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Episode 1x13 - "Beef Consommé"

Director: Jay Chandrasekhar

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Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything...

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and the one son who had no choice...

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but to keep them all together.

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Michael Bluth was infatuated with his brother's girlfriend, Marta...

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a Spanish-language soap opera star.

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But when he found out she was interested in a man named Hermano, he confronted her.

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Unfortunately, he discovered too late...

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that "hermano" in Spanish meant "brother,"

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and the person Marta was infatuated with was, in fact, himself.

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This was distracting Michael the next day when he went to meet his father's attorney at prison.

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Look, there is nothing to it. It's an arraignment.

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They announce the charges. However, it would help if you all showed up...

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Iooking like a loving, supportive family.

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- For how long? - Ten minutes, tops.

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See if you can get it down to five.

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You know, maybe I should confess these crimes, save everybody the trouble.

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Oh, get off the mount. You're coming home, guilty or somehow found not guilty.

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Hello?

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What the hell is going on? I'm waiting to hear about Marta and this Hermano guy.

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Yeah, I checked it out. I do not think that she's cheating.

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- I'm going over to Marta's. - No, no, no. Don't do that, okay?

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just lay low, be cool and I'll talk to her again.

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- That way you won't look so desperate, you know? - You're a good guy, mon frère.

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That means "brother" in French.

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I don't know why I know that. I took four years of Spanish.

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So Michael went to speak with Marta...

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about the misunderstanding from the night before.

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- I owe you an apology. - No, I owe you an apology.

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I'm so ashamed that I was so disrespectful to your brother.

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Oh, who cares? Nobody respects him.

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You see, Marta, I have been interested in you since the first day that we met.

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- Really? - Yeah. Yeah.

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It doesn't matter.

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We live by a code, you and l... to honor family.

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Yes. That's one of the things that attracted me to you... your sense of right and wrong.

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I also like your hair and your face and your breasts.

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- You're so unlike your brother. - Oh, thank you.

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- Gob is like the cock of the walk. But not you. - You are so kind.

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- You're sensitive, like a woman. - That's enough.

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We do have to do the right thing.

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- And being together is the wrong thing. - Very, very...

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wrong.

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- Is that Gob? - He likes to make love to this.

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- I'm gonna turn this off. - Please.

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Oh!

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- Gob's wand. - Oh, this... this is so wrong.

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- Yes. - No, no, no. Not-Not-Not... Not... Not hot wrong.

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- You know, regular wrong. I gotta tell Gob. - No, I have to tell him.

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Yes, but you speak a little slowly, and I really want to get this thing moving along.

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So, listen, you do the noble thing, and you tell him that you've met somebody else.

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I'm gonna do the noble thing and tell him that it's me.

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While I'm doing my noble thing you could put those photos in a box, get rid of the wand...

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and we can do the wrong thing the right way.

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And Maeby was getting tired ofher parents'constant fighting.

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I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.

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Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that!

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That's my point, you handsome cowboy, you.

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Oh, great. And now you're mocking me, you selfish, country-music-loving lady.

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Hello, Maeby.

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Nice cover. Why don't you two just get a divorce and save us all a lot of grief?

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The night before, Tobias and Lindsay had chosen to sleep in separate rooms...

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and Tobias had dropped an intriguing bit of information.

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And then, of course, we couldn't conceive, so there was that famous ordeal.

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What do you mean, you couldn't conceive? Was Maeby adopted?

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Is she not really related to me? Is she just some girl I know?

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George Michael never got an answer. - It's Carl Weathers.

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So he set about doing some investigating on his own.

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- Hey, have you ever seen any pictures of your mom pregnant? - Don't talk to me about my mom.

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She's crazy. Both of them are.

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- Sometimes I wish we weren't even related. - Hey, you know, maybe we're not.

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Because, I mean, when you think about it, we don't even really look like each other.

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No, I was talking about my parents.

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God, what's wrong with this family?

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Maybe we're not a family.

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And maybe that's very, very right. We...

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Uncle Gob. Hey, uh, was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?

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Oh, yeah. Dozens of times. Hey, is your dad around, or...

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- Hey, Gob. Marta call? - She sure has...

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four times, but I didn't take the calls.

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Oh, no? Why not?

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- Because of you. You said to lay low. And it's working. - Great.

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Tell you what, you may not be good with women, but you are great with other people's women.

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I'll give you that. - No! Listen, Gob, you can't just ignore her.

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Maybe you should talk to her. She is your girlfriend.

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Exactly. And I want to keep it that way.

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For all I know, she's calling to break up with me. I don't answer the phone, that doesn't happen.

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And it's all because of you, fratello. That's Italian for brother.

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Now all I gotta do is find this Hermano guy.

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- I'm gonna kill him. - Hey, Brother.

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- Hey, Busty. - Hey, Brother.

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- Hey, Buster. - Gob, there's no need for violence.

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There never is. I'd like to think that we're all intelligent, mature...

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adults that can settle their differences...

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whenever they might come to light, through words.

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Yeah, well, I let my fists do the talking.

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Not this one, 'cause obviously, I need it for coin tricks and stuff.

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- But this one, I let it speak for both of them. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

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Mom always taught us to curl up in a ball and remain motionless when confronted.

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That's what I did in high school when I almost got into a fight.

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- I think that was about being attacked by bears. - Yeah, I know.

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Hey, rich kid. Gimme your lunch money.

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But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to get into a fight today.

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- You'd be a much bigger ball. - There is so much in life that I have not experienced.

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And now that I'm away from Mom, I feel like this is my chance to live.

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I want to dance. I want to make love to a woman. I want to get a checking account.

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I want to know what it feels like to get my face socked in.

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Michael, don't get that! That could be Marta!

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What? Oop! Too late. Hello?

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- Michael? - Oh, hi, Mom.

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- I'm not here. - Is that Buster? Tell him I'm fine without him.

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Why haven't you called me back? I'm worried about your father's hearing.

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Mom, listen, it's gonna be fine. I'm on it, okay? I'm taking care of it.

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- I'll be there first thing Friday morning. - It's tomorrow at 4:30.

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- Oh. I should write that down. - Where is your head, Michael?

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Everything's gonna be fine. They just read the charges...

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and we look like a loving family for, like, six minutes.

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- Ten minutes. - We couldn't get that down, huh?

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George Michael, meanwhile, went to speak with Tobias.

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- This was just faxed to you. - Oh, great! The rewrite.

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Let's see if they've beefed up my part.

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I got three lines!

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So, uh, I've been thinking about that, uh... that conversation we were having the other night...

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about, uh, where Maeby came from, and, uh...

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I was just wondering if you could finish that thought.

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Yes, okay. Uh, well, have a seat.

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Uh...

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Um...

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When a man...

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needs to prove to a woman that he's actually...

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When a man loves a woman...

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and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her...

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something very, very special happens.

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And, uh, with deep, deep concentration...

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- and-and great focus, he's often able to achieve an erec... - I'm sorry.

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I'm gonna stop you. I know where you're running.

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l-I didn't mean babies in general.

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Oh, well, that's good, 'cause it was about to get a little, ick, gross.

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- Yeah. No, I meant specifically with Maeby. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

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- This isn't right. - I know. You're right.

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- I'm sorry. - No, no. It says it's a shower scene.

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I'm not supposed to be in a shower scene. It has nudity.

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Tobias was a never-nude, which is exactly what it sounds like.

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I don't do nudity. It says that right on my résumé. Okay?

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What... What do you think I wear these for?

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I was never actually clear on that.

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So, you're, uh... you're not with Marta anymore?

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Well, my plan is to get her wanting me but bad, and then I spring it on her.

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I know you've been cheating on me, and you just cost yourself one fine man...

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- and one fine CD of him singing "Love is in the Air." - Well, I would never, uh...

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do this while you were still going out, but, uh...

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if you're done with her, I'd sure like a crack at her.

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Right, right. That sounds great. Go for it, buddy.

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But you know that she's kind of used to being with me, right?

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So, it'd be sort of like going from prime rib to...

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I don't know... weird brother of prime rib.

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- Do you even know her? - I met her. I fell for her.

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I've been watching her program, El Amor Prohibido... The Love That Is Forbidden.

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She is the love that's forbidden.

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The love of my hermano.

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Wait a second. What? You know Hermano?

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"Hermano" is brother in Spanish. As in, "Hey, hermano."

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- Huh. - Brother?

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- Hermano means brother? - Yeah.

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Well, sounds like hermano is about to get his ass kicked.

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Well, this is what I said I wanted.

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So, all right. Let's get it over with. Huh!

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Uh, so, are you gonna hit me?

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No, I'm not gonna hit you. You're not the brother Marta's cheating on me with.

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- Oh. Oh, who is? - How the hell should I know, Buster?

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You know, there is a guy who plays her older brother on her show.

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I think his name is Tio.

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Tio.

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Well, sounds like someone who you think's name is Tio...

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is about to get his ass kicked.

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Thanks for the tip, Buster.

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All right, Mom. I'll be sure to tell Buster. Right. Bye. Mom wanted me to tell you...

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that she doesn't care whether you live or die, but if you're not dead...

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she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in the blue sweater.

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- Damn! I hate the blue sweater. - She said it would look nice with the gray pants.

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- Damn it! She's right! - Where's Gob?

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- I think he's heading down to the set of Marta's soap opera. - What?

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She may be cheating on him with the guy who plays her brother.

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I mean, I still like her, but we're gonna have to deal with this.

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- I gotta go stop him. - And I've got a blue sweater to steam.

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- Good luck. - Thanks.

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Gob raced to confront Tio, with Michael in hot pursuit.

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George Michael, having failed to get the information he needed from anyone else...

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made the ultimate sacrifice and went to the keeper of the family secrets.

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- So, uh, it's about Maeby. - Oh! That's a lost cause.

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- But you get what you pay for, huh? - Yeah.

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- Wait. What-What do you mean, "pay"? - Fertility tests, lab fees...

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donors and implants.

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She's not real. She was made in a cup.

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Like soup... a hundred and thirty thousand dollar cup of soup.

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How do you like them egg rolls, Mr. Goldstone?

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All I know is it took an extra year before we could add a den.

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So are you saying we're not directly related?

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I'm saying she already spent her inheritance getting here.

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Gob, meanwhile, had finally shown up at the El Amor Prohibido set.

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Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio.

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-? Cómo? - Oh, you're gonna be in a coma, all right.

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Unfortunately, the actor who played Tio...

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had also starred in a Mexican film about the life of Oscar De La Hoya.

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Gob. Hey, hey.

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- You all right? - Where am I? Am I in... two-thirds of a hospital room?

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Yeah, listen, um...

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It's me.

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I'm the guy that she likes. "Hermano" is brother.

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Me.

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- Well, if I'd known it was you, I wouldn't have minded. - You wouldn't?

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Michael, you're a great guy.

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If you liked her, I would have said, "Go for it."

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I do kind of like her.

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Go for it.

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Hi.

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My brother said we can do it.

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That didn't come out as romantic as I'd hoped, but...

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Everything is finally perfect.

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Oh, wait. You jinxed it. Don't worry. I'll turn it off.

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Mm. It's just my mother. She's probably worried about my Dad's... hearing.

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Oh. With my Dad, it is the vision.

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Meanwhile, Tobias told Lindsay that he couldn't do the part.

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- It plays naked, okay? - Tobias, we're gonna have to deal with this sometime.

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I understand you not wanting to do it on film...

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- but you can't even get undressed in front of me. - It is not you, Lindsay.

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I can't get undressed alone. I can't get undressed by myself.

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I mean, this is a real affliction. I'm sorry it's not recognized here in the states.

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But I know for a fact that there are two members of German Parliament.

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They're called "nein wohlstandig" nude.

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But they're German, so... They speak German, so they have a different...

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Yeah, well, it's not normal, and ignoring it isn't gonna make it go away.

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You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

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Please, please don't make fun.

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I'm not making fun.

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Look, how 'bout we do this together?

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You take off your shirt, and I'll take off my jacket.

14:30 - 14:33

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You know, this family can be pretty screwed up sometimes. But the good news is...

14:35 - 14:39

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Actually, I used to think that, too, but it's better than the alternative.

14:39 - 14:44

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Well, have you explored all the alternatives? 'Cause I guess what I'm getting at is...

14:44 - 14:47

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No, but I'm glad I have this family, you know?

14:47 - 14:49

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'Cause I know I said some bad stuff, but it's much better here than it was in Boston.

14:49 - 14:53

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And I have a cousin here. So even if my parents do get divorced, I have you, right?

14:53 - 14:58

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George Michael realized that no matter how much it upset him...

14:58 - 15:01

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he didn't want to take Maeby's family away from her.

15:01 - 15:04

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- Yeah, you got us all right. - Now all I need is a boyfriend.

15:04 - 15:08

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Lucille was left alone with her oldest son at the courthouse.

15:14 - 15:18

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just you and me, huh?

15:18 - 15:20

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God, why am I the only one who ever comes through in this family?

15:20 - 15:25

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And George Sr. was led into the courtroom.

15:25 - 15:27

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- Where the hell is everybody? - I'm here, Dad.

15:27 - 15:30

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I can't believe no one showed up. I don't know. Maybe it's for the best.

15:30 - 15:34

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Maybe I should just stay in prison so my family can be free.

15:34 - 15:38

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- Look, you're my husband, and you belong back at home with me. - Wow.

15:38 - 15:41

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- You really love me. - Call it what you want.

15:41 - 15:44

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I'm tired of paying Lupe to clean one dish.

15:44 - 15:47

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I'm sorry, sorry. I'm so late. I had another hearing.

15:47 - 15:51

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I think I'm gonna get off, huh? I have a good lawyer.

15:51 - 15:57

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You look great in red. Okay.

15:57 - 16:00

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"Anyhoo," what are we doing here? What's the plan?

16:02 - 16:06

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The plan? You're our lawyer.

16:07 - 16:09

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It's a figure of speech. You're gonna be fine.

16:09 - 16:12

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Oh, for God's sake. He's on his own for two days, and he joins a gang.

16:14 - 16:19

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These guys? Oh, I've got them for the afternoon.

16:19 - 16:21

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Besides, they're the only thing I have left to live for in this world.

16:21 - 16:24

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Oh, stop being so dramatic. You know where I live.

16:25 - 16:29

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I wasn't talking about you, Mom. I was talking about Marta.

16:29 - 16:32

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Excuse me.

16:33 - 16:35

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You were serious? 'Cause I got news for you, pal. Marta's been interested in Michael.

16:35 - 16:40

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That's right... dull, nothing-going-on-upstairs...

16:40 - 16:44

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- Michael. - Yeah, I know.

16:46 - 16:49

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- I saw them making out at her front door. - What? When?

16:49 - 16:52

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just now. Huh!

16:52 - 16:54

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The stuff I've got to work out with Marta just keeps piling up.

16:54 - 16:57

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- Unbelievable. - All rise.

16:57 - 17:00

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This court is now in session, the Honorable Lionel Ping presiding.

17:00 - 17:04

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- Oh! We've got Ping. - I want to remind you...

17:04 - 17:07

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that there are no cameras allowed in my courtroom.

17:07 - 17:11

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Conspiracy, racketeering, evidence tampering...

17:11 - 17:14

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fraud, theft, grand theft, petty theft...

17:14 - 17:18

S1E13: 1040166

- Wow. l-I did not get that page. - resisting arrest...

17:18 - 17:21

S1E13: 1043041

- Michael. - resisting arrest at the scene.

17:22 - 17:23

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- How dare you! - Now, come on. You said it was okay. And nothing happened!

17:24 - 17:28

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- Oh, did I? - Take it easy.

17:28 - 17:31

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- Order! - Is that my belt?

17:31 - 17:33

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- Well, so what? Get your hands off me! - What is your problem?

17:33 - 17:38

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What are you doing? What's the matter with you? Get off him! George!

17:40 - 17:45

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George Sr., having never heard his charges...

17:45 - 17:48

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listed consecutively in one sitting, panicked and ran with great intensity.

17:48 - 17:51

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Michael and Gob continued their fight onto the courthouse steps.

17:51 - 17:55

S1E13: 1077041

Stop it before someone gets hit in the face!

17:56 - 17:58

S1E13: 1080583

Buster realized this was his opportunity to fulfill a longtime fantasy.

17:58 - 18:03

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Oh, for God's sake! Barry!

18:03 - 18:06

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Barry, too, felt overwhelmed by the charges leveled against his client...

18:06 - 18:10

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- and also took flight. - What are you doing? They'll add ten years to your sentence.

18:10 - 18:12

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- and also took flight. - What are you doing? They'll add ten years to your sentence.

18:12 - 18:14

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They'll never catch me!

18:15 - 18:17

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Oh, good. We better get you back in your cell.

18:17 - 18:21

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It's gettin' kind of crazy out there.

18:21 - 18:25

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Back at the model home, things were heating up for Lindsay and Tobias as well.

18:25 - 18:29

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- I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. - For me, Tobias.

18:30 - 18:34

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That too.

18:37 - 18:39

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- You did it. - Now what?

18:43 - 18:48

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- Now this. - And for the first time in years...

18:48 - 18:51

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Lindsay and Tobias became intimate.

18:51 - 18:54

S1E13: 1135875

The brothers'fight, meanwhile, continued into the park...

18:54 - 18:57

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with Buster still hoping to take a punch.

18:57 - 19:00

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- I'll kill you! - Oh, God!

19:00 - 19:02

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- Go, go, go, go! - Lucille had decided that perhaps...

19:02 - 19:05

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she was better off without any of them.

19:05 - 19:07

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- Me! Me, me, me! - Buster, get out of the way!

19:08 - 19:10

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Hit me in the face! Hit me in the face! Hit me in the face!

19:10 - 19:13

S1E13: 1154750

- Please! Hit me in the face! - No! Buster!

19:13 - 19:15

S1E13: 1157125

- Aah! Buster! - While Marta...

19:15 - 19:18

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who'd been told the hearing would last 10 minutes, got tired of waiting.

19:18 - 19:22

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Hey! Hey!

19:22 - 19:24

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- Marta. - Marta.

19:24 - 19:27

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What is wrong with you? I thought you were good people. I thought you were noble.

19:27 - 19:31

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I thought you cared about family, but you clearly don't.

19:32 - 19:34

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l-It's over. Both of you. It's over.

19:37 - 19:41

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Wait, wait. What about, what about me?

19:41 - 19:43

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I'm sorry. I'm not totally sure who you are.

19:43 - 19:45

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Wow! Wow.

19:46 - 19:49

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That's what it feels like to get punched in the face.

19:49 - 19:51

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- Can you believe that? - Yeah, lecturing us about family.

19:51 - 19:57

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I mean, who needs that?

19:57 - 20:00

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And what are we doing? Hey, we're brothers.

20:00 - 20:02

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- That's gotta count for something. - That counts for everything.

20:02 - 20:07

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- I'm not gonna throw it away over some woman. - Heh! Especially not my woman.

20:07 - 20:11

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- Hmm? - But you're right, you're right. I mean, this is what's real.

20:11 - 20:16

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- This is what lasts. Everything else is just petty. - Yeah, totally beneath us.

20:16 - 20:21

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- Yeah. - And by the way, I don't know how you call her your woman...

20:21 - 20:24

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when she clearly prefers me, and she was all prepared to be my girlfriend...

20:24 - 20:28

S1E13: 1230458

- calling me her boyfriend... - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey!

20:29 - 20:31

S1E13: 1233458

- Hang on one second. - This is all moot, because she never got a chance to know me.

20:32 - 20:34

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Now, will someone please have the decency to punch me in the face?

20:34 - 20:40

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Aah!

20:46 - 20:48

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- Well, it's effective. - Yeah, it really is.

20:49 - 20:52

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Tobias quietly overcompensates.

20:55 - 20:57

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Please tell me there's some coffee left.

20:57 - 21:01

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Give me some.

21:01 - 21:04

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I slept very well last night.

21:04 - 21:07