Episode 1x13 - "Beef Consommé"
Director: Jay Chandrasekhar
Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything...
00:01 - 00:04
and the one son who had no choice...
00:04 - 00:06
but to keep them all together.
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Michael Bluth was infatuated with his brother's girlfriend, Marta...
00:18 - 00:22
a Spanish-language soap opera star.
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But when he found out she was interested in a man named Hermano, he confronted her.
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Unfortunately, he discovered too late...
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that "hermano" in Spanish meant "brother,"
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and the person Marta was infatuated with was, in fact, himself.
00:35 - 00:40
This was distracting Michael the next day when he went to meet his father's attorney at prison.
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Look, there is nothing to it. It's an arraignment.
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They announce the charges. However, it would help if you all showed up...
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Iooking like a loving, supportive family.
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- For how long? - Ten minutes, tops.
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See if you can get it down to five.
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You know, maybe I should confess these crimes, save everybody the trouble.
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Oh, get off the mount. You're coming home, guilty or somehow found not guilty.
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Hello?
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What the hell is going on? I'm waiting to hear about Marta and this Hermano guy.
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Yeah, I checked it out. I do not think that she's cheating.
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- I'm going over to Marta's. - No, no, no. Don't do that, okay?
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just lay low, be cool and I'll talk to her again.
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- That way you won't look so desperate, you know? - You're a good guy, mon frère.
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That means "brother" in French.
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I don't know why I know that. I took four years of Spanish.
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So Michael went to speak with Marta...
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about the misunderstanding from the night before.
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- I owe you an apology. - No, I owe you an apology.
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I'm so ashamed that I was so disrespectful to your brother.
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Oh, who cares? Nobody respects him.
01:45 - 01:47
You see, Marta, I have been interested in you since the first day that we met.
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- Really? - Yeah. Yeah.
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It doesn't matter.
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We live by a code, you and l... to honor family.
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Yes. That's one of the things that attracted me to you... your sense of right and wrong.
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I also like your hair and your face and your breasts.
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- You're so unlike your brother. - Oh, thank you.
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- Gob is like the cock of the walk. But not you. - You are so kind.
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- You're sensitive, like a woman. - That's enough.
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We do have to do the right thing.
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- And being together is the wrong thing. - Very, very...
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wrong.
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- Is that Gob? - He likes to make love to this.
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- I'm gonna turn this off. - Please.
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Oh!
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- Gob's wand. - Oh, this... this is so wrong.
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- Yes. - No, no, no. Not-Not-Not... Not... Not hot wrong.
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- You know, regular wrong. I gotta tell Gob. - No, I have to tell him.
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Yes, but you speak a little slowly, and I really want to get this thing moving along.
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So, listen, you do the noble thing, and you tell him that you've met somebody else.
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I'm gonna do the noble thing and tell him that it's me.
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While I'm doing my noble thing you could put those photos in a box, get rid of the wand...
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and we can do the wrong thing the right way.
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And Maeby was getting tired ofher parents'constant fighting.
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I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.
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Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that!
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That's my point, you handsome cowboy, you.
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Oh, great. And now you're mocking me, you selfish, country-music-loving lady.
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Hello, Maeby.
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Nice cover. Why don't you two just get a divorce and save us all a lot of grief?
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The night before, Tobias and Lindsay had chosen to sleep in separate rooms...
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and Tobias had dropped an intriguing bit of information.
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And then, of course, we couldn't conceive, so there was that famous ordeal.
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What do you mean, you couldn't conceive? Was Maeby adopted?
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Is she not really related to me? Is she just some girl I know?
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George Michael never got an answer. - It's Carl Weathers.
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So he set about doing some investigating on his own.
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- Hey, have you ever seen any pictures of your mom pregnant? - Don't talk to me about my mom.
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She's crazy. Both of them are.
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- Sometimes I wish we weren't even related. - Hey, you know, maybe we're not.
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Because, I mean, when you think about it, we don't even really look like each other.
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No, I was talking about my parents.
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God, what's wrong with this family?
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Maybe we're not a family.
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And maybe that's very, very right. We...
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Uncle Gob. Hey, uh, was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?
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Oh, yeah. Dozens of times. Hey, is your dad around, or...
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- Hey, Gob. Marta call? - She sure has...
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four times, but I didn't take the calls.
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Oh, no? Why not?
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- Because of you. You said to lay low. And it's working. - Great.
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Tell you what, you may not be good with women, but you are great with other people's women.
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I'll give you that. - No! Listen, Gob, you can't just ignore her.
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Maybe you should talk to her. She is your girlfriend.
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Exactly. And I want to keep it that way.
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For all I know, she's calling to break up with me. I don't answer the phone, that doesn't happen.
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And it's all because of you, fratello. That's Italian for brother.
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Now all I gotta do is find this Hermano guy.
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- I'm gonna kill him. - Hey, Brother.
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- Hey, Busty. - Hey, Brother.
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- Hey, Buster. - Gob, there's no need for violence.
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There never is. I'd like to think that we're all intelligent, mature...
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adults that can settle their differences...
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whenever they might come to light, through words.
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Yeah, well, I let my fists do the talking.
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Not this one, 'cause obviously, I need it for coin tricks and stuff.
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- But this one, I let it speak for both of them. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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Mom always taught us to curl up in a ball and remain motionless when confronted.
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That's what I did in high school when I almost got into a fight.
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- I think that was about being attacked by bears. - Yeah, I know.
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Hey, rich kid. Gimme your lunch money.
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But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to get into a fight today.
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- You'd be a much bigger ball. - There is so much in life that I have not experienced.
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And now that I'm away from Mom, I feel like this is my chance to live.
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I want to dance. I want to make love to a woman. I want to get a checking account.
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I want to know what it feels like to get my face socked in.
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Michael, don't get that! That could be Marta!
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What? Oop! Too late. Hello?
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- Michael? - Oh, hi, Mom.
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- I'm not here. - Is that Buster? Tell him I'm fine without him.
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Why haven't you called me back? I'm worried about your father's hearing.
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Mom, listen, it's gonna be fine. I'm on it, okay? I'm taking care of it.
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- I'll be there first thing Friday morning. - It's tomorrow at 4:30.
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- Oh. I should write that down. - Where is your head, Michael?
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Everything's gonna be fine. They just read the charges...
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and we look like a loving family for, like, six minutes.
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- Ten minutes. - We couldn't get that down, huh?
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George Michael, meanwhile, went to speak with Tobias.
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- This was just faxed to you. - Oh, great! The rewrite.
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Let's see if they've beefed up my part.
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I got three lines!
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So, uh, I've been thinking about that, uh... that conversation we were having the other night...
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about, uh, where Maeby came from, and, uh...
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I was just wondering if you could finish that thought.
07:22 - 07:24
Yes, okay. Uh, well, have a seat.
07:24 - 07:27
Uh...
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Um...
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When a man...
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needs to prove to a woman that he's actually...
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When a man loves a woman...
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and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her...
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something very, very special happens.
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And, uh, with deep, deep concentration...
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- and-and great focus, he's often able to achieve an erec... - I'm sorry.
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I'm gonna stop you. I know where you're running.
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l-I didn't mean babies in general.
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Oh, well, that's good, 'cause it was about to get a little, ick, gross.
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- Yeah. No, I meant specifically with Maeby. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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- This isn't right. - I know. You're right.
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- I'm sorry. - No, no. It says it's a shower scene.
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I'm not supposed to be in a shower scene. It has nudity.
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Tobias was a never-nude, which is exactly what it sounds like.
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I don't do nudity. It says that right on my résumé. Okay?
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What... What do you think I wear these for?
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I was never actually clear on that.
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So, you're, uh... you're not with Marta anymore?
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Well, my plan is to get her wanting me but bad, and then I spring it on her.
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I know you've been cheating on me, and you just cost yourself one fine man...
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- and one fine CD of him singing "Love is in the Air." - Well, I would never, uh...
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do this while you were still going out, but, uh...
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if you're done with her, I'd sure like a crack at her.
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Right, right. That sounds great. Go for it, buddy.
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But you know that she's kind of used to being with me, right?
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So, it'd be sort of like going from prime rib to...
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I don't know... weird brother of prime rib.
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- Do you even know her? - I met her. I fell for her.
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I've been watching her program, El Amor Prohibido... The Love That Is Forbidden.
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She is the love that's forbidden.
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The love of my hermano.
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Wait a second. What? You know Hermano?
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"Hermano" is brother in Spanish. As in, "Hey, hermano."
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- Huh. - Brother?
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- Hermano means brother? - Yeah.
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Well, sounds like hermano is about to get his ass kicked.
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Well, this is what I said I wanted.
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So, all right. Let's get it over with. Huh!
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Uh, so, are you gonna hit me?
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No, I'm not gonna hit you. You're not the brother Marta's cheating on me with.
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- Oh. Oh, who is? - How the hell should I know, Buster?
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You know, there is a guy who plays her older brother on her show.
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I think his name is Tio.
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Tio.
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Well, sounds like someone who you think's name is Tio...
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is about to get his ass kicked.
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Thanks for the tip, Buster.
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All right, Mom. I'll be sure to tell Buster. Right. Bye. Mom wanted me to tell you...
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that she doesn't care whether you live or die, but if you're not dead...
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she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in the blue sweater.
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- Damn! I hate the blue sweater. - She said it would look nice with the gray pants.
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- Damn it! She's right! - Where's Gob?
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- I think he's heading down to the set of Marta's soap opera. - What?
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She may be cheating on him with the guy who plays her brother.
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I mean, I still like her, but we're gonna have to deal with this.
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- I gotta go stop him. - And I've got a blue sweater to steam.
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- Good luck. - Thanks.
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Gob raced to confront Tio, with Michael in hot pursuit.
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George Michael, having failed to get the information he needed from anyone else...
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made the ultimate sacrifice and went to the keeper of the family secrets.
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- So, uh, it's about Maeby. - Oh! That's a lost cause.
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- But you get what you pay for, huh? - Yeah.
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- Wait. What-What do you mean, "pay"? - Fertility tests, lab fees...
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donors and implants.
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She's not real. She was made in a cup.
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Like soup... a hundred and thirty thousand dollar cup of soup.
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How do you like them egg rolls, Mr. Goldstone?
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All I know is it took an extra year before we could add a den.
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So are you saying we're not directly related?
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I'm saying she already spent her inheritance getting here.
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Gob, meanwhile, had finally shown up at the El Amor Prohibido set.
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Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio.
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-? Cómo? - Oh, you're gonna be in a coma, all right.
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Unfortunately, the actor who played Tio...
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had also starred in a Mexican film about the life of Oscar De La Hoya.
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Gob. Hey, hey.
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- You all right? - Where am I? Am I in... two-thirds of a hospital room?
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Yeah, listen, um...
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It's me.
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I'm the guy that she likes. "Hermano" is brother.
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Me.
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- Well, if I'd known it was you, I wouldn't have minded. - You wouldn't?
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Michael, you're a great guy.
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If you liked her, I would have said, "Go for it."
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I do kind of like her.
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Go for it.
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Hi.
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My brother said we can do it.
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That didn't come out as romantic as I'd hoped, but...
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Everything is finally perfect.
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Oh, wait. You jinxed it. Don't worry. I'll turn it off.
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Mm. It's just my mother. She's probably worried about my Dad's... hearing.
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Oh. With my Dad, it is the vision.
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Meanwhile, Tobias told Lindsay that he couldn't do the part.
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- It plays naked, okay? - Tobias, we're gonna have to deal with this sometime.
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I understand you not wanting to do it on film...
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- but you can't even get undressed in front of me. - It is not you, Lindsay.
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I can't get undressed alone. I can't get undressed by myself.
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I mean, this is a real affliction. I'm sorry it's not recognized here in the states.
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But I know for a fact that there are two members of German Parliament.
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They're called "nein wohlstandig" nude.
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But they're German, so... They speak German, so they have a different...
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Yeah, well, it's not normal, and ignoring it isn't gonna make it go away.
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You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
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Please, please don't make fun.
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I'm not making fun.
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Look, how 'bout we do this together?
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You take off your shirt, and I'll take off my jacket.
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You know, this family can be pretty screwed up sometimes. But the good news is...
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Actually, I used to think that, too, but it's better than the alternative.
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Well, have you explored all the alternatives? 'Cause I guess what I'm getting at is...
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No, but I'm glad I have this family, you know?
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'Cause I know I said some bad stuff, but it's much better here than it was in Boston.
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And I have a cousin here. So even if my parents do get divorced, I have you, right?
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George Michael realized that no matter how much it upset him...
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he didn't want to take Maeby's family away from her.
15:01 - 15:04
- Yeah, you got us all right. - Now all I need is a boyfriend.
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Lucille was left alone with her oldest son at the courthouse.
15:14 - 15:18
just you and me, huh?
15:18 - 15:20
God, why am I the only one who ever comes through in this family?
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And George Sr. was led into the courtroom.
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- Where the hell is everybody? - I'm here, Dad.
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I can't believe no one showed up. I don't know. Maybe it's for the best.
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Maybe I should just stay in prison so my family can be free.
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- Look, you're my husband, and you belong back at home with me. - Wow.
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- You really love me. - Call it what you want.
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I'm tired of paying Lupe to clean one dish.
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I'm sorry, sorry. I'm so late. I had another hearing.
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I think I'm gonna get off, huh? I have a good lawyer.
15:51 - 15:57
You look great in red. Okay.
15:57 - 16:00
"Anyhoo," what are we doing here? What's the plan?
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The plan? You're our lawyer.
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It's a figure of speech. You're gonna be fine.
16:09 - 16:12
Oh, for God's sake. He's on his own for two days, and he joins a gang.
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These guys? Oh, I've got them for the afternoon.
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Besides, they're the only thing I have left to live for in this world.
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Oh, stop being so dramatic. You know where I live.
16:25 - 16:29
I wasn't talking about you, Mom. I was talking about Marta.
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Excuse me.
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You were serious? 'Cause I got news for you, pal. Marta's been interested in Michael.
16:35 - 16:40
That's right... dull, nothing-going-on-upstairs...
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- Michael. - Yeah, I know.
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- I saw them making out at her front door. - What? When?
16:49 - 16:52
just now. Huh!
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The stuff I've got to work out with Marta just keeps piling up.
16:54 - 16:57
- Unbelievable. - All rise.
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This court is now in session, the Honorable Lionel Ping presiding.
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- Oh! We've got Ping. - I want to remind you...
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that there are no cameras allowed in my courtroom.
17:07 - 17:11
Conspiracy, racketeering, evidence tampering...
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fraud, theft, grand theft, petty theft...
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- Wow. l-I did not get that page. - resisting arrest...
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- Michael. - resisting arrest at the scene.
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- How dare you! - Now, come on. You said it was okay. And nothing happened!
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- Oh, did I? - Take it easy.
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- Order! - Is that my belt?
17:31 - 17:33
- Well, so what? Get your hands off me! - What is your problem?
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What are you doing? What's the matter with you? Get off him! George!
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George Sr., having never heard his charges...
17:45 - 17:48
listed consecutively in one sitting, panicked and ran with great intensity.
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Michael and Gob continued their fight onto the courthouse steps.
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Stop it before someone gets hit in the face!
17:56 - 17:58
Buster realized this was his opportunity to fulfill a longtime fantasy.
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Oh, for God's sake! Barry!
18:03 - 18:06
Barry, too, felt overwhelmed by the charges leveled against his client...
18:06 - 18:10
- and also took flight. - What are you doing? They'll add ten years to your sentence.
18:10 - 18:12
- and also took flight. - What are you doing? They'll add ten years to your sentence.
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They'll never catch me!
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Oh, good. We better get you back in your cell.
18:17 - 18:21
It's gettin' kind of crazy out there.
18:21 - 18:25
Back at the model home, things were heating up for Lindsay and Tobias as well.
18:25 - 18:29
- I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. - For me, Tobias.
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That too.
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- You did it. - Now what?
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- Now this. - And for the first time in years...
18:48 - 18:51
Lindsay and Tobias became intimate.
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The brothers'fight, meanwhile, continued into the park...
18:54 - 18:57
with Buster still hoping to take a punch.
18:57 - 19:00
- I'll kill you! - Oh, God!
19:00 - 19:02
- Go, go, go, go! - Lucille had decided that perhaps...
19:02 - 19:05
she was better off without any of them.
19:05 - 19:07
- Me! Me, me, me! - Buster, get out of the way!
19:08 - 19:10
Hit me in the face! Hit me in the face! Hit me in the face!
19:10 - 19:13
- Please! Hit me in the face! - No! Buster!
19:13 - 19:15
- Aah! Buster! - While Marta...
19:15 - 19:18
who'd been told the hearing would last 10 minutes, got tired of waiting.
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Hey! Hey!
19:22 - 19:24
- Marta. - Marta.
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What is wrong with you? I thought you were good people. I thought you were noble.
19:27 - 19:31
I thought you cared about family, but you clearly don't.
19:32 - 19:34
l-It's over. Both of you. It's over.
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Wait, wait. What about, what about me?
19:41 - 19:43
I'm sorry. I'm not totally sure who you are.
19:43 - 19:45
Wow! Wow.
19:46 - 19:49
That's what it feels like to get punched in the face.
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- Can you believe that? - Yeah, lecturing us about family.
19:51 - 19:57
I mean, who needs that?
19:57 - 20:00
And what are we doing? Hey, we're brothers.
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- That's gotta count for something. - That counts for everything.
20:02 - 20:07
- I'm not gonna throw it away over some woman. - Heh! Especially not my woman.
20:07 - 20:11
- Hmm? - But you're right, you're right. I mean, this is what's real.
20:11 - 20:16
- This is what lasts. Everything else is just petty. - Yeah, totally beneath us.
20:16 - 20:21
- Yeah. - And by the way, I don't know how you call her your woman...
20:21 - 20:24
when she clearly prefers me, and she was all prepared to be my girlfriend...
20:24 - 20:28
- calling me her boyfriend... - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey!
20:29 - 20:31
- Hang on one second. - This is all moot, because she never got a chance to know me.
20:32 - 20:34
Now, will someone please have the decency to punch me in the face?
20:34 - 20:40
Aah!
20:46 - 20:48
- Well, it's effective. - Yeah, it really is.
20:49 - 20:52
Tobias quietly overcompensates.
20:55 - 20:57
Please tell me there's some coffee left.
20:57 - 21:01
Give me some.
21:01 - 21:04
I slept very well last night.
21:04 - 21:07