are legal implications to that.
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But, uh, back to your sins. Uh, do that one about the, uh...
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ladies' shower...
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in your college dorm again.
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And Michael was on his way to what would be his second date...
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with Ms. Baerly.
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Michael, the little Korean is here, and I don't know what to do with him.
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At least, I think it's a him.
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You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you can even tell.
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Yeah, Mom. I just spoke to Social Services...
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and although they don't like to do this...
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if you can prove that it's a bad environment for a child...
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and I would suggest saying what you just said to me, don't change a word...
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- they will take him back. - Ha, ha, ha. Uh, don't get too comfortable.
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Shoes on, mister! Shoes on!
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He's out of control.
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Hold on.
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I'm back.
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Who's that?
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This is "Annyong," who your father and I have adopted.
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What, I'm gone for a couple days and you find a new son?
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Lucille could see that her son was concerned, even jealous.
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And she knew how it felt to be overlooked.
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Yes. Annyong is your brother now.
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Yes, Annyong. Excuse me. Oh, Michael?
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Call it off.
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I'm keeping him.
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- Look, I gotta call you back. - Sweet ride.
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Are you making dinner reservations?
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No, no. That was my Mom. She just had...
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- a "little Korean" dropped off. - Ooh, that sounds good. Let's have that.
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- Hello. - And after their date...
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Michael took a step he hadn't taken in years.
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Okay, do you think this is a good idea?
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I think it's a great idea.
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Mmm.
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Such a good idea.
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But how are we going to sneak in without waking everyone up?
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We'll take the stairs.
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This may not have been my best idea.
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I'm sorry, Michael.
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I'm sorry too, Michael, but it looks like we're even.
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You took something I liked. I took something you liked.
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Yeah. l... ... "Nashbagerlajam."
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Listen, I know that you've been trying to get even with me about Marta.
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But got bad news for ya. I'm seeing somebody else.
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Who? Who?
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just out of curiosity... I'm not gonna try to sleep with her.
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- Forget it. I thought that this was behind us. - It is behind us.
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- Great. - When I sleep with her. 'Cause I'm gonna sleep with her.
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Yeah. I was lying when I said I wasn't gonna to sleep with her, so...
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- She'd have to agree to it. - I don't anticipate a problem with that.
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- No? - No. 'Cause I've seen some of the dogs you like.
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- Right. - I just slept with one.
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- Again, didn't like Nazhgalia. - Really.
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- Really, and good luck getting rid of her. - Oh, please.
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Not a problem. She knows it was a one-time thing. Totally cool.
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- Oh, so romantic. - Who's "N. Bahn-Ahden?"
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Hello.
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Hey, George Michael.
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I wanted to talk to you about something before, but I didn't know if it was real.
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But now, uh...
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your ethics teacher...
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- Yeah, I just made this for her. - Oh.
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She loves Saddam Hussein.
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I'm sure she doesn't love Saddam. I'm sure she is interested in him...
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as a subject, you know.
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- Right. That's what I meant. - Great.
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You know, I just wanted to make her something special to show that I care.
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- About the class? - No. I mean, about her.
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- Oh! - I kind of love her.
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You mean, you love her like... like she loves Saddam.
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- Right? - No, no. I mean, like, love her love her.
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Oh.
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- Oh. - Oh, hi!
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Hi, George Michael. I was just...
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I'm gonna go home, think about it.
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Dad, what was she doing here?
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I mean, sh... she wasn't...
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Michael knew he had an ethical responsibility to tell his son the truth.
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Yes.
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Your Uncle Gob slept with her.
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Well, why would he do that? Why would Gob sleep with my ethics teacher?
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- Probably to get even with me. - How would that be getting even with you?
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- I'm the one that likes her. - Right. Right.
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No, I know. You and I know that, but Gob he just...
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He's not that exact of a target shooter, and he just kind of sprays it everywhere.
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You know, but listen, did-did you really think that-that... that you had a...
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I mean, she's kinda old for you, don't you think?
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We don't even know how old she is. No one does.
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She was chaperoning the diversity dance...
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and I thought maybe as a joke, I'd go up to her and be, like...
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"Well, hey, do you want to dance?"
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And she'd be, like, "Ah, what the heck?" Right? Or some... I don't know.
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- I did it differently in the mirror, but... - Right.
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- But, you know, like, we'd be joke dancing or something. - I get it.
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- I didn't think it through. - Don't you think you should be taking somebody your own age?
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Like your cousin.
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- That's a bad example, but... - I feel so stupid.
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I defaced a rare book to get that picture of Saddam Hussein in a bathing suit.
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- "What would Saddam do?" - Yeah.
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Yeah, you know something? You're right. Gob's gonna pay.
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Okay, that is our exact outdoor fire pit.
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At prison, George Sr. was preparing for an evening with his most devoted fan.
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While Cindi Lightballoon was making preparations ofher own.
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- How we doin'? - We have video.
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- Testing one, two. - Tilt back a little, will you, Harris?
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Let's bust this guy.
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So George Michael, still angry at Gob...
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sought out the family expert on making trouble.
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- I know he was dating that girl Shannon. - The cheerleader?
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Yeah, she's probably gonna take him to that stupid diversity dance.
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I wish I had someone shocking to take.
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You know, I actually called Mr. Daniels and asked him...
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but he got all out of breath and dropped the phone.
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- I never heard back. - You know, may-maybe we should go together.
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Right, I mean, it's a bad example... l... But should we?
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Hello.
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Yes, Annyong. Your name's Annyong.
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We all know you're Annyong. Annyong. Annyong. Annyong.
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- Who's this? - Oh, I'm sorry. This is Annyong.
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My mom bought him. She's making me register him for school.
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- He's my new little brother. - So we're related.
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- Hey, wanna go to a dance? - Oh, great, another uncle to compete with.
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And Michael went to discuss the George Michael situation with Ms. Baerly.
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Being held against their will...
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purely on the basis of political or religious beliefs.
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I'm sorry. I met someone. I'm sorry.
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Anyway, this is serious. This is atrocities. No more smiling.
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Michael! Uh, just a minute.
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- Hi. Sorry... - Hi!
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Don't worry. George Michael's not in there. Those are the dumb kids.
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Okay. Um, listen.
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- This is uh... - Wow! Did you make this for me?
15:08 - 15:10
This is so sweet. I love Hussein.
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- You mean, you're interested in him. - Oh, yes. He is a monster.
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- Yeah. - Wow. Where did you find this one of him in a Speedo?
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This is what I want to talk to you about, though. Um, Beth...
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I don't think that I can continue to see you.
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But I've enjoyed my time with you.
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- You ever wanna talk ethics... - You really mean it? This isn't one of"my wife died"jokes?
15:29 - 15:33
- No, I'm afraid this is serious. - Oh.
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You see, George Michael made this poster for you.
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You know, he-he kind of, uh, is in love with you, so...
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- He knows we're going out. He saw me this morning. - No, I covered that.
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I told him that you slept with my brother.
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That may be the most unethical thing I've ever heard.
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Well, you've only been doing this half a semester.
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Look, it was a preemptive strike. My brother would've tried to sleep with you.
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- Well, I want you to leave right now and not come back. - Right. I know.
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I understand. I'm sorry. And you will not see me again.
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Starting right now.
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George Sr. went on a walk with Cindi. - George.
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- And she was getting to him. - You can feel safe to fully reveal yourself to me.
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Hmm, all right. There is...
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- There is something. - Come closer.
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It's weighing heavy on my soul.
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You, uh... You know, the Talmud teaches us to... There you go.
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He's on to us. He's found the camera.
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- Get out of there. He's got the camera. Abort! Abort! - Get the dog.
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Clean the dog. We are cleaning the dog!
16:45 - 16:47
That night, Buster came home to an empty apartment.
16:59 - 17:02
So, it's off with Mother now.
17:03 - 17:06
In fact, Lucille was just giving Annyong and Maeby a ride.
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You're trying to steal from the wrong man.
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Watch your back, my little immigrant friend!
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And the spring diversity dance was in full swing.
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- Whoa, sorry. Students only. - Oh.
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So you're not letting him in because he doesn't share your perfectly shaped nose...
17:27 - 17:31
your round eye-shaped eyes, your strong square jaw.
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Thanks. You wanna dance?
17:35 - 17:37
- Yeah! - All right!
17:37 - 17:39
Steve Holt!
17:39 - 17:42
And Gob sought out Shannon... - Shannon!
17:42 - 17:44
who had found out he had cheated on her with Nazhgalia.
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Shannon, where are you? Shannon!
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Oh, hey, Lisa. Shannon!
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Excuse me. Look, I blew it, okay?
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But I bought a yearbook ad from you. Doesn't that mean anything anymore?
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Beth! Hey, hi. Listen...
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Um, I blew it okay? I had to see you.
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l-I've been giving this a lot of thought, and-and...
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- I have to do the right thing. - You're gonna tell George Michael the truth?
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Oh, that's... that's your definition of the right thing.
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I thought I was gonna make a dramatic entrance and tell you that I wanted to see you. Okay.
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Uh, I'll get right on that.
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George Michael! Where are you? George Michael!
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- Uncle Gob? - George Michael.
18:25 - 18:28
- What are you doing at a high school dance? - I'm looking for you.
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- How could you do this to me? - Do what?
18:31 - 18:33
- I'm just here with my girl. - Yeah, my ethics teacher.
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- Hey, George Michael. - No, Dad. I'm taking care of something, okay?
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- All right. - You slept with my ethics teacher.
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Just hang on a second.
18:40 - 18:42
- It wasn't him. It's me, okay? - Wha...
18:42 - 18:43
- It wasn't him. It's me, okay? - Wha...
18:43 - 18:44
- I've been dating your ethics teacher. - Wow, Michael.
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I'm really touched that you'd stick up for me after I've been so horrible to you.
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- Huh? - You know what? Now it's time for me to do the right thing.
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I slept with the ethics teacher. I'm sorry.
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- What are you talking about? - Lindsay told me that you liked her and I'm not proud of this...
18:58 - 19:02
but... l... Mrs. Whitehead.
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In fact, Gob mistook the civics teacher...
19:06 - 19:08
for the ethics teacher Michael was dating.
19:09 - 19:11
Man, he... has a type.
19:11 - 19:14
Gob, Mrs. Whitehead was the civics teacher.
19:14 - 19:18
- We both had her. - Yes, we have. And now we're even.
19:18 - 19:21
- What a pig. - Tell me about it.
19:21 - 19:24
No, you! You're the pig!
19:24 - 19:26
- Two strikes. You are out. - Listen. Shannon, please.
19:26 - 19:29
It was a onetime thing. I'm not gonna hear from her again!
19:29 - 19:31
Ach!
19:31 - 19:33
Who is Edna W? Hello?
19:33 - 19:38
- What's going on here, Dad? - Well, it-it-it was me, okay?
19:38 - 19:41
l-I've been seeing Ms. Baerly, and I should never have brought Gob into it.
19:41 - 19:44
But that day you told me you liked her, I didn't know what else to do.
19:44 - 19:47
- I never wanted to hurt you. - Didn't Aunt Lindsay tell you I liked her?
19:47 - 19:50
Yeah. But she said that you wanted her as a mother, and I said that was ridiculous...
19:50 - 19:54
but then I met her and kind of fell for her...
19:54 - 19:56
and thought that she would kind of make a great mother.
19:56 - 19:59
Is that true? I didn't know you were that serious.
19:59 - 20:03
Well, you know, I'm open to it. We're open to it.
20:03 - 20:05
Wow!
20:06 - 20:08
- No, no, no, no. - I'm just saying someday, you know.
20:08 - 20:12
- I'm not really into kids. - I'm just... I'm not trying to rush anything.
20:12 - 20:15
Hey! The lady said no, man.
20:16 - 20:18
Look, Michael, I hope you find what you're looking for.
20:18 - 20:20
I mean we had some laughs about some very sad things, but...
20:20 - 20:23
I don't think we have a future.
20:23 - 20:26
- And, Jeremy, I will take that cupcake. - Ohh. Okay, um...
20:28 - 20:31
- Hey, uh, you wanna dance? - Sure, why not?
20:33 - 20:37
I can't believe that would have worked.
20:40 - 20:42
On the next Arrested Development.
20:43 - 20:45
Buster's competition heats up.
20:45 - 20:47
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We are not allowed to have candles in here.
20:47 - 20:50
- Mom would freak. - Oh, no, it's fine.
20:50 - 20:53
This is America, baby. You pray how you want.
20:53 - 20:58
That's exactly what I'll do.
21:01 - 21:03