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Episode 1x14 - "Shock and Aww"

Director: Joe Russo

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Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything...

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and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.

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It's Arrested Development.

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Michael was sharing his bed for the first time in years.

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Unfortunately, it was with his younger brother, Buster.

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Buster. Buster.

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Hey-Hey. Whoa, whoa. Buster!

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Hey, Brother.

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I don't think us sleeping together is working out.

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- Yeah, I miss Mom. - I can tell.

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- Hey, good morning. What are you doing? - It's my ethics essay.

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I'm supposed to write 200 words on the morality of war...

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whether a preemptive strike is ever justified.

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Absolutely. It's preemptive, you know, happens before something else. So...

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if you can predict aggression and you wanna squash it...

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I don't know why you're not typing? This is all good.

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I'm not sure if my ethics teacher would love if I cheated on my essay.

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Well, you just passed my ethics test.

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In fact, George Michael had developed a hopeless crush...

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on his ethics teacher, a woman named Beth Baerly.

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Even minor crimes are punishable...

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by brutally chopping off the offender's hand.

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Mmm. No ring.

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- Can't wait to meet her at Parent-Teacher Night. - Oh yeah. Dad, hey, Dad...

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- try to remember everything she says about me, all right? - Okay.

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Michael.

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I need you to do something about my son.

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I totally agree, Mom. Buster goes home, we flip the mattress...

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- this never happened. - Not Buster. Read this.

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The S.E.C. was onto us.

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Your father thought it would make us look charitable.

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He must have forged my signature.

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Well, maybe I'll get a son who will...

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finish his cottage cheese!

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You've got to get me out of this.

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I'll call Social Services, but you must take Buster back.

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- Okay. - Great.

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But I'm not taking care of him either.

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I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore.

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Yeah, that udder's been dry for a while now, hasn't it?

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Kind of?

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- Hello. - Michael.

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I've got a couple of girls here.

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A couple of fun girls...

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- I thought I'd bring you in on. - Oh, I don't know, Gob.

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Come on, Michael. So we had a little disagreement.

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Recently, Gob had discovered that Michael...

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was interested in his now ex-girlfriend, Marta.

02:37 - 02:40

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I'm offering you an olive branch here.

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Yeah-Yeah. No. l-I know, and l-I appreciate that. It's just...

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Besides, when was the last time you slept with someone?

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- Buster. - What time and where?

02:47 - 02:50

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Meanwhile, Lindsay was helping George Michael with his homework.

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- Oh, come on, let's do something. It's just a stupid essay. - No, I can't.

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I don't want to let down Ms. Baerly. She's nice, you know.

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- And she's interesting... - And pretty?

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Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this.

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I guess there's just some things you can't really say to your dad.

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Ah. Sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.

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Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father...

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so he could fill the role ofhis mother.

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There's nothing wrong with that.

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Although, I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.

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- You're my aunt. - That doesn't matter.

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Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role.

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And, someday, you're gonna find the right woman to fill that role.

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But until then, I'll be right across the hall.

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Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.

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Yikes. - Meanwhile, Gob was waiting for Michael to show up.

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- Oh, there he is. Michael. - Yes.

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This is Shannon, the girl I've been telling you all about.

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Yes. Girl, indeed... young girl.

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- That's a young, young, young, girl. - Yeah, well, she's 18.

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So, it's like... Oh, and this is...

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- your date, Nazh... - galia.

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- Hello, my God! - Well, Shannon wouldn't go out without a chaperone...

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- Right. - and so she's your date.

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It was clear that Gob wasn't offering an olive branch at all...

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and, in fact, was still harboring some resentment over Marta.

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Oh... "Nagarma," you've got a mustache. - Hey!

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- I mean, you've got milk on your mustache. - Oh.

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- I mean, you've got a milk mustache. - Yeah.

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It's adorable. You look like one of those "Got Milk" models.

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But Gob mistook Michael's basic human decency for romantic interest...

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and felt a competitive urge to step in.

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Because, you know, it's beyond adorable... and e-exotic.

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- I find you very attractive. - Really?

04:49 - 04:53

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And George Sr. was about to get a surprise visitor.

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Mr. Bluth? I'm Cindi Lightballoon.

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I've studied all your teachings, and I've purchased every tape.

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And I watch 'em over and over.

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George Sr. had recently marketed a line of self-help tapes...

05:07 - 05:11

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touting his newly discovered spirituality.

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I've also lost four pounds on your low-carb Bluth Banana Jail Bars.

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I've come to learn at your feet.

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That's a good place to start.

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And Michael, free ofhis double date, met Lindsay at Parent-Teacher Night.

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Hey, Linds, is it my imagination...

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or does this rape room have the same floor plan as our kitchen?

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Did you meet Ms. Baerly yet, the ethics teacher? 'Cause I just did.

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No, not yet. Look, these are our cabinets.

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Yeah. Well, I think she's perfect for you.

05:44 - 05:47

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- For me? Really? - Mm-hmm.

05:47 - 05:49

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Thanks, but no. I've already been set up once today by a sibling...

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and I don't think you people know my type.

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Hey, look. It's not coming from me. It's-It's George Michael.

05:53 - 05:56

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He told me. I think he wants a mother.

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Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother.

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You'd think that would turn him off to the entire concept.

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Besides, I'm not gonna rush out and marry somebody just because you think my son would like it.

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Welcome. I'm Ms. Baerly, the ethics teacher.

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My goal is to teach your children about the preciousness oflife...

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that can be lost by the mindless pulling of a trigger.

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Mmm. No ring.

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And so Michael got to know his son's ethics teacher.

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Ethics... right and wrong.

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How can one thing can be right and another one be wrong?

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I mean, which is which, you know?

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I guess that's the "Rrrr" of it.

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You know, so frustrating.

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I don't know. I mean, they just threw this class at me after Mr. Daniels had a stroke.

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I had him, Mr. Daniels. How is he?

06:47 - 06:50

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- Oh, he, you know, had a stroke. - Oh.

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- Thought you were joking. - No, I was just laughing 'cause you were laughing.

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- Right. No. Yeah. Gosh. Hmm. - Yeah.

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- "Rrrr!" - "Rrrr!"

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- But, you know, l-l... I really am antiwar and antiviolence. - Uh-huh.

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- And I think I'm an ethical person. - Right.

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Here's an ethical question.

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Can-Can a parent take a teacher out for a drink? Or...

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I don't know. Uh, do you have a wife?

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- Yeah. But she's dead. - Oh.

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Have you ever been married?

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Yeah, she died.

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Ohh. God, why are we laughing?

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I don't... Well, it's the Mr. Daniels stroke thing...

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all over again.

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- Let's go get that drink. - Yeah, it could only help.

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- Rrrr! - Rrr!

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George Sr. was dealing with his own admirer.

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Oh, I've already told you so many of my sins.

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Maybe you could tell me some of yours.

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Uh, well, there are legal implications to that.

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But, uh, back to your sins. Uh, do that one about the, uh...

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ladies' shower...

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in your college dorm again.

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And Michael was on his way to what would be his second date...

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with Ms. Baerly.

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Michael, the little Korean is here, and I don't know what to do with him.

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At least, I think it's a him.

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You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you can even tell.

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Yeah, Mom. I just spoke to Social Services...

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and although they don't like to do this...

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if you can prove that it's a bad environment for a child...

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and I would suggest saying what you just said to me, don't change a word...

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- they will take him back. - Ha, ha, ha. Uh, don't get too comfortable.

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Shoes on, mister! Shoes on!

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He's out of control.

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Hold on.

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I'm back.

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Who's that?

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This is "Annyong," who your father and I have adopted.

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What, I'm gone for a couple days and you find a new son?

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Lucille could see that her son was concerned, even jealous.

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And she knew how it felt to be overlooked.

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Yes. Annyong is your brother now.

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Yes, Annyong. Excuse me. Oh, Michael?

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Call it off.

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I'm keeping him.

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- Look, I gotta call you back. - Sweet ride.

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Are you making dinner reservations?

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No, no. That was my Mom. She just had...

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- a "little Korean" dropped off. - Ooh, that sounds good. Let's have that.

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- Hello. - And after their date...

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Michael took a step he hadn't taken in years.

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Okay, do you think this is a good idea?

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I think it's a great idea.

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Mmm.

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Such a good idea.

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But how are we going to sneak in without waking everyone up?

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We'll take the stairs.

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This may not have been my best idea.

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I'm sorry, Michael.

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I'm sorry too, Michael, but it looks like we're even.

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You took something I liked. I took something you liked.

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Yeah. l... ... "Nashbagerlajam."

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Listen, I know that you've been trying to get even with me about Marta.

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But got bad news for ya. I'm seeing somebody else.

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Who? Who?

10:26 - 10:29

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just out of curiosity... I'm not gonna try to sleep with her.

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- Forget it. I thought that this was behind us. - It is behind us.

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- Great. - When I sleep with her. 'Cause I'm gonna sleep with her.

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Yeah. I was lying when I said I wasn't gonna to sleep with her, so...

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- She'd have to agree to it. - I don't anticipate a problem with that.

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- No? - No. 'Cause I've seen some of the dogs you like.

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- Right. - I just slept with one.

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- Again, didn't like Nazhgalia. - Really.

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- Really, and good luck getting rid of her. - Oh, please.

10:51 - 10:54

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Not a problem. She knows it was a one-time thing. Totally cool.

10:54 - 10:57

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- Oh, so romantic. - Who's "N. Bahn-Ahden?"

10:57 - 11:02

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Hello.

11:02 - 11:04

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Hey, George Michael.

11:05 - 11:07

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I wanted to talk to you about something before, but I didn't know if it was real.

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But now, uh...

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your ethics teacher...

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- Yeah, I just made this for her. - Oh.

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She loves Saddam Hussein.

11:17 - 11:20

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I'm sure she doesn't love Saddam. I'm sure she is interested in him...

11:20 - 11:23

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as a subject, you know.

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- Right. That's what I meant. - Great.

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You know, I just wanted to make her something special to show that I care.

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- About the class? - No. I mean, about her.

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- Oh! - I kind of love her.

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You mean, you love her like... like she loves Saddam.

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- Right? - No, no. I mean, like, love her love her.

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Oh.

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- Oh. - Oh, hi!

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Hi, George Michael. I was just...

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I'm gonna go home, think about it.

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Dad, what was she doing here?

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I mean, sh... she wasn't...

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Michael knew he had an ethical responsibility to tell his son the truth.

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Yes.

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Your Uncle Gob slept with her.

12:15 - 12:18

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Well, why would he do that? Why would Gob sleep with my ethics teacher?

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- Probably to get even with me. - How would that be getting even with you?

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- I'm the one that likes her. - Right. Right.

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No, I know. You and I know that, but Gob he just...

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He's not that exact of a target shooter, and he just kind of sprays it everywhere.

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You know, but listen, did-did you really think that-that... that you had a...

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I mean, she's kinda old for you, don't you think?

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We don't even know how old she is. No one does.

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She was chaperoning the diversity dance...

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and I thought maybe as a joke, I'd go up to her and be, like...

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"Well, hey, do you want to dance?"

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And she'd be, like, "Ah, what the heck?" Right? Or some... I don't know.

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- I did it differently in the mirror, but... - Right.

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- But, you know, like, we'd be joke dancing or something. - I get it.

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- I didn't think it through. - Don't you think you should be taking somebody your own age?

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Like your cousin.

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- That's a bad example, but... - I feel so stupid.

13:07 - 13:10

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I defaced a rare book to get that picture of Saddam Hussein in a bathing suit.

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- "What would Saddam do?" - Yeah.

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Yeah, you know something? You're right. Gob's gonna pay.

13:18 - 13:21

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Okay, that is our exact outdoor fire pit.

13:25 - 13:29

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At prison, George Sr. was preparing for an evening with his most devoted fan.

13:29 - 13:33

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While Cindi Lightballoon was making preparations ofher own.

13:34 - 13:37

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- How we doin'? - We have video.

13:37 - 13:39

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- Testing one, two. - Tilt back a little, will you, Harris?

13:39 - 13:44

S1E14: 825833

Let's bust this guy.

13:44 - 13:47

S1E14: 828708

So George Michael, still angry at Gob...

13:47 - 13:50

S1E14: 831375

sought out the family expert on making trouble.

13:50 - 13:52

S1E14: 834375

- I know he was dating that girl Shannon. - The cheerleader?

13:52 - 13:56

S1E14: 837708

Yeah, she's probably gonna take him to that stupid diversity dance.

13:56 - 13:59

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I wish I had someone shocking to take.

13:59 - 14:01

S1E14: 842625

You know, I actually called Mr. Daniels and asked him...

14:01 - 14:03

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but he got all out of breath and dropped the phone.

14:03 - 14:07

S1E14: 849333

- I never heard back. - You know, may-maybe we should go together.

14:07 - 14:11

S1E14: 853166

Right, I mean, it's a bad example... l... But should we?

14:11 - 14:15

S1E14: 856291

Hello.

14:15 - 14:17

S1E14: 858375

Yes, Annyong. Your name's Annyong.

14:17 - 14:19

S1E14: 860916

We all know you're Annyong. Annyong. Annyong. Annyong.

14:19 - 14:22

S1E14: 863833

- Who's this? - Oh, I'm sorry. This is Annyong.

14:22 - 14:25

S1E14: 866958

My mom bought him. She's making me register him for school.

14:25 - 14:28

S1E14: 870375

- He's my new little brother. - So we're related.

14:28 - 14:32

S1E14: 874916

- Hey, wanna go to a dance? - Oh, great, another uncle to compete with.

14:32 - 14:37

S1E14: 879125

And Michael went to discuss the George Michael situation with Ms. Baerly.

14:37 - 14:40

S1E14: 882208

Being held against their will...

14:40 - 14:43

S1E14: 885833

purely on the basis of political or religious beliefs.

14:43 - 14:48

S1E14: 889875

I'm sorry. I met someone. I'm sorry.

14:48 - 14:51

S1E14: 893833

Anyway, this is serious. This is atrocities. No more smiling.

14:51 - 14:55

S1E14: 897500

Michael! Uh, just a minute.

14:55 - 14:59

S1E14: 902333

- Hi. Sorry... - Hi!

15:01 - 15:03

S1E14: 904750

Don't worry. George Michael's not in there. Those are the dumb kids.

15:03 - 15:05

S1E14: 907166

Okay. Um, listen.

15:05 - 15:08

S1E14: 909416

- This is uh... - Wow! Did you make this for me?

15:08 - 15:10

S1E14: 911875

This is so sweet. I love Hussein.

15:10 - 15:12

S1E14: 914833

- You mean, you're interested in him. - Oh, yes. He is a monster.

15:12 - 15:16

S1E14: 918291

- Yeah. - Wow. Where did you find this one of him in a Speedo?

15:16 - 15:19

S1E14: 921000

This is what I want to talk to you about, though. Um, Beth...

15:19 - 15:22

S1E14: 923500

I don't think that I can continue to see you.

15:22 - 15:24

S1E14: 928291

But I've enjoyed my time with you.

15:26 - 15:29

S1E14: 931833

- You ever wanna talk ethics... - You really mean it? This isn't one of"my wife died"jokes?

15:29 - 15:33

S1E14: 935666

- No, I'm afraid this is serious. - Oh.

15:34 - 15:37

S1E14: 938416

You see, George Michael made this poster for you.

15:37 - 15:39

S1E14: 941500

You know, he-he kind of, uh, is in love with you, so...

15:39 - 15:43

S1E14: 945333

- He knows we're going out. He saw me this morning. - No, I covered that.

15:43 - 15:47

S1E14: 948333

I told him that you slept with my brother.

15:47 - 15:49

S1E14: 951208

That may be the most unethical thing I've ever heard.

15:49 - 15:52

S1E14: 954166

Well, you've only been doing this half a semester.

15:52 - 15:55

S1E14: 957916

Look, it was a preemptive strike. My brother would've tried to sleep with you.

15:55 - 16:00

S1E14: 961500

- Well, I want you to leave right now and not come back. - Right. I know.

16:00 - 16:02

S1E14: 964583

I understand. I'm sorry. And you will not see me again.

16:02 - 16:06

S1E14: 973458

Starting right now.

16:11 - 16:15

S1E14: 976541

George Sr. went on a walk with Cindi. - George.

16:15 - 16:17

S1E14: 980250

- And she was getting to him. - You can feel safe to fully reveal yourself to me.

16:17 - 16:22

S1E14: 984250

Hmm, all right. There is...

16:22 - 16:25

S1E14: 987875

- There is something. - Come closer.

16:26 - 16:29

S1E14: 992000

It's weighing heavy on my soul.

16:29 - 16:34

S1E14: 996875

You, uh... You know, the Talmud teaches us to... There you go.

16:34 - 16:39

S1E14: 1002458

He's on to us. He's found the camera.

16:41 - 16:43

S1E14: 1004625

- Get out of there. He's got the camera. Abort! Abort! - Get the dog.

16:43 - 16:45

S1E14: 1006833

Clean the dog. We are cleaning the dog!

16:45 - 16:47

S1E14: 1020541

That night, Buster came home to an empty apartment.

16:59 - 17:02

S1E14: 1024708

So, it's off with Mother now.

17:03 - 17:06

S1E14: 1028333

In fact, Lucille was just giving Annyong and Maeby a ride.

17:06 - 17:09

S1E14: 1031166

You're trying to steal from the wrong man.

17:09 - 17:12

S1E14: 1033458

Watch your back, my little immigrant friend!

17:12 - 17:15

S1E14: 1042083

And the spring diversity dance was in full swing.

17:20 - 17:23

S1E14: 1045625

- Whoa, sorry. Students only. - Oh.

17:23 - 17:27

S1E14: 1049333

So you're not letting him in because he doesn't share your perfectly shaped nose...

17:27 - 17:31

S1E14: 1053208

your round eye-shaped eyes, your strong square jaw.

17:31 - 17:35

S1E14: 1056208

Thanks. You wanna dance?

17:35 - 17:37

S1E14: 1058541

- Yeah! - All right!

17:37 - 17:39

S1E14: 1061083

Steve Holt!

17:39 - 17:42

S1E14: 1063458

And Gob sought out Shannon... - Shannon!

17:42 - 17:44

S1E14: 1066083

who had found out he had cheated on her with Nazhgalia.

17:44 - 17:47

S1E14: 1069208

Shannon, where are you? Shannon!

17:47 - 17:50

S1E14: 1072458

Oh, hey, Lisa. Shannon!

17:50 - 17:53

S1E14: 1076166

Excuse me. Look, I blew it, okay?

17:54 - 17:57

S1E14: 1078791

But I bought a yearbook ad from you. Doesn't that mean anything anymore?

17:57 - 18:00

S1E14: 1082500

Beth! Hey, hi. Listen...

18:00 - 18:04

S1E14: 1086166

Um, I blew it okay? I had to see you.

18:04 - 18:07

S1E14: 1088833

l-I've been giving this a lot of thought, and-and...

18:07 - 18:09

S1E14: 1091708

- I have to do the right thing. - You're gonna tell George Michael the truth?

18:09 - 18:13

S1E14: 1094791

Oh, that's... that's your definition of the right thing.

18:13 - 18:16

S1E14: 1098000

I thought I was gonna make a dramatic entrance and tell you that I wanted to see you. Okay.

18:16 - 18:19

S1E14: 1101208

Uh, I'll get right on that.

18:19 - 18:22

S1E14: 1104083

George Michael! Where are you? George Michael!

18:22 - 18:25

S1E14: 1107333

- Uncle Gob? - George Michael.

18:25 - 18:28

S1E14: 1110166

- What are you doing at a high school dance? - I'm looking for you.

18:29 - 18:31

S1E14: 1112666

- How could you do this to me? - Do what?

18:31 - 18:33

S1E14: 1115125

- I'm just here with my girl. - Yeah, my ethics teacher.

18:34 - 18:36

S1E14: 1117541

- Hey, George Michael. - No, Dad. I'm taking care of something, okay?

18:36 - 18:38

S1E14: 1119625

- All right. - You slept with my ethics teacher.

18:38 - 18:40

S1E14: 1121500

Just hang on a second.

18:40 - 18:42

S1E14: 1122958

- It wasn't him. It's me, okay? - Wha...

18:42 - 18:43

S1E14: 1124208

- It wasn't him. It's me, okay? - Wha...

18:43 - 18:44

S1E14: 1126791

- I've been dating your ethics teacher. - Wow, Michael.

18:45 - 18:48

S1E14: 1130000

I'm really touched that you'd stick up for me after I've been so horrible to you.

18:48 - 18:51

S1E14: 1133500

- Huh? - You know what? Now it's time for me to do the right thing.

18:51 - 18:55

S1E14: 1137458

I slept with the ethics teacher. I'm sorry.

18:56 - 18:58

S1E14: 1140583

- What are you talking about? - Lindsay told me that you liked her and I'm not proud of this...

18:58 - 19:02

S1E14: 1144375

but... l... Mrs. Whitehead.

19:02 - 19:05

S1E14: 1147708

In fact, Gob mistook the civics teacher...

19:06 - 19:08

S1E14: 1150125

for the ethics teacher Michael was dating.

19:09 - 19:11

S1E14: 1153291

Man, he... has a type.

19:11 - 19:14

S1E14: 1156291

Gob, Mrs. Whitehead was the civics teacher.

19:14 - 19:18

S1E14: 1159958

- We both had her. - Yes, we have. And now we're even.

19:18 - 19:21

S1E14: 1162916

- What a pig. - Tell me about it.

19:21 - 19:24

S1E14: 1165250

No, you! You're the pig!

19:24 - 19:26

S1E14: 1167833

- Two strikes. You are out. - Listen. Shannon, please.

19:26 - 19:29

S1E14: 1170541

It was a onetime thing. I'm not gonna hear from her again!

19:29 - 19:31

S1E14: 1172875

Ach!

19:31 - 19:33

S1E14: 1176000

Who is Edna W? Hello?

19:33 - 19:38

S1E14: 1179791

- What's going on here, Dad? - Well, it-it-it was me, okay?

19:38 - 19:41

S1E14: 1183041

l-I've been seeing Ms. Baerly, and I should never have brought Gob into it.

19:41 - 19:44

S1E14: 1186291

But that day you told me you liked her, I didn't know what else to do.

19:44 - 19:47

S1E14: 1189291

- I never wanted to hurt you. - Didn't Aunt Lindsay tell you I liked her?

19:47 - 19:50

S1E14: 1192916

Yeah. But she said that you wanted her as a mother, and I said that was ridiculous...

19:50 - 19:54

S1E14: 1195625

but then I met her and kind of fell for her...

19:54 - 19:56

S1E14: 1198250

and thought that she would kind of make a great mother.

19:56 - 19:59

S1E14: 1201625

Is that true? I didn't know you were that serious.

19:59 - 20:03

S1E14: 1204791

Well, you know, I'm open to it. We're open to it.

20:03 - 20:05

S1E14: 1207291

Wow!

20:06 - 20:08

S1E14: 1210666

- No, no, no, no. - I'm just saying someday, you know.

20:08 - 20:12

S1E14: 1214250

- I'm not really into kids. - I'm just... I'm not trying to rush anything.

20:12 - 20:15

S1E14: 1217041

Hey! The lady said no, man.

20:16 - 20:18

S1E14: 1219416

Look, Michael, I hope you find what you're looking for.

20:18 - 20:20

S1E14: 1222208

I mean we had some laughs about some very sad things, but...

20:20 - 20:23

S1E14: 1225250

I don't think we have a future.

20:23 - 20:26

S1E14: 1230125

- And, Jeremy, I will take that cupcake. - Ohh. Okay, um...

20:28 - 20:31

S1E14: 1235375

- Hey, uh, you wanna dance? - Sure, why not?

20:33 - 20:37

S1E14: 1241416

I can't believe that would have worked.

20:40 - 20:42

S1E14: 1244250

On the next Arrested Development.

20:43 - 20:45

S1E14: 1246666

Buster's competition heats up.

20:45 - 20:47

S1E14: 1248458

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We are not allowed to have candles in here.

20:47 - 20:50

S1E14: 1251833

- Mom would freak. - Oh, no, it's fine.

20:50 - 20:53

S1E14: 1256000

This is America, baby. You pray how you want.

20:53 - 20:58

S1E14: 1262791

That's exactly what I'll do.

21:01 - 21:03